It’s always been one of my fantasies to have the ability to pleasure my wife at long distances. Something about having remote control over her nether regions just seems wonderful to me. Imagine my delight when I received this item in the mail. I quickly unpacked it, inserted the batteries, and awaited the return of my wife. Let’s just say disappointment ensued.

Let’s start with a definition. “Fits most sizes” would, to me, imply that said piece of underwear would fit on the order of 75% of the population. My wife is not a large woman. She wears a very moderate Medium in panties. Suffice it to say that it slightly killed the mood when she couldn’t get these panties over her lovely ass. Lucky, I was informed that Hanes underwear tends to also have pockets in the front exactly like these (Hanes is of course known for their kinky underwear?), so we substituted in a pair. Sure, this one was green with polka dots, but beggars can’t afford sex toys.

For the next 10 minutes, I had all kinds of fun playing with my wife as she went about her business. The range is impressive, spanning the length of our apartment, even working through doors and walls. The vibrations were also strong, enough to make her forget words mid sentence.

But the more we played, the more faults we found. First, the vibrator was loud. Loud enough that you wouldn’t use it in public unless you’re someplace where it’s difficult to hold conversations. It was also difficult to adjust once in place. While the beginning was good for teasing, my wife needs more control over the vibrations in order to orgasm, meaning this toy would be all foreplay and no bite. Finally, The battery for the remote is not standard. This to me is a huge oversight. The remote, being the size it is, has the space to contain 2 AA batteries or even a 9 volt. Instead, the use a tiny 12V battery that no one would ever keep a spare for, I assume just to boost the signal. Guess what? When this battery dies, I’m probably not going to go out and find another 12V battery, so it really doesn’t matter how much signal you gained with the extra power.

I’m being harsh. I don’t mean to be harsh. Maybe it’s because the toy insulted by wife by implying that her ass was larger than “most sizes,” and I feel obligated to defend her honor. Whatever the reason, this toy promised the world but ended up as just another broken dream.