PicoBong, oh PicoBong. How do I use thee? Let me count the ways. Oh wait, there's only one.

I apologize if I seem crusty, but after some serious mental aerobics, I still haven't figured out a way to make this thing work the way it claims to. Let me explain. I requested this item because it was described as a vibrating penis ring, and I was intrigued. The toy certainly didn't look like a penis ring. But I figured that, at some point, some lab-rat must have made a breakthrough in penis ring research and technology. I pictured dudes with white beards and clipboards standing around test tubes and Bunsen burners. According to my imagination, they were all standing around the Koa, writing hurriedly on their clipboards while swirls of mysterious white smoke drifted up and around their lab coats. This thing must be cutting-edge, I thought to myself. After all, I read somewhere that it was designed in Sweden.

Getting back to my crustiness, my hopes for this toy went only half-fulfilled. It works fine as small vibrator, perhaps better than fine. But as a penis ring, the notion is beyond laughable. In fact, I'm pretty sure that someone, somewhere is laughing her ass off. But I'll explain this more later.

I take a lot from first impressions, so let's take a step back for a moment, and really look at this device as one would having just taken it out of the box. The tail is made of sturdy plastic, and the main body of the toy is made of velvety silicone. This is good. This means that it is made of a safe material (phthalate-free, non pourous), and that it will be easy to clean. Also, it is quite soft in texture, and no one anywhere will ever complain about nasty smells or chemical stickiness.

The main body of the Koa is roughly bulb-shaped, and set lengthwise along the toy is the brand name, PicoBong. Within the letters "P" and "B" are a + sign, and a - sign. These are your controls. Hold down the + to turn it on and cycle through the various levels of intensity and functions. Hold down - to turn it off. While I prefer a turn-dial or push-button control style, I found that these controls worked adequately, and after only one use, I had the hang of it.

Now we get to the tail, and this is where everything starts to go downhill. The tail is shaped with a sharp curve and flare at the end, almost like the handle-end of a shoehorn. I can only imagine that this is the part that is meant to fit around the penis for use as a penis ring. The only problem is that it doesn`t. Fit I mean. Remember earlier when I said that someone, somewhere is laughing her ass off? Well the reason said “her”, is because no man could ever expect this design to work. He would have tried it on and discovered that the tail isn`t big enough, and that the plastic isn`t flexible enough. In order to get it around the penis at all you must clip it on, like a clothespin. Once on (sort of) it only gets worse.

To start, it won`t stay on. The rigidity of the plastic causes it to lose its grip and it snaps off after mere seconds. And even if you can get it to stay in place, you will very quickly realize that the vibrating body of the toy is situated nowhere near a spot where it will do your partner any good. For me, it constantly slid over to the side. So on the odd chance that I could get the Koa sit securely in place (which I never will) no clitoris will be having any fun. Left labia-minora might, but clitoris will have to sit this one out.

OK. Let`s take a breath. As I`ve just finished mentioning, the Koa is a disappointment when it comes to its performance as a penis ring. But what about its performance as a vibrator? Well, welcome to this toy`s redeeming quality.

Strong for its size, and quiet, I was pleasantly surprised by how much oomph this little toy was packing. It has 12 functions (although I could only decipher 5 or so), and it can go from soft and gentle, to throbbing and intense in the space of moments. I was also surprised by how long the one little AAA lasted. In fact, I still haven`t changed the original battery since the day I first turned it on. Impressive.

Truthfully, though, I was never looking for a bullet-like vibrator. I`ve got way too many of those already. What I wanted was a vibrating penis ring that I could delight my darling wife with. While it does present a refreshing new take on a fairly 2-dimensional category of sex toys for men, sadly, the Koa failed me in that regard. Cue sad piano music here.