He'd be this one. Part pleasure, part pain, and not healthy for multiple uses.

Material-wise, this is not a safe toy. While the packaging says that it's made of some hygienically-safe material, that's bull. Anything not of pure silicone, glass, or metal can't be sterilized (or in layman's terms, de-germed). So while it might be fine the first term, you'll never be able to get the wee-beasties off of it. That leaves you with three options - one-time use, use it every time with condoms, or go forth bravely and trust to your immune system. None of those are appealing to me, but hey, not everyone is as health-conscious as I am.

Also, for those of you familiar with silicone toys that feel nice and solid through and through, this guy has an unnerving squishiness. It feels like there's an inner and outer part with some air in between. Not unpleasant, but it has more give than I'm used to. The fact that it's black is nice, for various, obvious reasons when it comes to something you put up your poop chute. Unfortunately, that also helped hide the tiniest of seams in the material. Now, it wasn't sharp or rigid enough to be dangerous back there, but to me, that's just some sloppy manufacturing. Of course, this toy IS only $10.

Which brings me to a final, indisputable fact. This toy is nice. So nice, I wish it came in pure silicone (hint, hint). The first bulb is no monster, but definitely not a good starting point for most people. It goes along for about the length of your average chicken egg, then slopes slightly to a thinner point, and then goes out again. There are two more identical bulbs, or near enough so, in size. However, there are no "staging areas" for you to park your derriere as you're getting used to things. And be warned: all the bulbs have more or less the same diameter. So if this is a round one toy, well, good luck. If you can make it to the end, there is a stem to sit nice and tight back there, and it felt secure enough that it wasn't going anywhere, in or out.

My first experience, though, was not a happy one at the end. Once I got the package, I immediately busted Bonez plug out, lubed it up, and put it in. It hurt a little, but nothing crazy. Time (and foreplay) went on, and it was time for act two: the penis. Bonez black plug came out slowly at first, then faster because I wanted to get it out much like you rip off a band-aid. Unlike a band-aid, however, my butt hole kept hurting as I lay on the bed with a rather shocked, frozen posture. After a few minutes the pain had subsided (as my sphincter stopped spasming), but anal was definitely out for the night, and several nights after.

I learned my lesson, though, and broke myself in with the Tantus Severin in medium. Then, and only then (and going for option number three as described above) did I put in the bonez, and oh golly was I in heaven. I had, hands down, the most powerful vaginal orgasms of my life. Not g-spot whoppers, but oh-my-god-I-feel-like-a-zombie 'gasms, the kind where you wake up a few minutes later craving cream cheese frosted cinnamon rolls. No kidding.

So, user beware. When utilized properly, Bonez is a good toy. But material safety, and butthole safety, still applies. Think of this bad boy as an extremely decadent treat, like a box of See's chocolates. If you can manage condoms on it every time, kudos, because I neither have the time, energy, or inclination. So poor Bonez has an expiration date marked on the bottom in sharpie, and I hope I have the mental fortitude to toss him out when his time comes.