Dear David Anthony,

I just received the dildo today. How thoughtful! It’ll be a terrific reminder of our fantastic lovemaking, to recall the beautiful curve of your lovestick and how, when you’d slide it in, it would feel like you’d just driven a truck into my ‘giney.

The box says it was molded from you and it certainly looks like your juicy beast but I don’t remember you having a uniball? I would’ve noticed had your cock smelled like this one, though. You know that expression “so ugly you’ve got to bag it to fuck it”? Well this badboy needs to be bagged afterward to prevent your house from being overtaken by a cloyingly fake-sweet smell like Twinkies mixed with molten flip-flops.

But if you haven’t seen the finished product, it’s mantastic: realistic coloration, bulging veins and enormous chiseled mushroomy head, the words DOC JOHNSON grooved into your balls. Its sexy severe curve makes for a fun game, deciding whether to take it right-side-up or flip it the other way for a different sensation. Of course it hits my g-spot either way: managing to miss would be like driving a monster truck into a small parking spot and trying to miss a shopping cart parked within. Its not only curved like yours, it even--well you always hated the word ‘lopsided’--lilts to the right like yours, and an interesting shape makes for an interesting fuck.

The suction cup is a little piece of wonder all on its own. (I presume you never had a suction cup but for all I know you do, maybe your wiener was always suction-cupped to your person and I just never noticed...I think whenever you came at me with that thing I closed my eyes and held my breath, waiting for a ripping sound to emanate from my vag.) How does it adhere its massive meat-weight to the wall and endure the stress of me wiggling around on it? Of course, putting it on the wall and trying to hump it is nearly impossible because there’s no way to spread one’s legs open far enough to fit that, then to keep balance while fucking it on the wall, but the suction is great for keeping it stuck to a counter or chair for mounting it...really gotta climb on that thing rather than trying to slide it in frontways unless your hole can easily fit a few large eggs. (Note: writer in no way endorses scrambling eggs in your hole.) Suction-cup dildos are great for doggy-style but no way I could get that thing to fit in me, in that position.

Remember that year we went to my Aunt Edna’s for Thanksgiving and she made a 22-pound turkey, and you ate so much that you sat around clutching your midsection and saying how full you felt? Making love to you was like sitting on that turkey. Now those people that like everything supersized can even have supersized sex. “The extra-super-massive piece of meat for ten cents more, please!” It’s like a workout for the hole...but I don't always WANT to feel the stretch, feel the burn.