"Oh my gosh. Is that what I think it is?!"

I went to the drug store to pick up some cold medicine for a friend, and what did I find tucked discreetly into a display case but the super-powered Wahl 7-in-1 that had been on my Eden wishlist for months. It was a new arrival, and it was on sale for $19.99.

Let me repeat that: twenty bucks.

Holy crap.

The only catch was that I'd have to face a surly cashier in order to buy it. That's a small price to pay, right? Maybe? I swallowed my embarrassment and tried to distract myself by imagining all the silly, unsolicited explanations I could give for my purchase - Touch it to your head for inner ear pain! Stick the suction-cup looking attachment to a cocktail shaker for the perfect martini! Oh, you mean this ISN'T a power drill?

Nobody asked questions, so my excuses went unused. I blushed a little bit and hurried to my car.

I didn't get to test it out until a couple of days later, and oh, sweet bajeezus, it was everything I'd expected. Well, almost everything - mine's not as quiet as it ought to be because it was built with the vibrating part off-center, so it grinds against the drill-looking portion's hard, plastic edge. Not a big deal, as it's still pretty quiet.

It's powerful. All these references to power drills aren't really jokes - this thing is a machine. It has two speeds, Low and High, or more appropriately, "Earthquake" and "Giant Destructive Asteroid." This is a very, very good thing.

It has seven weird-looking attachments that range from nubby to trumpet-shaped. I haven't tried them all, mostly because my clitoris and I haven't figured out what we're supposed to do with the spiky one. But in all seriousness, this thing is a really well-designed, functioning, quality massager for whatever part of your body you want to stick it against. It requires a wall outlet for power, but that's to be expected with such a strong motor. The cord is long, which is convenient.

I mean it when I say quality. The attachments are made of hygienic, food-grade silicone that you can handwash, boil, put in the dishwasher, or clean with toy wipes. The body of it is made of sturdy, durable plastic. It's not pretty by any means, but if you like strong, direct vibration or deep massage, the Wahl is a great choice. Also, they've been in the vibrator business since forever.