Historically speaking, men have had it kind of rough when it comes to masturbation. In fact, it could be argued that in this age of sex-positivity, we men are second-class masturbators. Female masturbation has classically been viewed as beautiful, idyllic, and Totally Hot. Male masturbation|male masturbation toys on the other hand is just kind of sad and funny. It’s desperate, grimy; and tastes a lot like the hot, stinging tears of isolation.

But really, much of this is our own fault. We’re kind of dorky about it – we spaz it out in the bathroom with all the inherent hotness of a brain surgeon with a nervous tic. And what’s more, we’ve just not been all that choosy about it. Because when men really want something, they build it. And if they can’t build it, they, through the collective Patriarchy, will throw gobs of money in every direction until someone finally does figure out how to build it.

Which is where Japan comes in. Yes; you probably thought that the Japanese had grown somewhat complacent in their exported inventiveness, what with all the manga and the hentai and no new funky whirligigs. Well, you’re in for a bit of a surprise. The Japanese apparently take their masturbating very seriously.

And to that effect, Tenga has graced us with what just might usher in a sparkling new age of wankery. I of course am referring to the marvel of modern science known as the Flip Hole. The Japanese are already intimately familiar with the Flip Hole, as it’s their best-selling male sex toy|Tenga flip hole - Masturbator by Tenga. And now it’s our turn to experience the power and the glory of its onanistic goodness.

Yeah, the name is pretty cruddy. And we’ll deal with that a little bit later. Besides – and let’s be honest here – if you met a really hot girl, would you turn her down when you found out her name was Sarah Palin?

That’s pretty much what I thought. So let’s set the name thing aside for a moment, and instead focus on the otherwise faultlessness of the Flip Hole.

Perhaps the principal difference between the Flip Hole and other standard male masturbators|masturbation devices (I dunno why, but I really like saying ‘male masturbator’ a lot) is that the Flip Hole opens up, both for easy lubrication and easier cleaning. Which can only be a good thing; how many of us have old Fleshlights|Fleshlight butt review that, due to shoddy cleaning, smell kind of funny?

The opening-up of the Flip Hole’s ooey-gooey maw is a great deal of fun in and of itself. You see, it looks kind of like a skinny, penis-sized waffle-iron. And yes – I would totally make cock-waffles for breakfast. And admit it – so would you.

The short version? Well, quite honestly, this is the finest vagina-substitute man has created since the advent of anal sex.

If I have to register one complaint, it’s the name. ‘Flip Hole’ doesn’t exactly inspire thoughts of masturbatory goodness. In fact, ‘Flip Hole’ kind of sounds like a hybrid sinkhole-wormhole thing. I’m guessing that in its native Japan, ‘Flip Hole’ probably translates to something more stirring, like ‘Super Happy Slidey Honorable Vagina Penis Love Receptacle’.

And so, in the proud tradition of Americanizing everything we can sink our grubby mitts into, please allow me to offer a few alternate names for the Flip Hole:

1. The Cock-Waffler

2. The Wack-Vac

3. The Slurp (because it makes more mouth-noise than an old man sucking on his gums after a starch-heavy brunch. Think of John McCain issuing a deluge of denunciations and denials after having eaten a stack of overcooked, unbuttered biscuits.)

4. The Juice Ex Machina

The Flip Hole is the gift that keeps on giving. It’s the perfect holiday gift for the man in your life; or, if you’re a shallow prick like me, it’s the perfect gift to yourself. It is also well-suited to layabouts, stodgy recluses, as well as the mechanically inclined or curious. It’s nicer than a gnarled-up fist. It’s got an easy interface, it cleans up nicer than a Fleshlight|Fleshlight review or a sweatsock, and it looks totally space-age. What’s not to love?

After four days of scientific analysis frantic usage, I have come up with a simple eleven-step program for making the most out of your brand new Flip Hole:

1. Hygiene. You might want to give it a quick wash beforehand. I don’t know about you, but I am not terribly fond of sticking my wee-wee into any cavity whose cleanliness I cannot verify.
2. Disassembly. The Flip Hole sets itself apart from nearly every other machine ever created by man in that to prepare it for usage, you need not assemble anything; rather you must disassemble it. Simply remove the Flip Hole proper from its plastic docking port. Be sure to exercise a bit of care in this, as the docking port seems somewhat flimsy.
3. Flip. Gently flip the Flip Hole open from its Hole end.
4. Grease it. You have three choices of Hole Lotion, as it is labeled – Mild, Wild, or Real. Which I am pretty sure is a copyright infringement on Taco Bell. But I digress. However, I cannot stress this enough – Use A Fuck Of A Lot Of Lube. There’s a lot of silicone in there; and if you don’t know what happens when unlubricated silicone meets unlubricated skin, well – let me just tell you this much: it hurts. A lot. Trust me on this one; there are far better ways to win a Darwin Award.
5. Flip shut. Aim Hole end toward your penis. Now would be a good time to get it hard, by the way.
6. Insertion. While holding Flip-Hole firmly, insert erect penis into Hole. Please do not be alarmed when the Flip Hole begins speaking to you in a long, slurpy “pplllllllehhhhhhhhh”. This is neither a malfunction, nor a scene out of Stephen King’s The Dark Half. It’s just kinda talky, is all.
7. Vac-seal it. Increase/decrease vacuum-stimulation by pressing the buttons on the side. Think of it as zero-g sex. And enjoy its vag-o-magically squishiness.
8. You know what to do from here. This is the ‘reDiscover Sex’ part of the festivities. So go nuts.
9. Enjoy a cigarette and perhaps a celebratory cocktail.
10. Flip the Hole open again; wash gently with soap and water; flip and hang to dry. Remember not to leave it out with the dishes when your parents come over for a visit.
11. Dry-dock it. Once dry, return to its docking port until next use, or until the Decepticons attack.

I conducted a contest to find a better name for this toy.

This Japanese masturbator will be named:

“Large Hard-on Container”

…from Vicky, the winner: I've been out of school far too long and writing isn't one of my strong points. I can't be funny or persuasive, but I can give a suggestion for a better name than the Flip Hole for this space-age STU. That name is LHC, or Large Hard-on Container. Not only does this name accurately describe the product's function, but it can appeal to the nerd or geek and juvenile within by piggybacking on the Large Hadron Collider in the news and it's proliferation on the internet as the Large Hardon Collider ([https://cdn4.edenfantasys.com/images/microcontents/common/no-image.jpg). Not to mention there would be great marketing. You can lock, rock, and stroke your cock in an LHC and find your very own big bang. Vicky (whose boyfriend would love a Flip Hole)

and #2... I think the Flip Hole new name should be called the Containment Unit. I reason why believe this should be the name is because you are containing your unit, simple as that. When you need that instant satisfaction but have no wear to turn and you can't contain your self needs turn to the containment unit and have your instant satisfaction guarantee. My penis is thinking this is going to be the best thing in the market and is definately pointing to it. Yes I believe the Containment Unit is the best name. My little brother (penis) and I think so.