Paul, please don't hold this review against me – you're gorgeous, honestly, and while you were working I was your biggest fan. Love you – mean it!

Alas, you didn't work to your capacity, Paul. For your price tag (which was HEFTY when I sprung for you two years ago, in BLACK which is no longer offered), I had high expectations that were, perhaps, unreasonable. You dutifully fulfilled them for a year, but then you decided to quit on me after that year and accepted a minor role as a fun dildo that no longer vibrated. I feel certain I need not explain further.

Except to say: While Patchy Paul worked as a vibrator, he was the tops! Bumpy and girthy with an excellent G-curve, Paul was a loyal and reliable orgasm-maker to whom I looked forward to meeting after work on most days. Sadly, he quit vibrating quite unexpectedly despite the lack of visible damage to his inner workings or battery compartment. I am sorry to report that Fun Factory has failed me in this aspect more than once. I'm even more sorry as I was so attached to Paul, even after he stopped vibrating, that I didn't return him for a replacement; I simply relegated him to 'dildo' status and accepted it as a 'thing that happens'. And a good dildo he makes, but I'd be lying if I said it was entirely fine with me that he no longer vibrates – he was pricey! He was a great vibrator! I'm mad at Fun Factory!!!

But I still love you, Patchy Paul, even without your mechanics. I hope we can one day reunite when your inevitable reincarnation occurs; for now, I'll keep you for posterity and G-stim, but I hope we can achieve greatness one day. Don't forget me.