Yeah, this is a review written in first person singular from the perspective of a pair of wrist cuffs with a bad attitude, what of it? Don't try to box me in with your labels, man! I'm not just a pair of wrist cuffs. I'm big enough to be used as an ankle restraint too!

Those of you unfamiliar with bondage products might wonder "what do you mean, locking?" It means that I redefine your entire image of how a buckle works, Square! You know that metal part that pokes through the notch on a buckle, some people call it a prong? Well mine has a friggin' loop on it! You can put a tiny padlock through the prong, which will keep the wearer from taking it off. And now you're wondering, "why would I want to do that?" Well, dear reader, I'm not even going to dignify that question with psychobabble about why adding additional layers of security to a restraint is sexy even though all the wearer has to do to get free is call out a safe word. Instead, I'm going to type bad advice at you in all caps: BECAUSE YOU CAN'T USE A SAFE WORD WITH A BALL GAG IN YOUR MOUTH, AND SOME OF US HAPPEN TO BE DATING ESCAPE ARTISTS.

You might be wondering if I'm best suited for beginners or advanced players. Gee, let me think: I'm inexpensive, durable, comfortable, and I'm easy to use. I'm well suited for the rigors of heavy bondage, while still being fun and and comfortable enough for light play. I guess that makes me perfect for everyone interested in bondage of any kind. I can do just about anything but find a willing partner who knows how you get you off. Oh wait, I look awesome as a fashion accessory too. I guess I can find you a willing partner.

You're welcome.

You might look at me and think, "Gee, for that price, it must be poor quality leather." Wrong again, Square! That's just corporate America telling you that poor people can't have nice things. Which is probably true, but you've got sex-toy money, so you're not as poor as you think. If you can afford me, you can afford a nice thing. Congratulations, you've made it. Your mom and I are proud of you.

What makes me so nice? I'm made of soft, semi-pliable leather that feels so good you'll want your girlfriend to make gloves out of me and give you a handjob (but there's probably not enough leather on me to do that, and you, dear reader, might not have a penis or a girlfriend). Does this soft texture comfort make me weak? Was Aries weak for knowing how to touch Aphrodite tenderly? No! I can take almost any punishment you can dish out.

Lets not forget about my hardware. My D-rings and O-rings are about 3/16" thick. If 3/16" doesn't sound like a lot to you... well you're wrong. For a D-ring, 3/16" is more than enough girth to keep you from bending or breaking the hardware. Furthermore, the rings are secured to the leather with a series of studs, and if those aren't sufficient to hold me together, they're certainly enough to keep the sissy reviewer I was sent to from pulling me apart.

Sure, I've got some flaws. I could be a bit larger to accommodate larger wrists and ankles. The product page says I fit wrists or ankles up to a 7 1/2" circumference, but my reviewer measured, and I think I can probable handle up to an 8" circumference. If I was any bigger, there would be virtually no reason to buy any other wrist or ankle cuffs. So to all you ankle and wrist cuff manufacturers: You're welcome.

My reviewer used me with a set of Sportsheets tethers. I'm not here to make those tethers feel bad, but suffice to say, the hardware on those babies would give out a long time before I would. Oh, and his vanilla, "How many sex toys do you need?" asking girlfriend was super excited when she woke up to see me wrapped around her wrists. That Guy was all, "I dunno if this is a good idea, man. Maybe we should wait until she wakes up." But I was all like "Shut up, she's gonna love me." And she did. I don't chafe, I'm easy to put on, and I'm durable: what's not to like? She even said I was "super-cute," which, as bondage accessory, I have mixed feelings about. Regardless, she loves how I look and how I feel, as does That Guy, so everybody is happy.

If I can just step back for a moment and criticize That Guy's performance, which I don't want reflecting poorly on me: the Sportsheets tethers may not be the best accessory for me. They work fine for restraining each wrist or ankle individually, but only one of my rings will fit into each snap at a time, and I'm worried that the snaps on the tethers might break. My O-rings are big enough to use with rope and many other tethering devices that might have sturdier hardware and allow for more versatility. That Guy really needs to learn how to think outside the box.