One of the best things about reviewing products for Eden Fantasys is getting to try out sex toys for women that I would never normally buy for myself. Vibrating crotchless purple lamé g-strings are definitely in that category, and I looked forward to indulging in some skimpy sparkly (ok, trashy) lingerie fun. Unfortunately I think the Portable Pleasures vibrating panty might be about the lowest of the low end when it comes to novelty sex wear.

While the packaging doesn't actually claim that the panties are "one size fits all," they are probably best suited to someone with less than my size 10 junk in the trunk. I've never found g-strings to be my sexiest look, but it's even harder to feel sexy when the elastic (with unfinished and fraying ends roughly tacked to the fabric) around your hips is digging into your flesh. Aesthetics aside, on me, these panties aren't crotchless. They're assless. No amount of scrunching around and rearranging the fabric was going to get that hole in line with mine. And it is just that-a hole in the fabric, no finishing, no edges, just an oval sliced out of the panties where your crotch may or may not be; on my pair there were already runs starting in the polyester.

Ok, so the panties aren't flattering, they aren't made to last forever, and the opening is aligned a little differently than anticipated, but there's still a hands-free vibe involved, right? Nope. Again, this may only be how it fits me, but the sewn-in vibrator pocket is so deep that the vibe ended up hovering awkwardly somewhere below my vulva, making contact with nothing much and certainly not close enough to my clit to be any fun. So much for being hands-free.

The vibe itself is surprisingly strong, and quiet relative to the strength of the buzz. It's the only reason this product gets two stars from me. The vibe is a keeper-at least until the watch batteries die and I decide I'm too cheap to replace them, but the panties aren't worth it; even for giggles. Even if you aren't the crafty type, you're better off spending your $25 on a decent mini-vibe and retrofitting a pair of panties that make you feel like hot stuff. A couple of well-placed snips and 10 minutes with a needle and thread and I promise you'll have something as high quality as these are and much more fun.