The mail arrived! The mail arrived! . . . and I was waiting for Lady Lager to greet me when I opened the door. Fortunately, it was a hot day, she was discretely packaged, and I was ready for a good brew. Knowing what awaited me, I quickly snatched the package from the porch and brought it inside for the grand opening. Hmm. . .rather unusual; inside the discrete USPS Priority Mail box, was a beer can sealed within a clear plastic container. Shouldn’t it have been packed in dry ice to keep it cold?

It was certainly a surprise to discover that my eagerly awaited “Lady Lager” really wasn't a can of beer - the can is made from plastic, not metal, and I couldn’t pull the tab off the top. I began to feel as if I was exploring something out of the Da Vinci Code – a mysterious container that must have a surprise lurking inside. As any detective would, I began looking for additional clues and quickly noticed a “warning” just under the word, ahem, “sex.” What kind of brewery would put THAT word on a beer can? Directly under that, a consumer protection alert admonishes (yes, this is really printed on the can):

“WARNING: This product contains a highly concentrated, highly pleasurable experience. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy machinery. Always use plenty of Fleshlight Brand personal lubricant to achieve maximum realism. If an erection lasts for more than four hours, use this product again.”

Wait a minute – this can’t be a can of beer! The suspense was killing me (or should I say I was starting to get a bit of a rise out of this mystery) and was relieved to find that the top of the can could be removed by twisting it. OMG! I couldn’t believe it – there it was, starring right at me from the now exposed interior of the can - a genuine Superskin pussy! No, someone didn’t stuff a cat in the can – the Lady Lager contains an authentic looking pink-colored vagina that beckoned my aching manhood. I reached down to gently fondle her inviting pouting lips only to be delighted at how realistic they felt. Sliding some lube on my finger, I gently explored the interior. No longer able to resist myself any further I succumbed to temptation. I was only semi-attired (it was a hot day) and did what any man in similar a circumstance might do: I striped down, lubed it up, and kicked back to enjoy the brew. The end result felt like a Mentos going off in a can of Diet Coke.

The exterior of the Lady Lager Fleshlight is constructed from rigid plastic and resembles a can of beer. Most of the can is covered with a label that also adds to the not-so-subtle deception as to what is really contained inside. While in use, the Lady Lager easily fits into a man’s hand although it can get a bit slippery if any lube gets on it. The best part, of course, is the surprise found inside: a latex and phthalates-free Superskin pussy which feels a lot like real skin. The interior contains a landscape of textures to explore with your manhood although they’re not overpowering.

What surprised me most, however, is that the penis sleeve is very soft and pliable; it becomes instantly flaccid when removed from the can. I noticed that the Lady Lager has a very slight smell which is difficult to describe – it is reminiscent of petroleum jelly. There is just the hint of a taste - perhaps corn starch? I wasn’t able to discern if the smell is from the penis sleeve or the can. I suspect that this will eventually disappear with use.

The design is rather clever – a masturbator disguised as beer can. The exterior length is just under eight inches and the outside diameter is approximately three inches. Certainly large enough for me (and I suspect for most men): guys who come in “big or tall” sizes may have difficulties with the Lady Lager. It appears this product is designed for those of us of average size and girth as the inside diameter of the orifice is just under two inches - which will give most men a tight experience.

It is unlikely that I would travel with this as the Lady Lager is designed as a novelty toy for men to blow their load. While it probably won’t set off alarms going through security, I wouldn't want risk the chance that a curious airport agent might ask, “Excuse me sir, could you open up that plastic beer can (the one with SEX written on the label) so I can see what’s inside?” A small sample of lube come also comes with the Lady Lager and is packaged inside the can. I do not know if security will pick up this liquid so make sure it has been removed if you want to risk traveling with it.

