Hey, this is Vaccinium’s penis. Vaccinium fell asleep tonight with his netbook on his lap, so I decided to hammer out this review. You might wonder how a penis could type, but remember that I am the brains of this operation.

So, a little background. For the past 25 years, Vaccinium has been horrible to me! He beats me, shoves me in terrifying black holes, and makes me do pushups until I puke. At least it’s better than it used to be. Do you know he used to put tight, latex bags over my head when he was in college? Seriously! If he did any of that to his kids he’d be thrown in prison, but does anyone care what happens to me? Hell no! I’m just a penis, and no one cares about me.

Based on history, I accepted my fate as Saturday night rolled around. I won’t bore you with details, but I’ll tell you that he used a new lubricant. I have a love-hate relationship with lubricants. On the one hand (yes, I understand the irony of that metaphor), it helps eliminate friction, which I like, but on the other hand (yeah, yeah, keep laughing) I get chemical-laden goop dumped on me. So, when he brought out this bottle, I sighed and stiffened in anticipation. When it hit my skin, I knew something was different. Sure, it was goop, but it felt pretty good. It was perfectly clear and a nice consistency – not too runny nor too thick. I looked at the bottle and it was named Sliquid Sassy. Kind of an odd name for Vaccinium to choose, but I won’t judge. I squinted as he put the bottle on the nightstand and saw in tiny lettering “sliquid sassy booty gel” and read that it contained only natural, vegan ingredients: water, plant cellulose, cyamopsis, potassium sorbate, and citric acid. No tongue-twisting names, nothing that will harm my friend Lady Muffy Pussington, and no chemical tastes nor odors (yes, I can taste and smell).

This wasn’t so bad, I thought, as he moved me closer and closer to his target. Well, at least I think I was getting closer; I only have one eye, so my depth perception sucks. Anyway, I was still pondering the ingredients when it dawned on me what I had just read: booty gel. I realized, to my utter horror, that I wasn’t going to meet with Muffy tonight! Well, I’m not going to tell you that Sliquid Sassy made anal sex all rainbows and unicorns for me, but I slipped right in and at no point did I experience any friction nor require more lubricant, so it definitely worked as intended.

I thought this was going to be my only experience with Sliquid Sassy for a while, but a couple days later, he was back at it. Muffy was nowhere to be seen nor, fortunately, the black hole. I guess I did something wrong, because he started beating me senseless. Sliquid Sassy again felt great, but it’s obvious it wasn’t meant for masturbation (the term he uses for abusing me), because it got pretty dry and a bit tacky after a few minutes. I figured he would dump more of it on me, but he instead kept squirting me with water from a spray bottle to reactivate it. It worked, but he had to do so every other minute.

After I puked, I got to see the bottle again. It was 4.2 oz. in size with a flip-top. The lube is water-based, and thus nonreactive with all materials. The pink and flowery bottle (again, I’m not judging) with the words “natural lubricating gel” seemed pretty discrete – not like that big bottle of Anal Lube he has. I pray for the day he accidentally leaves that out when his mom is in town – I’ll laugh my balls off. Actually, that’s kind of mean to say because the twins are my buds, and they have it almost as bad as me considering how much they get slapped around.

After getting stuck in the black hole and then beaten to within an inch of my life, I knew what was next. Tonight rolled around and it was finally time visit to Muffy. We usually doesn’t need lube when we see Muffy, but tonight he lubed me up and Sliquid Sassy worked great. I honestly couldn’t tell that he used it considering how well it worked with Muffy’s fluids. Given how long he punishes me with pushups nowadays – it was better in the old days when sometimes I would have to do like maybe five pushups before throwing up – it was nice that my head never started burning from friction. Oh, he’s going to choke me when he reads that.

I guess that’s it. Overall, I liked Sliquid Sassy Booty Gel, even knowing it’s purpose. It didn’t work well for “masturbation”, but it did what it was designed for just great. Just a dime-sized (for visits with Muffy) to quarter-sized (for…I don’t even want to think about it much less say it) amounts provided all the lubrication I needed. A little seems to go a long way. Clean-up was easy too. In fact, I love clean-up time, because it is the only time he’s nice to me, as he delicately and lovingly cleans me with a warm, wet washcloth. It almost makes me forget what a prick he is to me. Some other lubes require the use of soap – which burns my eye something fierce – to remove the lube, but Sliquid Sassy Booty Gel doesn’t.

Vaccinium is going to be really pissed off when he sees what I have done, so if you read this, please stop him before he abuses me again. And for any of you out there who read this, be kind to all my penis brothers out there. Stop the abuse!