You have to give credit where credit is due. With all the vibrators and dildos that are now on the market, they’ve really helped to fill the void of an actual penis, and some have gone above and beyond the real thing. But what’s the one thing they can’t do? Think about it; with all the lifelike textures, all the pumping and thrusting actions, what’s the one thing they really seem to lack? The ability to ejaculate.

Let me start off by saying that this is a big vibrator. You really have to be a size queen in order to appreciate this. Unfortunately, I’m not. I like to stay around six inch lengths and four and a half inch circumferences; the Eros Ejaculator measures in at a whopping eight inches long with a five and a half inch circumference. That’s a HUGE dick! In text, it might not read big, but when you’re actually holding this in your hands contemplating on whether or not you’ll be able to slide it inside of you, it will make you physically tremble with apprehension.

The vibe is another creation from Lady Calston, the makers of the Tongue|The tongue vibrator by Lady Calston. Unfortunately, a lot of the complaints about Lady Cal products are that they’re unnecessarily large and loud. This vibrator was both. The motor on this bad boy was audible to my husband who was downstairs when I was upstairs in the bedroom. All hopes of being discreet went out the window as soon as I turned this on. It was so loud I expected some serious vibrations, but what I felt was lackluster. The shaft barely wiggled, it promised six distinct vibration settings, but I couldn’t really discern one from the other.

A big downside to the Eros Ejaculator is that it’s a hard plastic vibrator with a highly textured PVC sleeve. The hard raised veins coupled with the size of this vibrator made insertion uncomfortable. Looking at the pretty hot pink sleeve, it seems thick enough, but it didn’t have enough padding, and I could feel the hard plastic vibrator through it.

I’m going to touch on the most important feature, the ability for this vibrator to ejaculate. Don’t hold your breath. The first time I pressed the climax button, I didn’t feel anything and couldn’t tell if anything had happened. I was a little confused as to why it didn’t seem to be working so I pulled the vibrator out and walked into my bathroom. I suctioned more water into it and hit the “climax” button right into the sink. It barely squirted. When I think of ejaculation, I think of a hot virile guy shooting a load, and what this vibrator did was, well, nothing like that at all. It let out a limp, lame, thin stream of water that lasted maybe three seconds.

Unfortunately, this product was nothing more than big hype. I was excited to try this too because I’ve never had a toy that could ejaculate before, but the end result was just sad.

Ugh. I was told recently that I'm a very positive and bubbly person, that when there are lemons I can easily make lemonade. But how do you turn the Eros Ejaculator into lemonade? Well ... in my case, you don't. It's easy for me to dislike this; from it's bulky size to it's almost greasy and plasticy feeling sleeve, it has been a toy that I've tried at all costs to avoid. But what kind of reviewer would I be if I never tried it again? A smart one probably! I brought it back out the other day intending to give it another go. I was so turned on and thought that a big, beefy vibrator would satisfy my hunger. Unfortunately, this vibrator didn't satisfy me- it annoyed me and it hurt me! It was painful to insert, the size of it coupled with the textured sleeve made penetration an impossibility. To make matters worse it was so loud I could hear it over the DVD I had put in, I had to literally turn the TV up as loud as it could go to drown the whirring of the vibrator's motor out. It killed my sexual high, if I had a dick it would have gone instantly limp from trying to use this. There is no positive spin to put on this toy. When you're handed lemons just accept that you won't be making any lemonade and go out and grab yourself a glass of sweet tea instead!