Dear Squirmy Rooter,

I apologize for putting you in that hot bath when I first took you out of the package. You smelled like hot plastic candy and though the smell was sweet and delicious, it was too strong. I’m sure you don’t like condoms so I apologize for then wrapping you in one but it was pretty clear that my pussy smelling like plastic candy - though perhaps appealing - would probably not be good for it. And I try to keep my pussy happy, which is why I picked you out of the catalog in the first place.

When I turned your crank and watched the way you wriggled, I’d wished I’d worn panties… THIGH CLEANUP ON AISLE FIVE, PLEASE! You’re a sexy number even though you’re the size of a pony. I hope you enjoyed that severe hand job; I didn’t have any Magnums and I was trying to get the condom to cover you. Clearly, that was not to be; I apologize if I insulted your girth and length by even attempting. It was amazing that you could get in there and knock on my spleen, and still have so much undevoured length hanging out of my pussy.

WOW. The way it feels when I turn your thick wire crank and your curve slides against my walls… you make me cook up a pussy stew. I can’t remember when I’ve had such orgasms, dizzy afterwards and all… you’re truly a Cock in a Million. Then I pulled you out and my juices sloshed out… that bit of carpet is going to need some steam cleaning, of course. It’s a good thing we’re staying in because after all the noise I made, I’d be a little embarrassed to face the neighbors… YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, I WAS IN THERE ALONE, WHAT’S IT TO YOU? You WISH you had a Squirmy Rooter but there you are, thinking your vibrator’s cool shit. Go old school man, get yourself a hand crank. Oh, and a steam cleaner.

Seriously, wow. Can I buy you a drink or something? I don’t even know how to repay you for that orgasm… I guess you’d look good with a tennis bracelet, but you’re a cock, that would seem a little emasculating. I’m a little gutted but I’ll get over it, whatever organs were in your way, they’ll grow back or whatever, maybe my spleen WANTED to be pushed up to my armpit. For now I’ll just stick you back in me and… ooooohhhhh.

--With love from your new hole.

I still think this toy is absolutely fabulous and on my list of "deserted island must-haves" (and hey, who's gonna' have batteries on a deserted island?) but after nine months, it still smells like a cross between bubble gum and shower curtains...pleasant, but completely overpowering. After giving up on tricks to take away the smell, I keep it stored in a Ziploc (a massive one...big toy!). So I still say buy it because it's worth it...just get yourself a box of Ziplocs at the same time!