I’ve heard people say “Rubber men, sure, they’re all fine and well but they’re not as good as a REAL man.” But is it really fair to pit toys against real men, in, ahem, head-to-head competition?

Challenge: Generally Sexin’ Me Up
Real human man is often quite good at this, whereas Inflat-a-man has a strong tendency to lounge about with a shocked look on his open maw. The point on this one has to go to Fleshy Breathing Human Man.

Challenge: Eating Me Out
Real human man often displays very little talent at finding the clit (yes yes, we’re all impressed with how you can find the HOLE with your tongue but it’s going to take you like three weeks to cause an orgasm there) and repeating a pattern long enough to cause The Big One. But Rubber Dude would’ve during that same time sat there staring at me with shock that I’d asked such a thing. Half a point goes to Human Man, Rubbery Man gets negative 1 for being unwilling to even try.

Challenge: Doin’ It In The Shower
This always sounds so good in my mind but it really fundamentally kinda’ sucks, and not in the fun way. It’s slippery, it’s hard to get into position and hold it long enough to have an orgasm, there’s the ticking clock of running out of hot water (it’s like being on ‘Jeopardy’ except instead of needing to answer quickly, you need to cum, and hopefully Alex Trebek isn’t staring at you, during). The shower is, let’s face it, quite the hazards hotspot. And if you want to do it in the shower, this particular Inflate-a-man ain’t the one for you because of his (albeit meekly) vibrating cock. Human Person 0 (albeit the fault of logistics, not Human Person), Inflatey Guy 0. (Now if you'd like a bedazzling shower-friendly Inflate-a-man, permit me to highly recommend Waterproof Inflate-a-man, especially handy while one is having a sloppy period!)

Challenge: Getting It Up At A Moment’s Notice
We womenfolk fortunately don’t have a similar challenge. Sure, ideally we’ll produce moisture on command but who cares if we don’t? The global lube market sells over a billion dollars per year--which I found on a random website, so you KNOW it’s true--and though I personally only account for about $18 of that I still reckon you boys don’t care much if we slather it on or juice it outta’ our pusses on command, as long as we say ‘yes please, stick it in me’. And hear ye hear ye to that sorta’ spirit you dudes have of wanting it often. If your weenies don’t always follow suit with your brains, it’s not for lack of willpower. But when they coined the expression ‘made of wood’, I don’t doubt they were talking about an early primitive tree-hewn facsimile of Rubber Man because no matter when you want a hard cock he’s ready for you. Inflatey Man 1, I probably haven’t done it with your manfriend/husband/boytoy so you’ll have to rate him yourself.

Challenge: Cleanup
Rubber Dude is a bit challenging in this department...his member being all attached to a large person and all, he can’t be easily swished about under the spigot. Human men aren’t always that great about cleaning and sure there may be the occasional Dorito bit stuck to his crotch but at least you aren’t in charge of cleaning his vitals. ‘Sides, I like a nice surprise Dorito flavor when I go down. Point goes to Human Man, 2 points if he’s clean yet Doritos-spiced.

RUBBER MAN FACTS: The vibrator left me cold. The shape and size (7” long, 5” in circumference, solid and curved, with simulated veins) are nice although the material is unexciting; the vibrating action is about as earth-shaking as a gentle summer’s breeze. It’s also a sunnuvabitch to get the cock placed correctly (you have to put the cock in yourself and it’s like stuffing your arm into a keyhole) and if you insert it at an angle you’re likely to prefer to leave it crooked rather than fuck with it again to get it fixed.

Also: he’s extremely ugly. I mean bulldog ugly. (I don’t really care about that because nature blessed me with closeable eyelids, but maybe you’d like to know since you’re not staring at his fugly mug.) His mouth is a bit small for blowjobs (circumference 4.65”, depth of 4.5” so he couldn’t even blow himself) and it’s nearly impossible to clean since his lips are cupped on the inside, thus preventing fluids from exiting gracefully. (In other words, his purty mouth won't be so purty after a few uses.) His asshole is slightly sharp and slitty (think narrow 0 not O, thereby increasing the likelihood of brushing up against the semi-sharp assflaps), only 2.25” x .75” wide before stretched into more of an O, and less than 4” deep.