Good morning lover, it's chocolate body paint time! What exactly does that mean? I dunno, tic tac toe on a lover's asscrack? Initials on each other's foreheads? Naughty words and happy faces all down your backs? The choice is yours. But whatever you do, do not squeeze the thing down your throat as it is strictly "kissable" but not safe for consumption.

But you could still cover your wang in kissable chocolate goodness and be all "Willy Wonka, bitch" if you still wanted to. It's safe for skin.

WARNING: NOT GLUTEN FREE! This stuff contains maltodextrin which celiacs will know as a big tummy ache causer. So if you have a gluten allergy, this stuff is not safe for you--but the label won't tell you that, I will because I know what this ingredient means. You're welcome.

It's kind of like playing with tacky wallpaper glue, actually. It does not wash off easily and it might tear your skin if you rub too hard. Actually I'm concerned that kissing this stuff with chapped lips could cause serious damage.

Okay, so whatever you do, don't put it on your penis and have your friend come up and kiss on it with their dry lips. Because remember that scene in Christmas Story when the kid licked the flag pole?

I rest my case.

You know that cheap "chocolate flavored candy" that you'll find in discount stores that is actually made with carnauba wax (surfboard wax) that has that super fake flavor? That's this stuff. IN A TUBE. Yeah, you don't want none of that. It does indeed taste like chocolate, it doesn't smell like much but if you really whiff it there's a hint, and it's kinda sorta sweet.

It's not like your normal irresistible chocolatey taste from your favorite candybars and breakfast cereals. No, this is much much crappier.

So the way I put this stuff to the test was I took it to a photo shoot and had all the models try it. Some tried it on each other, some tried it on themselves. Most complained of its stickiness and lamewad taste, and it doesn't exactly feel smooth on your skin.

The models all enjoyed the idea that the photographer brought some sex chocolate to sample, but none were impressed with it enough to take it home. Most were still trying to scrub the stuff off after I'd put it away.