Ow ow ow. It’s a good thing I didn’t use this device on my hands or I wouldn’t be able to type this review.

The Venus Butterfly Pump|Venus butterfly pump is a bizarre little invention, designed for the masochist set. But to understand it, you need an overview of its basic architecture because let’s face it: it’s a little weird and confusing-looking. So here’s the premise: the stamen goes inside of you and the cup nestles into your lips. If you put your right leg up in the air like that and move your left leg over here and place the toy just SO, you’ll get something approximating a seal and you can squeeze the bulb and it’ll suck the living daylights out of you if you let it. For a second anyhow. Then, if you cease pumping, the not-quite-perfect seal will lose interest and stop sucking like a guy eating you while the football game is on. So you keep pumping, and the WHY DID THEY PUT STABBY BITS ON HERE? will just poke the sides of your vagina like you decided to sit pussy-side-down onto a bright pink cactus.

And this is where the suction—and suction should really be our friend, not our enemy—starts to really work against you, serving to enhance the sensation of stabbing.

Now I wanted to have a good time with this thing, I really did. It vibrates, after all, and I’m a fan of nearly anything that does that…I even like the seats in the back of the bus near that gi-gant-umous rumbly engine, doing its gi-gant-umous rumbly thing to my girl bits. But this was more like sitting on a handful of tacks, and not even at the back of the bus because the vibrations weren’t that great.

It’s fundamentally a sexy idea--the suction, the vibration, the penetration—it just has too many design flaws (OW, STOP STABBING ME IN THE PUSS, STUPID TOY) to be effective. First of all, the penetration: well, it’s about like taking a thumb up to its knuckle. And if thumb-deep even made me bite the pillow, I’d be scared to have an intense orgasm while I was using this thing because that would cause me to squeeze my vaginal muscles, and then they’d probably have poke-holes in them. (Maybe that’s why it hurts when I pee.) And as I said, the vibrations are weak. The suction is pretty much awesome but it takes a lot of work to get a good seal and then you can’t move around much or you’ll ruin it. (I don’t know about you, but please don’t ask me to sit still while I orgasm; it can’t be done.) But since you can’t get at your clit with this thing in the way, it’s fairly unlikely you’ll ever get to orgasm with this unless getting stabbed in the puss makes you hot.

And in case you’re wondering, the nubs neither cut off nor shave off effectively. Plus then you have a mess of pink doowhichits in your sink and a ruined razor blade.

[So, in case California Exotic is reading this, here’s what you do: bigger peepee on here, thanks; add a clit stimulator, and up its power. I myself would like something that plugs into a Sears DieHard but since I notice not a lot of your toys take those, then at least give it some amperage… make it drain the batteries and make me yell. And if you do those things, BABY, I might have to give up men for that toy. ‘Cause one of the most amazing things about this toy is its potential (with its vibrating penetration and strong suction duo) to emulate rough sex, and that niche remains relatively untapped.]