I'm spoiled rotten when it comes to vibrators. I want everything: a low noise factor, decent materials, cost effectiveness, multiple speeds, and--oh yes--multiple functions. When I stumbled across this $10 bullet vibe, I was gobsmacked. Waterproof, multiple functions and speeds, easy-to-clean material, and it's only TEN BUCKS?! Man, I'm all over it!

I guess I set myself up for failure.

The My First Bowling bullet|My first bowling arrived in stereotypical cheap toy packaging with a backsplash of a naked woman and no instructions whatsoever. However, they did list the 10 functions on the back of the actual vibe remote, so I won't complain too much. The toy is metallic pink plastic with an awfully short but sturdy cord that you have to plug in to the remote before use. I'd estimate that the cord is about 1 1/2 feet long. The toy doesn't smell and is easy to disinfect.

This toy requires 3 AAA batteries. The bowling pin attachment conducts vibrations surprisingly well, but it's shaped awkwardly and the cord is attached to the thick end of the bullet, so don't expect much if you want insertion. The vibrations are controlled by a little push button on the remote. You can cycle through the various vibrations almost seamlessly (there's only a brief pause between function changes) without the vibrator turning back off.

Unfortunately, while the variety of functions adds flavor, the vibrations in and of themselves are not super-strong. I managed to get very aroused using this bullet, but it just wasn't enough to get me off. Also, some of the functions are kind of stupid; the pulsating function is great, but the racer function doesn't build up enough power before it drops back down to low speed.

I decided to use this vibrator in the communal showers, and as long as I kept it on a lower setting and had the water running at full blast, the bullet was virtually undetectable. The stronger settings are harder to mask, but I'll forgive that flaw because this toy is waterproof. There's a very tiny gap in the battery compartment if I don't close it JUST RIGHT, so I put some tape around the battery compartment's edges, just in case. Outside of the shower, this toy would have to be muffled by a blanket and a closed door.

Normally I would give this bullet a mere 2 stars. It just isn't powerful enough, and the various functions are really wasted on it. But can you get another waterproof vibe like this for less than $10? The cost-effectiveness alone earns this bullet 3 stars instead of 2, and I wholeheartedly recommend it to extra-sensitive sex toy users who are watching their wallet. More experienced users with deeper pockets should invest a better bullet, like the XTreme G-Spot.

This toy really got me aroused, and the rollercoaster and pulsating functions felt great on my nipples and the back of my arms. (I have strange erogenous zones, I know.) It wasn't strong enough to get me off, though. Applying pressure wasn't very comfortable thanks to the odd shape of the bullet.

Do NOT use this toy for anal play! The cord is not permanently attached to the remote, so it's easier to yank it out if you aren't careful.

Thanks to its tiny size, this vibrator is easy to store and can easily fit between two bodies during partner play. Making it stay between your bodies will be a bit tricky.

The 10 functions on the My First Bowling bullet are:
FOREPLAY (a light, steady vibration between 1 and 2 vrooms)
TEASE (a steady vibration around 2 vrooms)
AROUSE (a fast, steady vibration at a solid 3 vrooms)
ZOOM (a quickly pulsating vibration that blinks rapidly between 2 and 3 vrooms)
WAVE (like ZOOM, but the power jumps between 1 to 3 vrooms)
PULSATION (a slightly dulled vibration that rolls between 2 and 3 vrooms)
VIBRATION (pulses twice, then stops, in a cycle, building up power)
RANDOM (random speeds, powers, and vibration lengths)
RACER (pulses for 5 second at about 2 vrooms, then runs a steady vibration of 3 vrooms for another 5 seconds)
CLIMAX (a slight variation on RACER, with a longer pulsation period and a shorter steady vibration period)

The functions I enjoy the most are TEASE, AROUSE, PULSATION, and CLIMAX. I rarely ever use the FOREPLAY, RACER, or RANDOM functions.

This is an excellent example of "you get what you pay for." I used this vibe less than 10 times since I bought it, so I planned to bequeath it to a friend. When I went to show him how it worked... it wouldn't turn on. I checked the batteries, and I noticed that, every time I opened the battery compartment, a battery would pop out. Sometimes, if I was really lucky, the vibe would turn on for a split second, then it'd flip back on. Nothing I did made that battery stick in the compartment. I still rate it $10, since it works well for the price, but don't buy it if you want something that'll last you a while.