Infatuation Body Spray For Her is a sensual product designed to make people who identify as “her” smell attractive, I think. It’s in a pink bottle and says “for her,” but I’m not sure how it‘s supposed to work. I’ll elaborate on my confusion later.

This pheromone spray comes in a brushed metal spray can with a pink plastic cap. The can is small, so it might make you feel like you’re a giant when you hold it. When I first held the can, I already felt more attractive just thinking about how big my hand looked around it.

Once I finished thinking about how to make the most of my giant hands, I popped off the cap and sprayed some in the air. This stuff comes out fast. It’s hard not to spray a lot of it, so you definitely don’t want to spray it directly at yourself or people you care about. Stick to the walk-through technique: spray some in the air in front of you, then walk into the mist. Spin around and imagine you’re in a beautiful misty oasis. Once you feel like enough of this stuff has stuck to you, it’s time for the hard part: you’ve got to breathe it in.

People must be more attractive when they have a headache. That’s got to be it. Infatuation Body Spray starts off smelling like fresh, clean laundry. But it’s sneaky. It makes you smell the nice, gentle scent first (I don’t know how, it’s some evil perfume science), and then it uppercuts you with a billion flowers. The scent of the sweet, honeysuckle-like flowers makes a mad dash into the nose and sets up little scent harpoons.* Sneeze, exhale, try what you want, but you’ll be smelling this stuff for a while.

The best way to use this stuff is to spray it in a room, then sit in the room and wait for whomever you’re seducing to come in to see you. Once they come in, wait for the flower harpoons to give them a headache, too, and then make your move. Just say, “Hey, I‘ve got the cure for that headache I just gave you.” (cue porno music as you pat the bed next to you) It’s a foolproof plan.

Onto my confusion about this spray. What’s supposed to make this spray special is that it has a pheromone called “androstadienone” in it. Androstadienone is a derivative of testosterone. It can positively affect the mood of heterosexual women and of homosexual men. Is this some kind of weird marketing? Are women supposed to spray themselves with this stuff so they make themselves attracted to the men around them? Or is it some selfless group mentality spray, where a woman wears it and makes gay men more attracted to each other and gives the other straight women a lusty boost of aerosol courage? These mysteries might be important if this stuff actually smelled good. Maybe the sprays “For Him” are more effective, since they seem to have the same pheromone in them.

As far as safety and cleaning are concerned, the safest thing you can do is to spray just a little bit of this stuff at one time. For this product, less is definitely more. You can also experiment with the placebo effect and just pretend to spray it. Then you feel more attractive and you‘re headache-free! Also, no matter how bad your headache is, don’t try to kill the bottle by stabbing it with a fork. It’s not worth the explosion. Don’t put the can in a fire, either, even if you already know you‘re not getting your rent deposit back.

*Full disclosure: I mean no offense to honeysuckle. I’m not good at describing scents if they don’t smell like tangible things like an orange or a dog.

On multiple days I used the walk-through method to apply this spray just before my male partner got home from work, and got zero reactions from him. I sprayed it in my room, and he didn’t notice. The only time he noticed the spray was when I sprayed it directly on myself, and he didn’t seem to like the smell. His level of attraction to me did not seem to be affected by this product.

All kidding aside, if I only spray a little bit of it at a time, it makes a decent air freshener, but that’s about it.