Recently I finally decided to take the plunge and splurge on a massager-style vibrator, a power-house Hitachi-style vibrator, and not just for the usual reasons (namely, reported ridiculously mind-blowing orgasms, though those are quite the side-bonus).

You see, Lily has a bad back. And Lily's back massaging love often isn't around when her back is aching. And of coarse she can't reach said back when it decides to lay the smackdown on Lily. Hence, the appeal of the Ideal.

That bizarrely shaped handle is designed to be as ergonomic as possible, in as many positions as possible, at as many angles as possible. In short, to be something even I can use to reach the unreachable portions of my back; or my clit from some rather exotic yet back-friendly sexual positions. I swear, the bruises on my inner thighs are from... horseback riding. Not vibrator riding. Honest.

Anyway I was looking for something ridiculously strong enough to relax my intractable back, and then switch to ripping out mind bending orgasms without breaking a sweat, while still being something I could comfortably maneuver under both conditions. And preferably something I could leave sitting on my desk for a quick one, back or crotch, with no one batting an eye. (I managed to keep a straight face the day my mother insisted on using it to give me a neck massage).

As a non-sexual massager, the marketed use, it is absolutely wonderful. To date, it is the only mechanical device short of a TENS unit that could loosen those muscles. And I can reach to do it myself without straining due to that lovely, outlandish handle.

Even if I could never steer this power tool south, it would still be worth every penny I paid for it. But what self-respecting clitoris is going to stand for the back hogging that kind of power? Not mine. She’s a bit of a brat some days.

Even as a woman who has trained herself to orgasm rather quickly, repeatedly, I was amazed at the speed with which the Ideal demanded orgasms from me; on low, through jeans. Some of this may be chalked up to anticipation, and to the danger of my roommate returning at any time, but it was still more than impressive.

It was also a bit loud. For some strange reason, a certain someone has on occasion lovingly referred to it as my pussy chain saw. Thankfully much of the volume is damped when the Ideal is pressed tightly against flesh. For whatever reason.

So to test just how loud it was I turned it on, dropped it on my bed, and left the room. On low I couldn’t hear it through the door unless I had my ear to the wood, but oh high it was audible over the noise of blowing fans through the door. Having lived in an all-girl dorm, though, I can say that I’ve heard louder electric razors and epilators. Not many, but there have been a few. (And they would never come anywhere near my legs, thanks very much.)

As a sex toy cleaning freak, however, the Ideal worries me. It isn’t water resistant in any way, so you have to be very careful cleaning it; toy wipes are perfect here. But unless you are maneuvering the toy wipes with tweezers, it is very hard to clean up inside the ball of the massager; especially around the spring. Most people won’t have a problem with anything getting in there, but if you squirt in large volumes be prepared for an intensive cleaning session.

Did I mention that because it's rechargeable, there's no power-cord tango? And that it fits the attachments designed for the Hitachi, allowing you to turn the Ideal into a vibrating dildo with gratuitous amounts of energy?

Now if only they’d come out with an otherwise identical, but waterproof edition. I’d even settle for splash-proof. Induction chargers are a well established technology that could eliminate the persnickety power plug hole in favor of a no-plug stand.

When I purchased the Ideal, I wasn’t quite sure what I was getting myself into. I thought that, as a sex toy, it would be a decent strong vibrator to add to the rotation. I assumed that I would be mainly using it on my back. I didn’t realize just how strong the Ideal is.

I also didn’t realize that I am a power whore (as is the penis in my relationship). While using the Ideal on low (in doggy style), my lube-drenched hand slipped. The Ideal pushed back farther, it touched his balls… and I had to scrape my deliriously orgasmic lover off of the ceiling with a putty knife. He has since made some not-so-subtle requests for its use during oral.

So men if you can handle the power, the Ideal can be an incredible addition to playtime; with or without attachments. When the Low setting seems too strong, a hand wrapped around the ball of the massager damps it down to manageable levels. We also discovered that the vibrations travel marvelously though cheeks during a blowjob.

For the heavy squirters in the audience, there is a way to give your Ideal a condom-like fluid barrier. Get a roll of cling wrap, and carefully wrap the entire massager, from ball to base, in clear plastic wrap. Then carefully go to town less worried about drenching the massager.

If done carefully, with a great deal of overlap, the head can still flex and the button can still be moved, but you won’t soak the magical mechanical bits in your enthusiasm. Remember this procedure does not make the Ideal waterproof, nor does it make it perfectly safe from bodily fluids. Whether in waterfall amounts, or in tiny amounts, any fluid amount is sufficient to pass on STIs.

As the ball and handle are made of plastic, any kind of lotion or massage oil can be used for massage, and any kind of lube for play, as long as you’re careful not to get any inside. Because of the gently textured head, there’s a little too much friction for the head to glide during a massage without something to make it slick. On the other hand, if you like the friction, make sure you don’t get too much lube on the head.