When I made my first order on Eden Fantasys, I waited with quiet anticipation for the mail to come in. I was so excited about receiving my two new dildos, Lelo Ella and the Ocean breeze from SSA Glass. I had researched for days trying to narrow down the very best ones to buy. They would be my first ever sex toys, so they had to be perfect.

The first one out of the box was Ella who was a great success, but I couldn't end the day there. I slipped the Ocean from its velvet pouch and rolled it from its bubble-wrap casing to find a glass dildo completely unfamiliar to me. It looked nothing like what I was expecting, had none of the same features, and was completely unappealing in every way. Had I known this was, in fact, the Ocean breeze, I never would have bought it.

The only thing the dildo I received had in common with the one advertised is that it was a clear glass dildo with balls, or something like them. That's it. All the features that were so appealing to me, the slim-width, curved shaft, the realistic, pronounced veins, the artfully designed balls — all gone. No, these great features were replaced with a varying-width shaft that was widest across the middle and then tapered at both ends to a tiny quarter-sized head floating on the tip and a long, skinny ball-sack covered in tiny red dots, and three wide, barely-pronounced glass squiggles lying diagonally across both sides. Frankly, it's ugly. This is a dildo only a mother could love.

I can only guess that this is a restyled version of a once great dildo — a downgrade to say the least. To tell the truth, I'm not all that upset I was sent a different-looking dildo than the one I ordered. I'm upset that there's no way for me to get the original, the one that is advertised, the one I got my hopes up for. The one I received isn't the worst dildo in the world, but it wasn't what I wanted.

And, yeah, it's definitely going back.