Fun Factory has to be my second favorite sex toy company of all time, which makes it really difficult to write this review. Even the best companies have their duds, but I am sitting here truly struggling to find anything positive to say about this toy besides it looking pretty and being non-porous. Most toys are at their worst poorly made or ineffective, but it's been a rare case that a dildo has actually hurt me in use. Sadly though I must report that using this dildo was downright painful each and every time I tried it. It was in fact so uncomfortable that being pried open with ducklips at the gynecologist's seems like a more sensual prospect to me. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Let's start with the basics. Fun Factory's Curve is one honkin' big toy - a dense chunk of 100% silicone that weighs in at about a pound. From top to bottom it is just shy of 8.5" and at its widest point at the lip of its head, the Curve is a hair over 1.75" in diameter according to my measurements. All of these stats combined with its severely sloping S-shape make this toy inaccessible to many right off the bat; it's big, it's bad and absolutely relentless once inserted. Before ordering this toy I had considered the possibility that this baby's size and well, curve might be too much for me. Of course, a fanatical disciple of the Fun Delight which is smaller but very similar in shape, I figured at the least I wouldn't hate it.

Well. I was very, very mistaken in that assumption.

The biggest issue I had was with the insertable end of this toy; for the life of me I cannot understand what is going on here. Its shape is slightly phallic, with a large and pronounced lip of very firm silicone protruding on the underside of the head. It sexily exaggerates the corona or "crown" of the penis, sculpting its peak a full half inch above the shaft. Since the corona is a large part of what accounts for the oft-sought "pop!" sensation one experiences when the penis is first inserted, this large ridge isn't necessarily a problem in and of itself. Many other dildos have made their name with their beefy heads.

Curve's problem is that it's already huge, very sharply curved and - this is the deal breaker - made of very dense silicone. All of these factors combined makes this little ridge an absolute nightmare for many, myself included. Inserting this into my vagina was light years away from scrumptiously popping, it was more like trying to jam a square peg in a round hole. Although I warmed up each time with smaller dildos and used plenty of lube I had to bite my lip and mumble a few zen mantras just to get this in me. After that? The extreme curve of this thing had it plowing mercilessly into the upper wall of my vagina behind my pubic bone and NOT in the yummy, juicy squirt-producing way. This was more like I-can-feel-this-in-my-spleen kind of pressure and it just plain hurt. Between the size, the curve and that obnoxious corona this thing was literally impossible to thrust with; it was all I could handle just to gently rock this ever so slightly back and forth.

This was obviously not very pleasant, and on three separate attempts I was eventually forced to give up and use something else to cum with. Not once have I been able to have an orgasm with this inside of me because the pain is just too distracting. Even rubbing my clit simultaneously in all the ways that drive me crazy, I still couldn't get my mind off the sneaking suspicion I had that this toy was slowly rendering me infertile by bulldozing its way through my reproductive system. OUCH. In order to remove this I had to kind of psyche myself up the way you do when you're about the jump in cold water, counting to three in my head, promising I would pull it out on three.

I do not think this toy is totally horrible. If you are a glutton for size, stretching and INTENSE pressure you will probably love this thing. The handle on it makes it easy to grip so it's safe for anal play if you are brave enough to attempt it. My only issue with the handle is that it's significantly thinner than the rest of the toy and therefore more wiggly and flimsy. With Fun Factory's Delight you can sort of tug the handle up and the head of the toy will plunge downward, and by rocking it up and down you can get a nice little massage for your P/G spot going. Or in my case, by tugging the handle up you could theoretically lessen the pressure on that spot. Unfortunately this is hard to do because the handle is not nearly firm enough, although the little hole for a thumb to slide into makes thrusting (again, if you're brave enough) very easy.

The silicone material Curve is made from also makes this easy to clean - wipe down with a 10% bleach solution or boil for 3-4 minutes to sanitize this dildo if you are sharing it with a non-fluid bonded partner or going from anal to vagina. For daily cleaning you can simple lather thoroughly with antibacterial soap and warm water, rinsing completely when done. The raised swirls on the surface can be a pain to clean fluids out of so pay extra attention to this. Otherwise this thing is a breeze to care for, just remember not to use any silicone base lubricant with it because silicone and silicone based lubes do not mix well! Store in a plastic bag or toy pouch to prevent it from picking up dirt and lint in storage, and do not store this openly with soft materials like TPR/TPE, rubber, jelly or any other non-silicone soft material because these can be warped, melted or otherwise compromised when they interact with 100% silicone.

So while maybe there is a crowd of extreme sensation lovers for whom this toy is a kind of holy grail of dildos, I'll likely be giving this away to someone that will make better use of it. It looks beautiful and I've wanted it for so long but unfortunately this is the kind of toy that is just way better in theory than it is in reality. The Delight is much, much more practical revision of this guy, so I'll stick with that.

Last week I had my annual gynecological check-up, and while staring at the ceiling trying not to think of how painful all that cervix-poking was, I remembered this review's title. It made me smile and provided some much needed levity for the moment. The Curve is maybe not quite as bad as a pap smear, but it's really damn close for me. I've tried to use it a few times since my review with the same painful results each time.

The matte texture creates too much drag, which makes inserting this very large and very shapely toy even more difficult. The head of this toy is positively excruciating for thrusting, and tremendously difficult to insert in the first place. I've since given it to a friend that likes cervical stimulation, and she's really enjoyed it. I'm not saying this kind of dildo doesn't have an audience, I'm just saying that audience is NOT me.