I was pumped to get the Samurai vibrating pump. Being that I have the vagina in the relationship, this clearly was not for me, but it doesn’t take away the excited factor for me at all. I felt like whipping this out during play time would be a great way to add a little fun to our nightly endeavors. Oh, I was wrong.

The Samurai was doomed before I even opened the box. The picture on the box looks like it came from the 70’s or a bad porno flick. I like to think of myself as one of those ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’ kind of people, so I had every intention of letting this go. People usually throw the box away right?

The total length of the Samurai is 11”, with the tube being about 7 ½”. The total circumference is 4” The description says there is a ‘flexible black latex donut’, which is meant to create an air tight seal around the penis. I wouldn’t consider this flap of rubber a donut at all. It is actually a very thin piece of rubber that stretches around the bottom of the tube, and then tapers together with an opening for the penis. This opening poses a threat to fun because it makes it very hard to get the penis into the pump even when it is lubed up. The seal is made from rubber so you can use both silicone or water based lubricants with this pump. Either you decide on, you are going to need plenty of it.

When we finally got my partners manhood into the pump we realized how flawed the seal is. Actually getting any suction on the Samurai takes a lot of work. With no air tight seal the pump loses any suction right away and is almost rendered useless. Lucky for the Samurai, it has other features, so we didn’t give up hope on it right away.

Once we realized we were not going to be able to get a good suction with this pump we decided to play with the vibration feature. My partner really enjoys having things that buzz on his penis so having the vibrating feature is what really sold me on this pump. Yet again I was disappointed in such weak vibrations. I wasn’t expecting anything too strong, but something above what you would get from a fly’s wings would have been nice. I can say it was very quiet though!

My last hope was the ‘inflatable tongue’. This is a great concept, but yet again another fail for the Samurai. Without enough suction the tongue won’t inflate and just hangs there uselessly. I found that if I held the pump down on my partner’s body with some force it would create just enough suction to inflate just a little, but never the way it should have.

I was desperate for any part of the Samurai to work as described at this point, and I was down to the last feature-the release button. Without suction I knew there would be no way to test this button so I did the only thing I could think of. I stuck this not-so-bad boy to my thigh and went to pumping. I got just enough suction and pushed the button. Amazingly it worked! I really hate to admit it, but that was the most exciting part of this whole experience.

With an open mind we tried several more times to use and enjoy this pump, but it was a complete fail every time until eventually it found a new home in the trash can. The lack of suction isn't something that can be fixed, and without suction a pump is useless.