I have no idea why Hans Hardwood gives their dildos such boring names. #278? Really? That's it? You poor thing. I shall, from here on out, call you Captain Hook. Much more fitting. *insert supportive pat pat patting of the dildo here*

Ahem.

Ok. So. Captain Hook. (Or, you know, #278 - which isn't nearly as sexy as Seven of Nine. Or Captain Hook.) Captain Hook is an amazing dildo. I can't say that enough, will probably repeat it at least seven times. It's fucking amazing.

I tried a Hans Hardwood dildo once before and wasn't uber impressed but this one changed my mind, made me a believer, a lover, a solid, 100% supporter, fan, maybe even a fanatic.

Hardwood Dildos (by Hans) is a small, artisan owned business. According to their site, each of their dildos "are handcrafted from exotic woods, sanded to perfection, and finished with a food-grade varnish." According to EdenFantasys site specs, this particular dildo (the Captain Hook - or #278) is 9" long with a max diameter of 1 3/8" though, because each piece is hand made, specs can vary a bit from item to item. Not by a lot, but they can vary.

It's classified as a double ended dildo but is not really intended for dual usage. Like the Ella, Isis or Pure Wand, it simply has two usable ends. The smaller end, with a diameter of approximately 1 1/4", is fairly straight and, while it feels just fine inserted, works best as a handle. The larger end, which is where this toy really, really shines, is quite extremely hooked with a diameter of 1 3/8" that ends in a nice, bulged yet not ridged or lipped tip. No ridges or lip means no catching on the pubic bone, which is phenomenal as far as I'm concerned. The bulged, ball-like tip means plenty of surface area for g-spot stimulation. The extreme hook means... well... ahem... when I'm done using it I'm tempted to start looking around and yelling "Land Ho!" It's an exquisite g-spot curve and if you're a squirter, this thing will leave you in quite a puddle.

The wood is smooth, insanely smooth and slick with no texture at all. It's nearly as smooth - and definitely as firm - as glass, metal or ceramic and creates very little friction and needs very little lube. If you do need lube, Hans recommends oil or water based - though I've used silicone with no issues at all. The finish is called "salad bowl" finish and, between it and the extra care taken with sanding, you have no worries about splinters. You can also be sure it's fairly non porous, with a safety rating of 9. Use care, though. Don't soak it in water for a week or use abrasive cleaners, you know? Just give it a fast wash with anti bacterial soap or a mild bleach solution and you'll be fine.

Anyhow. Back to the awesomeness that is the Captain Hook. (Er... #278) I have a weakness for firm toys; glass, wood, metal, ceramic, they all turn my crank, especially when it comes to g-spot play. I'm the sort who has g-spot orgasms easily and I do squirt, but mainly from PIV sex. When masturbating, it's harder. Toys like this make it so easy it's insane. I've taken to really only using the larger, hooked end and, when I do, I slip the Liberator Wedge under my hips, slide the dildo in and don't even have to really thrust. Rocking and wiggling it just enough to massage my g-spot works just fine, meaning I don't have to go crazy trying to thrust and wear my arm out. It's "insert, home in on g-spot, rock, rub, arch, moan, squirt."

It's that good. That easy. I actually prefer it to the Pure Wand because it has the same sort of "g-spot magnet" effect for me but is much, much lighter. In fact, it weighs less than 4 ounces.

I know! NO arm fatigue!

If you've been looking at wood and find them a bit pricey, Hardwood dildos are the way to go. They're less costly than some other brands and, once you settle on the one that is right for you, they're amazingly effective.

And how neat is it to have a piece of nature to jill off with?

Just a quick heads up so I don't get slaughtered by the safety police - this dildo is not suited for anal use as it has no flared base and, since finishes can wear down, I'd suggest using a condom if sharing. Also remember that firm materials can bruise tender flesh so vigorous thrusting should be done cautiously!

You can read more about Hans and his Hardwood dildos here He's really quite amazing - even uses scrap wood to create the dildos, meaning almost zero impact on the environment.

People who are nervous about wood toys, take heart. Even after well over a year of having this -- and a few others -- I have experienced no wear in the coating, no rough spots, no weirdness from cleaning, no splinters, no problems at all. In fact, this remains one of the most treasured toys in my collection.

The hook is AMAZING.