I'll be frank: The toy's title takes longer to say than any pleasure that can be derived from it.


Packaging:

Like many sex toys for men, there truly was no expense spared on the packaging. In fact, I suspect there wasn't any expense spared for it, at all. It's nothing more than copier-paper-thin cardboard backing with the run-of-the-mill beefcake with a 'sexy' (read: vapid) stare into the blank nothingness of a camera lens. Topped off with some pseudo-80's graphics and lofty promises of being taken to the heights of pleasure... Let's move on.


Materials:

Regardless of what the materials listed on the card (silicone, naturally), this actually brought back a single childhood memory as to how it felt lying in my palm:

If you can remember those sticky-hand toys that you'd pay a quarter for from a mini-bubble vending machine at the grocery store, you're on the right track! Now, let it sit out for a month or two until it has sapped the hair and carpet fibres from anything it came in contact with while simultaneously losing all ability to stick... I think you know where I'm going with this.

Even so, I swore to my partner that I would give this a fair shot. Although, once she saw the look on my face as I agreed, I think even she knew that there'd be no joy derived from this thing.

Though, as a plus, the toy made a great 'distraction' for my dog, who thought that it was HERS and tried snapping at the thing, thinking it was a new chew toy. (Mercifully, it was not in use, at the time.)

If you are made of stern stuff, read on. Otherwise, turn back now... Then again, if I had to suffer, so should you. Read on! Yah, mule!

By now, dear reader, you could probably assume I didn't have high hopes for this 'pleasure apparatus.' As a wise man/woman whose name is lost to the ravages of time once said, 'If you always assume the worst, you'll never be disappointed.' And oh, how correct they were.

After ensuring I was stiff enough to wrestle with the bastard offspring of Cuthulu, I decided to give this thing a shot.

First off, it's a bit awkward to tie any form of knot using a material just short of stiffened jelly around flesh. Worse yet, the 'tendrils' held a mind of their own, each independent of the other, resulting in quite a bit of useless flopping about.

After tear-laced with laughter on both ends of the bed, I tried for 'take two.' After getting it wrapped around my cock, I noticed something occurring that it wasn't supposed to do: It was slipping. Quickly.

Since I knew this wasn't one of the 'features,' I checked the card. 'Stays in place.'

No, it wasn't. It was slithering every which way it could in an effort to make an escape, as if it wanted nothing to do with being pinned between two bodies. How did I manage to get the prudish sex toy?!

And the 'vibration' function that would provide hours of penisy pleasure? It barely functioned! The feedback from a cell-phone set to vibrate would have been stronger. It was, bar-none, the weakest bullet I've ever experienced.

(As an aside, I did discover a useful application for it: It makes a decent flail with a slightly satisfying 'slap' against skin if you're into sensation play, have someone who's just starting out into BDSM or just want something more forgiving than chain, but not as loving as leather.)