Marketed and sold as a unisex anal probe, you'll often see Aneros' Tempo described as a 'work of art'. That's no exaggeration - for a sex toy (and I use the term broadly since this is more of a sculpture than a toy) this really is impressive. So impressive that if it weren't for the way this feels then you could be forgiven for wanting to spend more time looking at the thing than actually using it.

This is my first steel toy and won't be my last. Not only does it work with any body-safe lube you care to throw at it, it couldn't be easier to clean with hot, soapy water. There are no sharp edges or grooves on the Tempo either, so thorough cleaning is quick and easy. Steel isn't a material I ever thought I'd be interested in, and to be honest if the Tempo had been silicone I'd have pounced on that and ignored steel altogether. That would have been my loss though. Of course we all know stainless steel thanks to everyday items but for a sex toy? Well let me just say that if you've never tried it, you don't know what you're missing! Steel can be cooled (fridge or cold water) or warmed either with warm water or holding it close, and no matter how hot or cold it is at first it always ends up coming back to your body temperature. In fact one of the things that's surprised me about using the Tempo is just how hot it feels when I remove it, despite usually cooling it first. Turns out my wife was right when she told me I had a 'hot ass' ;)


It's not the size, it's what you do with it. It's small and I stuck it up my bum

The idea behind the Tempo is that it's a massager rather than a P-spot toy. It's important to make that distinction here. Most Aneros products are aimed at men and their prostates, whereas the Tempo is listed as being unisex and not something that men should necessarily be aiming at their prostates anyway. The Aneros website has this to say about what the Tempo actually is:

In the tradition of our acclaimed Peridise massagers, strategically placed knobs utilize the natural rhythms of the inner and outer sphincters. Once inserted, both sphincters spontaneously contract causing this stainless steel beauty to quiver. With a little practice, the Tempo will provide amazingly powerful performances. Use it by yourself or with a partner, both men and women will love exploring with the Tempo.

Due to the size and nature of the Tempo, it can be used by both beginners and those who are more seasoned in anal play and exploration. Whether you'll get as much out of it as the next person is subjective, but it's certainly something that can - in theory - be used by all as a tool to stimulate the first few inches of the anal passage. Think of it as kegels for your butt and you'll have a good idea of what you're supposed to expect from this.

Made of highly-polished medical-grade stainless steel (an impressive 10 on EF's Material Guide) and weighing a hefty 8oz (that's half a pound in case you don't get into the kitchen much), it would be easy to think that this would be like shoving a lump of metal up your backside. But no, this is no ordinary 'lump' of metal. In fact it's not even a lump. The design has obviously been researched thoroughly and even those new to anal play or probes will find it a pleasure to work with.


These new Monopoly pieces are so much more fun than the old ones!

Stainless steel is smooth by nature, and this toy even more so. We already own several glass toys and this leaves them all behind (no pun intended) when it comes to just how smooth it is. It's highly polished/mirrored and needs just the bare minimum amount of lube for entry. Other than underneath the base, every part of this is curved and practically begs to be caressed.

A quick word of warning though - Stainless Steel contains Nickel, so this shouldn't be used if you know you are allergic to - or have experienced discomfort using - products that contain Nickel.

The Tempo comes in at just 4 1/2" overall but of that only a maximum of about 3 1/2" will actually enter your body. The widest point is the bulb at the top and even that is only 7/8" - a fraction wider than the average index finger and a lot easier to insert (trust me, I know). What's better about this though is that the rounded tip makes this a pleasure to put inside your willing little hole. Lubed up with your lube of choice - be it water, silicone or oil based - you almost feel as though it would be rude not to put this inside you!


Size comparison or 'Brothers In Arse': FunFactory's Bootie, the Tempo and Tantus' Neo


.

By now you're probably wondering why the Tempo doesn't get 5 stars from me, especially if you've already been researching it for yourself. Before I answer that, let me say that I was convinced - literally right up to the point of full insertion - that this would easily be 5 stars. In fact I thought I'd be requesting a 6 star option based on what I've read about this. The potential is all there - unassuming, almost friendly size, wonderful shape, impressive weight, etc. But... well there's that word, 'but'. And - appropriately for an anal product - it's a big but and I cannot lie. The paradox is that while this is extremely easy to use, it's incredibly difficult to get anything out of it without either a lot of practice or mastering some long-forgotten Zen booty techniques that it seems only a handful of select students will ever master.


"You may leave when you can walk on rice paper with the Tempo inserted in your backside"

Stainless steel is very easy to take care of. Think about it - how many of us have got knives, forks and spoons that we've had for years and years? This is the same deal - look after it and it's going to last for a long time. Metal is non-porous (obviously), making clean-up a snap. It is easily disinfected with a weak bleach solution (10% or less) or rubbing alcohol, though gentle washing with soap and water are best for every-day cleaning. The soft, flowing design of the Tempo means that you're not going to have to scrub away at little grooves and cleanup is literally a case of a minute or so's work.

Once you've cleaned and dried your Tempo, you're almost certainly going to want to put it back in the included box. Now I'm the type who usually keeps the original packaging from toys, but even if I weren't I'd still be holding onto the one that the Tempo arrived in.


