So I’ve always wanted a leather bondage hood|Leather hood with zip eyes and mouth. Not for any particularly sexual reason – well, not directly, anyway.

You see, it all comes back to the Fett-ish. The Boba Fetish, that is. I’m a Star Wars kid. And if there’s one thing I’ve wanted since 1980, it’s a Boba Fett helmet.

Well, and maybe a working Carbon-Freezing Chamber. And maybe Dita Von Teese, while I’m at it. And steak. Lots and lots of steak.

But the Boba Fett helmet has always been first in my heart. And no one’s ever bought one for me. So I had to settle for the next best thing. A zipper-holed leather bondage hood.

I’m still not sure why I asked for it. I mean, it’s totally cool and what not. It was just one of those amorphous fascinations, the kind that have no root in either fantasy or reality. You know, like eating bugs. You’re sort of curious – but only in the most abstract sense. I guess what it comes down to is that fantasy is the mother of non-sequiturism. And I’m a big fan of random what-the-fuckness as a necessary if not nutritive part of my daily diet of fuck.

Which leads to the next ennui-laden question: how does one go about reviewing a leather bondage hood? By telling you how many people I 'bondaged' with it? Nah. I could tell you about how much I’d like to have it custom-painted to look like Boba Fett’s helmet. But that’s probably better reserved for my most private moments, right?

So let’s just break this bondage accoutrement down into its requisite qualifiers. After all, if you’re in the market for a leather bondage hood, all you really need to know are the essentials, which I shall now provide, with a heaping helping of non-essentials:

COMFORT. It’s snug. Not quite as snug as a starfish clinging to the face of a cartoon character, but once laced-up, there’s not a whole lot of nose-wiggle room in it. Although, considering that this is a BONDAGE hood, I’m thinking that’s probably a good thing, right? That said, it’s not so snug that you’d require head-lube. Oh – and beard-wearers, please take great caution when it comes to the zippers.

QUALITY OF BREATHING. If you’re reasonably healthy, you shouldn’t have any problems. However, it’s probably not for everybody, including:

- the severely claustrophobic

- the asthmatic

- those poised at the starting line of the Boston marathon

- also, do not wear during allergy season if you are an allergy-sufferer with no Claritin and no health insurance. Because EdenFantasys will not take back any snotted-up hoods.

DURABILITY. It seems to be fairly sturdy. Through the course of testing, it has thus far stood up admirably to the following activities:

- groveling

- kneeling

- begging

- coitus

- ass-coitus

- omelet-making

ADJUSTABILITY. It’s quite amenable to most sizes of skull. Unless of course you’re the Elephant Man, it should fit just fine. The back of the hood is lace-up, and as long as your partner isn’t looking to squeeze your head like a grape, you should be a happy slave. Unless of course that’s your fetish.

APPEARANCE. Depending on the severity of your kink, the sight of your beloved/bethralled/bewhipped whilst under the spell of the hood will be:

- a lot like Lizard-Man from Flash Gordon

- reminiscent of Dario Argento’s Faceless

- leathery, kind of like someone who’s spent too many years on the beach

SEXAYNESS. Well, this is the make-or-break category. So let’s break it down:

You will find it Sexay:

- if you are deeply fascinated with all things leather

- if you have a really ugly slave

- you ARE a really ugly slave

- you have or are a really ugly slave in the witness relocation program

- you've recently "gone on safari" and come back with a few new scars

- you don't want your ex to recognize you when you run into the Quickemart for a quart of milk and some condoms

- if you want to look sharp for knocking over any convenience stores

- if you want to custom-paint it so it looks like Boba Fett or Klytus

- if you are trying to get a classified job at Guantanamo Bay

You will find it Not Sexay:

- if you have recurring nightmares about faceless people breaking into your home and stealing your milk and cookies

- if you are allergic to leather

- if you find zippers distasteful

- if your slave is safewording out as you read this