If you’ve read a few of my other reviews, you may have noticed that my nipples and I have a very complicated relationship with one another. In the last year or so, my pink boobie-buttons and I have gone on a journey of discovery together, after a lifetime of no sensation there. So, that being said, I’ve tried to utilize my nips to their fullest potential; part of that, for me, means trying to keep them hard as much as possible. Why, you ask? Well, because I think they’re just plain prettier that way. And any product boasting its ability to perma-harden my newfound little friends is probably guaranteed to sucker me in as a consumer.

That brings us to the review at hand: Erect Nipple Gel|Erect Nipple Gel - Gel by California Exotic by California Exotic. Whilst shopping, I had perused the nipple hardening section of my local naughty store and had decided I felt the mechanics behind these so-called tightening products was sound and reasonable (tingling/stimulating compounds that supposedly increase blood flow and sensitivity in the nipples). Finally, I broke down and bought the above product, in the hopes that it would keep my rosy desire buds sensitive, hard and sexy for a somewhat prolonged period of time.

When I got the gel home and out of its package, however, I was soon disappointed. When I took off the cap and smelled the product, it reminded me of Listerine; minty, yet with a faint bouquet of institutional sterility. Not one to be deterred by the scent, however, I anxiously applied the gel liberally as directed, and hoped for the best. All I was rewarded with was a slight tingling, and no hardening effects that lasted beyond my nipples’ reaction to being touched by my fingers coated in cool gel. In fact, I think I would have had just about the same effects had I rubbed my nipples with a menthol cigarette.

Needless to say, I was disappointed. I tried for a silver lining though. I tasted some of the gel, thinking that, perhaps, it might work as a nipple-flavoring agent. That’s a negative. It tasted bitter and reminded me of the stuff my mom used to put on my fingernails to keep me from biting them as a child. Also, after the product ‘dried’, it was sticky and gummy, and would have really grossed-up a bra had I put my gel-christened nips into one.

So, in summation…

I give the Erect Nipple Gel by California Exotic no stars, because not only did it not work and disappoint me, but I actually had to spend gas money to drive it back to the store and return it. So for anyone considering this product, I’d recommend using a few ice cubes and saving your money.