Once the “mystery” pussy inside the can is revealed, the intended function of this as a masturbator is obvious. The exterior of the can is durable and the Superskin pussy feels great (to your hands and to your cock). When first penetrating the inner chambers of the pleasure tunnel, it is necessary to ensure that plenty of water-based lube is applied to both Lady Lager and your love muscle. I was surprised to find that is was a bit difficult at first to get my knob past her inviting lips. So much so that I ended up letting her explore my shaft first before discovering that it’s best to loosen the cap on the bottom of the can in order to make penetration easier. When the bottom cap is screwed on tightly, air cannot escape from the back and it is difficult to get inside. Loosening it up made the process much easier (I would highly recommend doing this before starting) and allows one to fully explore Lady Lager’s inner sanctuary. Once inside, tightening the cap increases the amount of suction and it can then become rather difficult to completely remove your dick. This is certainly a sensation that I enjoy! Even though I have yet to find Lady Lager’s sweet spot (the perfect amount of suction), it feels really good to experiment by adjusting the back cap.

Although it is not required, the suggestion to prep Lady Lager by soaking her in warm water is a good idea and will slightly enhance your experience. Realize, however, that this optional preparation process takes a bit of effort to remove the sleeve, soak it, and then return it to the can: the time spent doing this may distract from your own anticipatory excitement.

Once foreplay begins (whether or not she’s been warmed up first), it’s important to use a fair amount of water-based lube – on your dick, on her lips, and inside her tunnel of love otherwise it will make penetration difficult. Do not use anything other than a water-based lube as Lady Lager has very sensitive skin and can be damaged with silicone and other types of lubes.

While the decision on where to cum is up to you (I prefer inside), the cleanup process will be the same as was used to prep her. Your Lady should only be rinsed out in warm water as soap and detergents can cause damage. If desired, the manufacturer also suggests that a small amount of Isopropyl alcohol may be used. Obviously, once you use your Lady, she’s yours and shouldn’t be shared. Once cleaned up, it’s important to let the penis sleeve dry completely before reinserting it back into the can. It is also suggested to dust the pussy with cornstarch to keep it fresh, feeling like new, and to extend the life of the product. Of course, one word of caution is in order: while there are no warnings to refrigerate after opening, I wouldn’t advise it unless, of course, you have an unhealthy desire to freeze your dick off. . .

This Sex-In-A-Can Fleshlight product comes in a clear plastic, tamper-proof container that is only slightly larger than the Lady Lager. Presumably the tape that seals the container allows you to determine if your friend is brand new or has been “pre-owned.” Make sure your new lady is sealed. Interestingly, my Lady had a long bead of rubber cement running down the side of the can which may have been intended to hold it in place, inside the container, during shipping. This made it a bit difficult to remove from the package and also required that a little effort be exerted to get rid of the rubber cement before the initial use. Also contained was an insert with the product’s name on it, as well as a picture of Lady Lager’s pussy and interior design of the sleeve. The reverse side contains some simple instructions. While there is nothing discreet about the packaging, the container can be used to store this masturbator.

My new playmate is easy to use although the preparation and clean-up processes could be easier. She doesn’t complain too loudly either (other than a few soft slurps and related sounds). I found that this toy is tight and somewhat difficult to penetrate at first, especially if not enough lube is used or the back cover is not loosened before you enter her. Although the size is just fine for me, I suspect larger men may desire something bigger. Personally, I enjoyed the tightness.

Prior to use, I actually read the brief instructions which suggested that the Superskin interior should be soaked in warm water first to make it even more life-like. In order to do so, the sleeve must be removed from the can. The correct manner to do so (if there is one) is not mentioned in the instructions: it may be removed from either the top or the bottom of the can as there is an opening on either end. For me, it was easiest to remove the sleeve from the bottom of the can. At first, I was afraid the process would damage or tear the penis sleeve but the Lady Lager is one tough lady and everything is fine. Placing it back in the can is also a bit tricky but not too difficult.

It's amusing that the penis sleeve provides another interesting sensory experience when it’s out of the can; it makes slurpy/squeaky sounds when squeezed – even before it has been placed in water to warm it up. Playing with it produces some very interesting noises. I can’t help but chuckle that Lady Lager happens to be a real squeaker when you’re getting her prepared to play!