No, boardgames definitely aren't what they used to be.

I can't be the only person who remembers waking up on Christmas morning, unwrapping the biggest box of them all, and pulling out a game whose playing surface was almost half the size of the dining table, and was the most gaudily gorgeously colored thing you'd ever seen... at least until you opened the next gift?

Sex Around The House, on the other hand, comes in a box that's about half the size of my laptop, and contains a board that just about covers the keypad. Humbug! Discrete is for dildos. I want my board games the size of Connecticut.

Hold on, let me just send the spoiled brat to her room. A room, thankfully, that isn't one of those mapped out in Sex Around The House. We have: the master bath and master bedroom, the dining room and den, living room, kitchen, laundry room, patio and garage (and a set of cards for each of them), and the adventure begins in the foyer. Where you place your colored gamepieces, roll the dice and make your way into the room of your choice. There, at the entrance, a pair of feet await. Land directly upon them and you draw a card from the room....

And then you act out the instructions. Which, if you've already played either The Bedroom Game or The Sinner's Wheel, is either where the fun begins, or the trouble starts. From my own experience with adult games, I'd say the instructions on each of the cards are more or less in the "ho hum" category: Make Love While Lying On The Bedroom Floor is a great thing to do. But it will probably bring the game to a very abrupt ending. Or, if you happen to be in the garage, and presumably in the car, perform oral on her while she is lying on the back seat. Okay, but only if you don't mind having your ass sticking out of the door. While my head hangs out of the other.

To the laundry room. Perform oral on him while he is sitting on the washer/dryer. To the chiropractor's office... damn, there aren't any cards for that, but if there were - think of a great excuse to give the doctor while explaining how you put your back out this time.

As is so often the case, then, Sex Around The House is more a game to give you ideas than it is one you will want to slavishly follow; and maybe it's just me, but I find the random dictates of the cards to be a few choice words and expressions short of being an actual turn-on. Phrases like "make love," "perform oral"... yes, we know what they mean. But shouldn't the language of lovers be a little more raunchy? A little more daring? I want cards that make me blush when I read them aloud, and will make him want to leap out of his clothes and obey me on the spot. These, while doubtless catering to an audience who maybe don't feel comfortable with the rudest words in our vocabulary... well, don't they also cater to an audience who probably wouldn't be buying this game in the first place? "Thank you for coming to visit, Mother Superior, and while you're here, would you like to play a board game?"

Hmmm. Okay, maybe not.