Today we are going to try out the “Max Satisfaction” masturbation crème.

I think you mean cream.

No, you’re thinking of camera. The purpose of the crème is to provide a new, exhilarating experience during masturbation. It’s good for either masturbation or handjobs and advertises that it has pheromones to excite men, suggesting that it was targeted towards gay couples. I will now use it, while my assistant documents my findings. Wait, isn’t that a little odd?

Why?

We’re two random guys seeing how well some new crème helps me masturbate! That's kind of creepy.

You’re the metaphysical manifestation of the author’s emotional mind, whereas I’m the analytical aspect. We’re not actual people, get over yourself.

Fine. We begin by examining the ingredients.

Water (Eau), Glycine Soja (Soybean) Oil, Ethylhexyl Palmitate, Glycerin, Cetyl Palmitate, Dimethicone, Steareth-21, Cetyl Alcohol, Steareth-2, Aloe Barbadensis (Aloe Vera) Leaf Juice Powder, Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea) Butter, Tocopheryl Acetate (Vitamin E), Xanthan Gum, Phenoxethanol, Acrylates/C10-30 Alkyl Acrylate Crosspolymer, Triethanolamine, Disodium EDTA, Methylisothiazolinone, Copulandrone (Parfum), Copuline-alike (parfum) Reconstituted Androne (Parfum)

The only allergies might stem from the soy and the aloe. Also the Ethylhexyl Palmitate is a type of cleaning ingredient, so it might clean the penis somewhat. Although it'd probably be best to wash it afterwards just in case.

How about the color and texture?

I will discuss that... in the next section.

It is brownish-

More of a Savanna.

Whatever! It's a brownish goo that will, at some point, go on a penis.


How shall I describe the texture?

Well, it’s thick, too thick really and pretty sticky. There’s almost no give, stroking with it has more friction than stroking bare.

Anything positive to be said of its texture?

It pours easily.

What about afterwards, does the cream stay on your hand, or wear away naturally.

It sticks to the hand. This stuff is greasy and needs to be washed off once finished. Bleck!

The bottle states this is an unscented cream, does this bear out?

Actually, there’s a slight minty scent. It’s actually not dissimilar from Shunga Secret Garden. They have a similar minty scent and an identical lack or near lack of sensation.

What about taste.

You want to know, you taste this stuff.

Not good for oral then I take it?

Not unless you like tasting mystery creme.

Now I’m applying a liberal amount to my erection. Okay, the first dab wasn’t really enough, hold on, I need more. It’s taking more like three, or four globs to get going. Monkey fighter, that’s a lot. You’re watching right, I expect detailed notes?

Yes. You’re not going to break out in a rash or anything are you?

Don’t think I don’t hear your gleeful tone. Well, the main organic ingredient, other than water is soybeans and aloe, so I won’t, but those with a soy or aloe allergy might.

Any new, different sensations?

Well, I’m stroking and nothing… nothing…nothing. It’s a good thing monotonously testing things is my fetish, or this boner would be impossible to maintain. Okay, I’m finally starting to feel something; it’s… a very light tingle.

That’s it?

Well, let’s give it some more time. The tingle is giving way to a thick, friction and, oh, oh god it itches! Is this supposed to feel good? It’s so itchy! Fight through the itchy, the orgasm is the reward. Now the itchiness had faded, but given way to a greasy unpleasant feeling.

Like lube?

No, that would be pleasant. It almost feels like trying to masturbate with cooking oil, it’s thick, viscous and unpleasant. At least it solves the friction issue, I guess.

Any mood enhancers from the pheromones?"

Hulk want smash! Smash with penis! bwahahahahahahah, I'm just messin' with ya. The pheromones didn't do a thing.


...k. How well did this work overall?

I can’t really say without finishing, hold on… Captain Planet. Wow, that was disappointing. It brought no additional sensation after the initial tingle and subsequent itchiness. This is completely useless.

Well, not necessarily, you might be an outlier.

A what?

In statistics, a sample with a normal kurtosis-

Now you’re just showing off.

Fine. Most of the objects in a normal sample, which are called the N, in this case most people using the cream, fall along average. There may be some who get an extreme amount of pleasure from this cream for example and others who get little to none. They're the outliers, N that don't fall along the average and may fall within the top or bottom 5% of the sample. It might be that the cream works fine, but we’re an outlier.

So in order to test that…

We need to increase the N.

You could try it.

Again, we’re metaphysical representations of the same person’s mind. I have the same sensation as you; therefore I would feel the exact same sensations.

Don’t I get anything to myself?

Besides, we’d need about 500-1,000 people to have an accurate sample. It’s possible that the lack of sensation is because we’re an outlier, but there’s no way to know for certain, so you might as well proceed to the next section.

Well, I used it, it wasn’t very good, and we discussed the texture and use what else is there?

Try it in the shower?

...

Fine, just give me a minute, I’m not a machine.

...

Okay, I’m in the shower, naked.

With your swim trunks on.

If you don’t like it, you do it! Okay, the water’s on, at a warm temperature and I’m applying the crème. It’s started to wash off already, so I’m rubbing it in. The water seems to be making it worse, there’s no tingle and even the greasiness is fading fast.

That’s because it’s water-based. If it were silicone-based it might last longer.

…and it’s gone. I’m done, this stuff sucks for shower use, let’s move onto the next part.

Anything about the packaging?

Don’t care.

Well I think it looks nice. Bold, black, the right size and it really catches the eye. Easy to use to, with a simple, clear dispensing system.

That’s what she said.

Seriously though, it's easy to hide-

Yeah it is

Sigh. The packaging is discrete, except for "masturbation" brandished on the front, so keep it hidden. Since it's so small, it's fairly travel friendly, although it'd be best to keep it within a sock or something. The instructions are simple too.

Apply to penis and rub, hard to screw that up.