The instructions. Brilliantly simple or simply unattainable?

Since discovering EF, my wife and I went down the same road as a lot of others probably did, starting out with less expensive toys that have gradually been replaced with higher-end ones. Sometimes a more expensive toy will be very nice but the packaging can look like an afterthought (our Realdoe Slim being a perfect example), but at other times the packaging compliments the toy perfectly. I'm glad to report that that's the case here. Aneros supplies the Tempo in a very nice box made of thick black card (if I'd said "cardboard box" it wouldn't have sounded quite as impressive, would it?), lined in red satin with an indentation that the Tempo fits into perfectly. If you're giving the Tempo as a gift then the box would make for a perfect presentation. Also included is a small, two-sided instruction leaflet, and while it doesn't give too much information, it gives everything you'd probably need to know and is printed on nice, glossy paper. The little touches are always appreciated, and my only complaint - if you can call it that - is that when it sits in its box it almost looks like something either Dracula or a Catholic Priest (or both) would own.


"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned" "You're forgiven. I've got one of those too"

In the two weeks or so since receiving the Tempo I'd say I've given it over 40 hours of attention. I've tried to use it every single day (with the exception of Day 3 when I thought I just needed my own little Sabbath rest day to make this work. I think I'll name it Bumday...). At other times I did end up trying this as a butt plug, contracting and working my muscles while I was doing odd jobs around the house, going to the shops or just sitting there watching TV. I did a little more research and was disappointed to see that there are people out there who've had this for months and still haven't had the same results as other owners. "Be patient", the believers will tell them. "Relax and it will happen". Now while I REALLY want this to happen, it's starting to smack of snake-oil to me, and I wonder whether people are willing this to work and are convincing themselves and others that it really does.

As for me, I'm most disappointed that this isn't something you can just make a little time for and get to your happy place. It's certainly a high-end toy, but unless you're lucky it's not one you're going to get quick results from - if you get any at all.

One other thing that I think is worth mentioning is the size of the base. As you'll see from the stock image near the top of this review, the base measures just 1 3/8" across, with a tapered top. I've read reports of people sleeping with this inserted but I defintely don't recommend that. Even though the base has that flare on it, it doesn't have the width of many of our dildos and I have a constant fear that it's going to go somewhere and never come back. Further research led me to discovering that the 'working part' of the Tempo is at the top, and if it's in as far as the base then it's in too far. The problem is that at times it wants to go in that far. I'd have been happier with a wider base, even just an extra 1/8" on either side. Better still would have been a pre-drilled hole that you could put a little loop of something through 'just in case'.

Reading back over my review, I'm worried it gives the impression that I don't like the Tempo. Nothing could be further from the truth - I absolutely love it. It's beautifully made and is totally unlike any other toy I own. It's just that the steep learning curve and potential lack of results is what stops this from being the perfect anal toy for me.

Although I had high hopes for the Tempo, I knew that aiming too high would probably leave me disappointed. So while I was hoping for a mind-blowing product, I'd resigned myself to something more "Oooh, that's nice". The problem is that while it is nice, there's either a huge learning curve or my body just won't bring out the best in this.

The idea behind it is that you play your own little private game of 'just the tip' (or get a partner to help you - that's definitely fun!). That's to say, DON'T just shove the whole thing up there like it's a high-end butt plug (although that does work - I tried it like that before I knew exactly what to do and it felt great. Not filling, but nice). Apparently you lie on your back or side after first making sure you're 'empty', clean and relaxed. Lube yourself up and apply just a little to the Tempo itself. Being steel means you can use a fraction of the lube you'd use for other anal toys. I ordered the Probe Thick & Rich with mine and it works wonderfully. Once you've applied a little lube, ease the bulb into yourself (or your partner) and wait. The idea - apparently - is for your sphincter muscles to do what they do best and work this into you themselves. That's where my first problem arose. If you've read our other reviews, you'll know that my wife and I aren't really strangers to anal sex and other than 'traditional' anal, we like a little pegging from time to time. I'm still very tight and can only comfortably take dildos up to about 1 1/4" max (even then I have to really be up for it) but over the last year or two that we've been doing that more, I've been learning to relax my ass more and more. The long shot of that is that when I put the tip of the Tempo inside me, it just sort of sat there, as if asking me "Well?". A little deliberate contracting and relaxing gradually brought more of the Tempo into my body but even then, it just sat in place like a surly teenager at a family reunion.

I'd already done a fair amount of research into the Tempo, and it seemed that the people who weren't getting the instant head-spinning factor were being told to relax, let it do the work, put it in and forget about it, treat it as a kegal exerciser, or any number of other variations on a theme. So I lay there, sometimes contracting, sometimes pushing down, sometimes on my side, sometimes on my back. Occasionally I'd pull my knees up, at other times I just bent them with the soles of my feet flat on the bed. I even tried getting out our Iceberg cushion and 'assumed the position' over it as though about to be fucked doggy-style. But still nothing.

I'm not ready to write this off though. I'm determined to persevere and give it a full, fighting chance since the alleged benefits are supposed to make the work worthwhile. Hopefully my two-month update will be a positive one. Until then, I'll be keeping my fingers (but not my legs) crossed.