The heart shaped breast massager seems to be just a second in line to a barrage of toys I find useless to my sexual desires. Firstly, only one of the vibrators worked. Which, that was all well and good. I could test the toy with only one. The jelly material heart is meant to stretch over your breast, then suction your nipple. You can slip the vibrator in and out of the toy (and it is powerful for its size, I must admit). My nipples didn’t suction well into the actual toy itself, so I didn’t find much I could do with it. So, for a week, it was packed away while I finished moving. Last night, I came across the “no-no” box (my roommate and I have a designated box where we put our “no-no” stuff; I argued it should be called the “yes-yes” box, but she won), and upon opening it, found the Heart Shaped Nipple Massagers.

I shrugged off my clothes, and climbed into bed. I stretched the hearts over my breasts, turned them on, and tried to make myself feel sexy, ran my fingers over long ignored places. I hadn’t thought of myself in weeks since I’d been moving, and I thought surely it’d make this experience much more pleasurable and memorable, and I could say good things about this toy, because I wanted to. I really did.

But the hearts just peeled off my breasts. Maybe I have too much. The vibrations against my nipples did nothing for me. And the tedious work of trying to keep them on my breasts, and trying (in vain) to be turned on by them, just made getting off feel like work. I give the vibrators themselves credit for being pretty powerful for their size (they can come in handy for other things) and for running quietly for the amount of vibration they exude, but again…it’s not something that could ever get me off, much less turn me on.