A virtual cookie to anyone who gets the title reference.

Maximus is a relatively thick water-based lubricant made for both vaginal and anal use, with a partner or with toys. It's safe to use with every kind of toy, including those made of silicone. The manufacturer claims Maximus is biostatic, and will not spread bacteria and germs. Maximus is safe to use with condoms.

Maximus is L-arginine and glycerin free, and has no added fragrance. Its ingredients are: Highly Purified Water, Propylene Glycol Cellulose Polymer, Di Sodium EDTA, Phenoxyethanol, Methyl Paraben, Butyl Paraben, Ethyl Paraben, Propyl Paraben. If you have problems with parabens or any of the other ingredients, this is not the lube for you. I'm allergic to all kinds of weird stuff (like aloe), and Maximus works well with my system, but that doesn't mean it will work with everyone's.

Maximus is silky, neither too runny nor too thick. It comes pretty close to both female and uncircumcised male natural lubrication. It stays where you put it. This lube isn't sticky at all, and it keeps the genitals just slippery enough.

Maximus has a light, clean, mild scent. I have a strong sense of smell and allergic reactions to a wide range of scents, and I find its scent both faint and pleasant, if a bit reminiscent of tile cleaner. My boyfriend doesn't notice any smell. I tasted Maximus just for this review, and it tastes like tile cleaner too. The things I do for science. I tried to get my boyfriend to taste it, and he said science would somehow have to get along without him. While it's safe to ingest, it tastes terrible, and the taste lingered even after I ate M&Ms, so unless you really want to do some janitorial roleplaying, I recommend finding a different lube for oral sex.

My boyfriend and I find that about a lima bean's worth of Maximus lasts long enough for an entire round of vaginal intercourse, including position changes. I sometimes need a smidgen more with my toys. It doesn't stain, and doesn't need to be washed off after use; it will just absorb into the skin. Because we use so little, and it stays in place so well, none of it gets on our sheets, carpet or couch. I don't notice it's there after I'm done with it. The very mild wipes I use for after-sex clean-up remove all traces of Maximus.

Maximus performs just like a lube should. It reduces friction, feels natural, and makes everything more comfortable. It quietly smooths the way, and lets you forget it's there while it does its job. My boyfriend agrees with me about its performance, and adds, "it's got a funny name."

My 8.45 fluid ounce bottle of Maximus came in a clear pump bottle. The pump was taped down for safe transport. The front of the bottle proclaims "MAXIMUS" in one of those "Roman" fonts, and informs us that it contains a water-based sensual lubricant. The expiration date (5 years hence) is clearly marked, which is a definite plus. The pump makes the lube easy to dispense one-handed, in any amount you wish to use. The bottle doesn't leak.

The front of Maximus's bottle also has a drawing of half a Greek Ionic column on its front, though it appears upside-down for some reason. On the side of the bottle is a picture of an urn that also looks more Greek than Roman. On this urn, two people in funny hats are sticking long sticks into another urn. I wonder if there's a picture of two people in funny hats sticking long sticks into the urn on the picture on the urn, and so on, in an Escher-like infinity. Anyway, the back of the bottle lists the ingredients and the contact information for the company Bodywise Limited, which produces the lube.

Maximus's bottle makes no apologies for its contents. If you're shy about your sex life, you'll need to find somewhere to hide the bottle. Though being shy about MAXIMUS seems counter-intuitive somehow.

I needed a water-based glycerin-free lubricant with no aloe. I wanted something basic and not too expensive for vaginal intercourse and playing with toys. I've use KY Jelly and Liquid Silk in the past, and didn't have very good experiences with them. Out of the highly-rated lubes Eden Fantasys carries that fit my requirements, I chose Maximus partly based on price, and partly because the name makes me giggle. I'm glad I did: I think this will be my basic go-to lube for a long time to come.