Strap-on vibrators seem to suffer from a few common ailments: short straps, fragile connections between the straps and the vibrator, and a myriad of “positioning issues.” California Exotics’ Fluttering Monarch addresses two of these, but falls victim (or should I say, its user falls victim) to the third.

I requested the Fluttering Monarch because I really, desperately wanted to try a strap-on vibrator. Fitting issues and all, the thought of being able to wander around with a vibrator to make my housework and other activities more fun was very intriguing. So, when it arrived I immediately rushed upstairs, ripped open the packaging, and paused on the verge of ripping open the smaller box holding the Monarch. The little strap-on vibrator was packaged in a bright pink box decorated with – what else? – a naked woman wearing the toy. It was something of a turn-off, as I like sex toys that come in discreet packaging.

Still, once the box was stowed and the Monarch washed, I eagerly unraveled the bright pink, very stretchy straps and fiddled with them until I figured out what went where. It wasn’t difficult, really: the longest straps wrap around the hips, while the shorter sets wrap around the upper thighs. I’m not a particularly small person (about a size 12-14), so I was surprised to see that the straps fit without ripping apart or damaging the TPR silicone loops used to keep them attached to the toy. In fact, no matter how I moved, stretched or bounced, the silicone loops stretched without breaking.

Fit established, I relaxed and turned the vibrator on – and it felt like being tickled, ever so slightly. I turned up the speed, and grumbled as the vibrator became louder, but did little more than start to feel warm against my skin. I positioned myself carefully in a chair, legs spread, and began to fiddle – did the body of the butterfly-shaped toy fit better this way? That way? After several tries I managed to position the monarch for adequate vibration – but I had to hold it pressed tightly to my body to achieve anything more than a little tickle. Eventually, with a great deal of wriggling and rubbing, I was able to orgasm – but it wasn’t even close to the hands-free pleasure I’d hoped for.

Hence, we have the pit into which the Monarch falls: the straps, at least for my body shape, do not position the vibrator against the body closely enough. In addition, the box claims that it provides anal stimulation – I would like to know where the designer of this toy thinks the anus is in relation to the clitoris, as the back end of the vibrator (complete with a pseudo “stinger”) was far from mine!

In sum, the Fluttering Monarch has good points and bad. It has stretchy straps, it's phthalates-free, and the connections between the fabric straps and TPR silicone body aren’t so fragile as to break with a little pulling. On the other hand, it’s porous and cannot be sterilized – nor should you use silicone-based lube with it. Most importantly, the fact that the vibrator needs a lot of help defeats the fact that it’s a strap on!