The Naughty Naomi masturbator was absolutely a bust. I had to recruit my partner to help test it out, given that I have no penis with which to violate this oddly heavy, squashy ass-analogue. "I need to borrow your dick. It's for science!" I told him. He didn't look convinced, but since he's awesome, he agreed to lube up and give 'er a go.

Unfortunately, the experience was less than stellar. First of all, the sleeve has sort of a fake "butt crack" with a little round, um... "butt hole." This is an interesting design choice, overall, but it made the toy extremely awkward to use. My partner reports that he could not figure out exactly what he was supposed to be doing with it. He found it difficult to thrust into it, but it didn't work well as a "sleeve" either. It was actually, we agreed, sort of like he was trying to bone a very large, flaccid dildo. More about that later.

The box contained a large hunk of soft, skin-like TPR in a rather shapeless mass, and a bullet vibrator attached to a triangular shaped controller with a thumbwheel to control vibration intensity.

The bullet, by itself, is great. It requires two AA batteries and gives a nice strong vibration at all settings. It is meant to go into a hole in the "butt" part of the toy to provide stimulation while using the toy, but is best used on its own.

The tightness left something to be desired, mostly because the TPR material was just TOO stretchy. I probably could have stretched it out and worn it as a hat if I'd wanted to, but I did not want to. I might be really, really silly, but I'm not THAT silly.

The toy also had a very, very strange smell - it smelled like melted vanilla candles. It was not in the least bit unpleasant, just surprising. I've been told that many toys made of this particular type of soft TPR are scented like this so perhaps this is a normal thing.

The thing that we both noticed, however, is that it was INCREDIBLY heavy! This thing weighed in at over a pound and that made it even more awkward to use. Imagine trying to maneuver a big awkwardly shaped chunk of gelatin that weighs a pound and a half with one hand (or both hands? We never figured out a good way to use it) while you "use it" with your penis. It was just difficult.


The sleeve itself is lined with little nubs and my partner reports that they actually felt rather good! So this isn't all bad. It was, he said, sort of like "some kind of space ass, full of... space tentacles." I swear to god neither of us was on acid. The best use we came up with for it was for him to insert his penis all the way in and for me to stroke him with the "sleeve" part. It was silly, awkward and funny, and actually led to it being a really fun and bonding experience, but by and large, not really stimulating.

We tried using it both with (he didn't really like it) and without the included bullet vibrator, which to be honest was the best thing about this item! The removable bullet has become one of my favorite toys (and his!), long after the Space Ass has been relegated to the "no thank you" pile. So that's the shining star in the Space Ass story.

It is made of plush, soft TPR, which is a fairly safe but still permeable substance which cannot be boiled to sanitize, so make sure to wash it with soap and warm water well after each use. Even boys toys need to be squeaky clean!

From end to end, the "Sleeve" portion of it is probably about five inches, maybe six. A gentleman with a longer member would find the head of his penis poking out the end of the sleeve an perhaps not getting the stimulation he would like. The "butt" portion of the toy is about six inches around, with the hole in the center. All in all it is an interesting design, but I do not feel that its function was served as well as intended, given that the toy was both flaccid AND heavy, and a little on the "short" side.

Overall, we were disappointed, but the laughs we got reviewing it and the jokes that have now become personal in jokes have been absolutely worth it. Would we try another male toy? Of course we would. But the "Space Ass" didn't send either of us over the moon.

Well, that bullet did - we loved it. Thanks for that, Space Ass.

Guest Review by The Man who Puts Up with Vanessa Jade

Flaccid.

That joke of a word that came, unbidden into my mind when I opened the box to see an amorphous brown blob, smelling faintly of cheap vanilla and cocoa oils, sulking in the bottom. I upended the box, and the malodorous, brown, floppy, shaking, formless mass fell to the bed with a faintly audible "plop".

Flaccid was definitely the right word.

I like masturbating. My goal here, today, was to attempt to masturbate using this thing.

I began to have my doubts. Flaccid. It was the perfect adjective to describe everything about this "ass." The way it lay on the bed. Flaccid. In the center of its largest face, a puckered hole. I've seen many a fine asshole in real life. I won't go so far as to say that I'm a connoisseur of assholes, but I know a nice one when I see one. This was not a nice looking asshole.

Opposite the maw was a dangling, flaccid length of what one might attempt to pass as "chocolate colon". That is, a tube of brown, stretchy, tubing, faintly twisted and kinked like a length of large intestine. About 2 or 2 and a quarter inches in diameter, and about a quarter of an inch thick. This was the rectum-analogue.

Sliding the head of my cock into the Naomi's anal maw was like pressing it into some sort of absurdist take on cock-rings gone mad. The rubber is so soft it's like dough. My cock goes into the ring (eventually) and slides down to the base of my shaft, the pseudo-sphicnter exerting not the faintest squeeze. The rest of my cock stands at attention, the head and fenulum poking out proudly from the top as if to say "Problem?"

At this point maintaining an erection took conscious effort, and I'd even busted out the performance enhancing drugs on the prospect of a rewarding wank. When you've got a double dose of tadalafil in your veins and your johnson is still having this much trouble staying erect, you've got a problem. A serious sitmulation problem.

None the less, this was an assignment, I'd see it through to the end.

I wank in multimedia; sometimes I'm reading old stories from Temple of the Screaming Electron, sometimes I'm looking at amateur porn on Twitter, sometimes I'm looking at photos of kink beyond fetish. Eventually, after some kind of process, an orgasm is the result.

This process failed to occur with the Naughty Naomi accompanying me. I tried to stroke myself through the sleeve, but the rubber was too soft. If you weren't balls deep in the thing, it was just going to fall off the end of your dick as soon as you started trying to stroke. This gave me the idea of trying to fuck it. No dice.

Erection at half mast, I pulled the eject handle. Off came the ass. Out came the good lube. Around went the fist. On went the good porn. Crisis averted.

The sleeve is going in the fucking dumpster. But the bullet is nice.