I’ve got to start by saying that my first impressions of the Vibrating Emperor|Vibrating emperor - Realistic vibrator were less than great.  When I ordered it, I opted for the brown guy.  My monitor gave him a warm brown hue that turned me on.  When he arrived though, I found him to be more purplish-taupe; like a lipstick color I might pick out.

Strike one.

Strikes two and three were almost simultaneous: upon opening the clear packaging I was overwhelmed by that manufactured rubber smell that everyone hates, and as I took the dong out of the package, I discovered it was covered with a sticky film that made my hands feel tacky and smell like rubber.  Washing it (and my hands) did not help either issue.  It picked up dust faster than a Swiffer.

These three attributes really didn’t get things off to a good start—I didn’t want to put this already dirt-covered wand in my pussy, and I couldn’t imagine how bad it would taste in my mouth.

There were also, however, three majorly redeeming attributes: it is heavy; it is my absolute ideal size; and it moves and bends just like a real cock.

One of the things that really drew me to the Vibrating Emperor was its suction cup base.  I’d never tried a toy that had one, but really liked the idea of slapping it on the shower wall and going to town.

So, for my first trick, I rolled on a condom and some silicone based lube.  Using the built in vibrator, I tickled my clit while I squatted on the floor.  The vibrations were quiet and enough to be exciting, but nothing to write home about.  After a few minutes of teasing I headed to the shower as planned, but since this guy isn’t water-proof, I decided it would have to be a dry shower.

No matter where I positioned the dong I just couldn’t find a comfortable angle.  I finally found (after several minutes of frustrating and uncomfortable attempts) that low on the shower wall while I bent way over was comfortable and stimulated my g-spot.

Once inside me though, the mediocre vibrations of yore were insignificant.  Also, the wire between the dong and the remote is just short enough to be annoying when you’re moving around.  My dry-shower orgasm ended up being about as exciting as it sounds.  Actually, I was kind of glad to be done.  The worst part of this experience was that even though it was sheathed in a condom, my crotch smelled like rubber for the rest of the day.  So much for this being a foreplay toy.

Later, not to be discouraged, I decided to pretend there was no suction cup and try again.  I actually really enjoyed the Vibrating Emperor this time because I could slip my fingers between the base and the balls for a good grip.  The cock isn’t too long, so I could insert it all the way and let the balls smack against me too.  Again, I found the vibrator to be useless internally, but it makes for a good dong.

If I had an exercise ball I’d like to stick this on top and go for a ride, so maybe I’ll invest in one and give it a whirl.

14 months after having originally reviewed the Vibrating Emperor, I feel that a follow-up is long over due. Unfortunately, I have no positive observations to add, but a few negative.

Foremost: over a year after removing this realistic vibe from its package it still has an odor that makes it nearly impossible to enjoy playing with. I’ve never before encountered a toy that stunk so much and for so long. It has also retained a tacky feeling. Neither the stickiness nor the odor has dissipated in the least after a year of use, including washings with soap and water and even scrubbing with alcohol.

Another note about washing, that I failed to mention in my additional review, is that in their realism the balls on this dong are rugged and therefore extremely difficult to clean. If lube gets down in the cracks, you practically have to use a toothbrush to clean it out. I want my toys to stay clean, and for me, that’s just way too much maintenance.

I noticed today for the first time that sadly, some of the “skin” is peeling off of this big guy’s head. I’m not impressed considering that I’ve played with this toy only a handful of times (due to the smell), and I store all of my toys very well.

Since I felt that I had nothing left to lose, I decided to pursue the curiosity of one consumer reviewer who wondered if he could take the suction cup off to remove the bullet, thus making the toy actually water-safe. Well, I was successful in pulling the suction cup out. Unfortunately, removing the bullet was a little more challenging and I ended up breaking the wire in the process. I’m not overly heartbroken as I’ve never been impressed with the vibration of this dong anyway. I was able to stuff the suction cup back in though and am now left with a functional suction cup dong that can be actually used in the shower. I won’t use it though, because it smells so bad, and touching it at all makes my hands smell just as awful.

It’s all very disappointing because the design of this cock is great, but based on all of the down sides, I just can’t recommend it.