Dear Booster,

When we first met, I really thought we could be great together. Your ad made it sound like you'd work great for anyone, and at first glance, I agreed. After all, you came from Fun Factory in their lovely windowed red and tan packaging, complete with a lube sample and a lovely brag book of other Fun Factory toys. Your 6" green plush silicone body was smooth, with curves and ripples in all the right places. Sure, your base was a little wider and rounder, but I kind of like that in a toy. Your black plastic base with green silicone swirls was not only sexy, but functional as it holds the 4 AAA batteries that make you purr for me. And let's just say what we both know - your face is adorable with that charming smile, but a pretty face just isn't everything.

Sure, I've had toys that vibrated before. Lots of them. And with each push of your plus button, you'd do a new trick to make me happy - you vibrate slow, medium, high, you make slow wavy patterns, high wavy patterns, you pulse fast, and you have a minus button to go backwards or turn off. And I can't lie - no toy has ever offered me a booster button before, for that little bit of added oomph whenever I need it. All of these things would be great if they would just work better. I know you mean well, but when it takes so much energy, strength, and breaks my nails just to get a reaction out of you, do you really think I'm still in the mood to play?

And while we're talking about your vibrations, I have to ask... why on earth is your oh-so-powerful motor so low? Sure, when I push you all the way in I can feel you rumble in the sensitive flesh of my lips, but that soft curvy neck of yours just destroys any chance of me feeling anything in my g-spot. Your neck actually bends back like you don't want to be near it! How is that supposed to make a girl feel? And I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt as a clit vibe, but you're so long and you vibrate so low that it just won't ever work between us.

I know that before we ever met, I acknowledged you had a little baggage, and I was ok with it. I could live with only using water based lube on you because you could be hurt with silicone. I was willing to deal with the fact that you weren't waterproof, that because of your base and motor you couldn't be truly sanitized, and that you weren't and would never be an anal toy. In exchange, you were incredibly body safe, non-porous, phthalate and latex free, could be wiped down with a bleach solution and were relatively easy store as long as I kept you away from lint and dust. But that ruckus you make every time I try and play with you? Look, it's not that I'm ashamed of you but not everyone in my building needs to know what we're up to, either! And I know you don't want to hear this, but you just weren't up for playing with others. Every time we brought someone else into the bedroom you'd just get in the way.

I hate to do this, Booster, but I just don't have a choice. I know there are better toys out there for me and I can't spend any more of my time trying to push your buttons and find ways to make us work better. I'd love to say that there are better vaginas out there for you too, but in all honesty I'm just not sure there are. You look great on paper but when it comes down to it, you just have too many of your own issues.

Sorry, Booster....just remember - it's not me, it's you.

XOXO,
Tori