Oh, little Femblossom|Femblossom Massager, how I wanted to love you.

Reading your product description, seeing your price tag and later, the outstandingly beautiful packaging in which you arrived, I had the highest of hopes for our time together. It looked like someone had started a sex toy company with an innovative, scientifically-informed approach and genuinely astounding design skills. I mean, the Masters and Johnson sexual response cycle was even explained in the accompanying booklet!

But in reality, the Femblossom is a perfect example of money going into packaging and marketing and none into finding out if the freaking toy really does any good. Instead of the Emotional Bliss, promised by the company name, I found an infuriating experience.

For a toy to be as loud and expensive as this one is, I expect it to have the power of a goddamn motorcycle, not the wimpy half assed vibration I can expect from a $10 novelty bullet.

And believe me, I gave this baby multiple tries in various positions, under different circumstances, with a variety of angles, speeds, and even the assistance of my favorite pornography. What I learned was that in order for this thing to even approach getting me off, I need to be on my back with both visual arousal material (think magazines or video) and to press the Femblossom down on my vulva with enough force that, afterwards, my forearms feel like I just went rock climbing for an hour. It also helped to press downwards at a slight angle (into one lip more than the other) while sort of squeezing the two lips together. But then, that works without a toy.

It's not really penetrative, and it doesn't really have the best design for clitoral stimulation either. It's just sort of there, sitting on your vulva, looking cute and roaring like a jet engine about to take off. Somehow, even after being charged fully, it managed to suck at being a decent massager for my neck and shoulders too. For these reasons, I'd dissuade anyone from spending this kind of cash on a sex toy unless you really just want something adorable to sit on your dresser.

Depressing. It's expensive and well-packaged, which made me think much more would happen. But it sucks. Go for a smaller bullet for more of a buzz.