I have a residual loyalty to Sue Johanson. Long ago and far away our high school sex ed talks were usually done by Sue Johanson. Now known as the grand motherly sex educator, in the late 70’s she ran a birth control clinic at a school down the road from ours. Though a lot younger then, her calm and cool and enthusiastic bemusement with all things sexual seems to have remained consistent.

When I recently (yes, I’m new to all this) started mulling about toys, naturally I checked Sue’s recommendations. The Canadian We-Vibe seemed a no-brainer, and I thought the Fun Factory smart balls seemed a good bet to make my wife’s kegels practice more amusing. Sue thoroughly recommended the Smart Balls... and then I discovered she had her own line of sex toys with California Exotic Novelties.. .with her own brand of conjoined vaginal ‘workout’ balls.

The Royal Balls package (with a cartoon version of Sue in the corner) proclaimed Silicone, and I assumed this must mean the same type of medical-grade silicone as used in the We-Vibe, and by other intelligent sex toy companies such as Fun Factory, Tantus, Vixen, Jollies and Happy Valley (I’m sure I’m overlooking others). I hadn’t yet stumbled across Eden Fantasys, and missed out the stunning and invaluable consumer information available here. If I had, I would have immediately noticed that Sue Johanson’s Royal Balls are actually made of TPR Silicone - a silicone & rubber compound - and only get a 6 on Eden’s material safety rating. (The FF Smart Balls rate the same for safety as the Royal Balls, and are made of a Thermo Plastic Elastomer.) Though free of phthalates, I am a little surprised about the marketing of ‘Silicone’, and because of EF am now a better shopper.

That said, the Royal Balls were purchased, and presented amid some giggles and memories. Available in two citrus colours, that is really what they appear to be; in our case the yellow looked like a pair of conjoined and aggressively zested lemons, given the way the spiral pattern worked across the surfaces. Internally each lemon has a weighted metal ball, which you can feel (though not hear) moving about. They definitely feel more like rubber than silicone, and reminded my wife of a dog’s chew toy, and in fact has readied that explanation for the kids when she has accidentally left them in the bathroom. Completely plausible and I think would work without an eyebrow being raised in the least.

The recovery string is black, and is molded into the TPR.

As to the performance of the Royal Balls, I am using my reporting skills rather than first hand experience, for forgiveable reasons.

My wife found them easy to insert, being neither uncomfortable at 1 5/8” across, and the length of 4” also was agreeable. She could feel them while doing her pelvic floor exercises, and after a few uses overcame the feeling that they were going to come flying out (they never did). Keeping them tucked inside her pooch and doing some domestic chores like laundry and fixing dinner was successful, if uneventful. And she says that she had no discomfort, though could feel them at times bending. No vibration due to the weighted internal roller balls was felt while moving, which I found strange, as you can definitely feel the weight shift as they move in your hand.

After about a two week period of use for maybe a half-hour or hour a day, my wife reported some irritation with the balls, and didn’t know why. Cleaned before and after use, and never seeing silicone lube, we were puzzled. She wondered if it might be the string. That was the first I had noticed the black string was cast into the Royal Balls, and couldn’t be removed and replaced.

The Royal Balls were laid aside for a few days, and stored in a clean freezer bag, and then tucked into an overnight bag, where the joint between the two lemons was bent a bit. When they were next pulled out, the point of contact where the joint was compressed had, er, dissolved or disintegrated. It did not fuse together, but instead has left a V shaped divot, which I find puzzling, and has resulted in a ban from further use.

Disappointing to say the least. Mildly worrying as well.

Because of our experience, which is just one - and even with the loyalty factor, I would have to say that this is a middling product at best, though one with the attraction of a good price for a short-term, beginner exercise toy. And it is relatively safe, though now I have a bit of concern about that, given the mystery ‘fusing’ we experienced.

There are certainly more worrisome products out there. As for replacements for our Royal Balls, we will be looking further up the Eden price and safety scale.