Hey sex Fans!

Dr Dick is mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore!

If there's one thing I know something about, it's blowjobs. I am of the mind that the humble hummer, if administered with even a modicum of skill, is about the best sex a guy can get. So imagine my excitement when the good people at EdenFantasys sent me a Hustler Silver Hummer Blow Job Imitator for review. I hungrily tore at the packaging while trying to imagine how this contraption was going to simulate a blowjob.

The Silver Hummer is an odd lookin' device; a mushroom shaped cap made of an unnecessarily thick rubbery material with a puny bullet vibrator on the underside (more about this in a minute). All this is attached to a pump action bulb via a plastic tube. Ok, I get it; you lube up your crank, get it nice and hard (and I do mean nice and hard), then pop this rubbery cap on your dickhead, switch on the bullet vibrator, and start pumping the sucker with the bulb pump. Again, I was skeptical about how any of this action was supposed to simulate an actual blowjob, but far be it from me to nay-say this early in the game.

But wait, there's an immediate problem the mushroom shaped cap, which I assume should fit snugly over my rigid dickhead. It is too big. And if it's too big for me, I'm going to go way out on a limb here and say that only a tiny fraction of the male population has a thick enough cockhead to fill this thing. What were they thinking? I know, I know, you're thinking the bulb pump is supposed to seal the device on my precious johnson, right? I thought that too, but there was no way that was going to happen given the thick rubbery material and the feeble pump.

And the vibrating bullet - forget about it! A comatose 90 year-old can hum better than this. Besides there's a good quarter inch of that blasted rubbery material between the vibe bullet and my pecker; so it ain't got a chance to work its magic, no how. Bummer!

What else could go wrong, you might ask? Well I'll tell ya. You remember the lube I slathered on my dick before inserting it in the mushroom shaped cap? All my furious squeezing of the bulb pump, trying to get it to actually grip my cock, did nothing to make a tighter seal; but it sure enough succeeded in sucking the lube up into the plastic tube, and presumably the squeeze bulb itself. Although, I didn't stick around to check. What I can tell you for sure is the lube-clogged tube further diminished the effectiveness of the feeble bulb pump. This was so aggravating.

Hey Larry Flint, and all your minions at Hustler, Dr Dick is calling you out on this travesty. How could you put your good company name on such trash? Some of us would naturally gravitate to a product with "Hustler" in the name, thinking it stood for quality. Well, your Silver Hummer Blow Job Imitator sucks...and not in a good way!

The person who designed this pathetic excuse for a sex toy clearly has never even got a bad blowjob. Or else he's so cynical that he thinks the intended user wouldn't know a good cocksucking if he got one. Nothing about this product faintly resembles even a disappointing blowjob, except perhaps the frustration one feels at shelling out good money to a provider only to discover he/she doesn't know his/her way around a guy's johnson.

Listen up sex fans, the reason sex toy makers continue to mass-produce crap like the Silver Hummer Blow Job Imitator is because there's a market. What do you say we all pledge, right here, right now, not to buy junk. When the demand ceases, the supply will disappear. You can count on it.

Dr Dick