At least, that's what my boyfriend claimed after I bullied him into watching Pirates 2: Stagnetti's Revenge with me. And he actually watches those awkward movies on the Sci-Fi channel, so it's not even like he's making it up.

Pirates 2, despite its status as a sequel and a healthy heaping of all else that might indicate it's not so hot, is the perfect blend of sex, humor, and a sprinkling of horror. It's not so much "porn with a plot" as it is a really funny movie with superb sex scenes. Before watching this movie, I was only marginally aware of adult stars such as Jesse Jane, Katsuni, and BellaDonna. Now I'm a head-over-heels fan!

The movie begins on a dark stormy night at sea. A missionary ship is attacked by a pirate ship that flies the colors of Xifeng, the Chinese pirate empress. Xifeng obtains a glowing blue pearl, which is later revealed to be a major plot point. On the flip side, Captain Edward Reynolds, famed pirate hunter who took down evil pirate Stagnetti, and his first mate, the busty Jules Steel, pay Governor Littleton a visit. The king has issued an arrest warrant for their pirate friend Serena, who helped them defeat Stagnetti. Littleton agrees to clear Serena's name if the pirate hunters help the king execute Xifeng's men and return the blue pearl.

Serena's cousin, Olivia, has been sent to protect Captain Reynolds and Jules from enemies until Serena has been pardoned. Instead, Reynolds delegates her to look after the ship with third-in-command Oxford, gunman Wu Chow and Wu's nymphomaniac sister, Ai Chow, while the captain and Jules go off adventuring. Of course, his orders go unheeded and Olivia tags along (secretly) while Oxford and Wu look for Ai, who has run away.

After much naked cavorting and hilarity, the three separate parties come together again, plus one re-animated Victor Stagnetti (courtesy of Xifeng) to engage in an epic on-deck battle. There are some noteworthy CGI horrors of the deep, including a ship full of pirate skeletons and some kind of "aqua squid" (Captain Reynolds' words, not mine). Some sexy sword-fighting occurs between the main characters and the results of the battle are mainly loose strings for the next installment of the Pirates saga to pick up on. The movie wraps up nicely with two threesomes and a lot of laughs.

So that's the plot, what about the sex? Pirates 2 has 10 sex scenes in the movie, with a bonus scene between Katsuni, Stoya, and BellaDonna in the DVD set. Most of the scenes are FFM threesomes, to a point where it would almost get monotonous if not for the dialogue and in-character interactions that occur during these scenes. There are a few scenes that stand out, however:

1. Olivia and Jules (BellaDonna and Jesse Jane): The only girl-on-girl scene in the movie (without a guy involved), and it is pretty damn hot. The two women fight for domination while having violent, passionate sex. There's rimming, spitting, choking--some things I'm not usually turned on by, but the power struggle in the scene makes it great.

2. Captain Reynolds and Slave Girl Anne (Evan Stone and Jenna Haze): At one point, Reynolds purchases a slave girl and they have sex. There's a lot of "What would you like, Master?", but what makes this scene golden for me is Reynolds' insistence that Anne thank him for killing Stagnetti while they have sex in lieu of "dirty talk". "Thank me for killing Stagnetti...without help from Wu..." The guy's just so concerned about his pride and reputation.

3. Stagnetti, Jules, and Xifeng (Tommy Gunn, Jesse Jane, and Katsuni): Possibly the only FFM threesome that I wholeheartedly enjoyed watching. Xifeng and Stagnetti are both dominant in this scene, while Jules is their drugged, crazy plaything. The music is also something other than plucky and upbeat for a change.

Ai, played by Shay Jordan with the worst faux Chinese accent this side of the Pacific, is also featured in three sex scenes. These scenes are hot... until Ai moans "in Chinese", as Shay Jordan explains in the Behind the Scenes footage. Then it just becomes ridiculous. I really only watch Ai's scenes for a good laugh. It's not offensive; just silly.

Evan Stone's Captain Reynolds, on the other hand, delivers his lines with such tongue-in-cheek wit that no scene of his ever has a boring moment, whether the clothes are on or off. Katsuni's Xifeng was equal parts sinister and seductive. For the most part, the acting in Pirates 2 was surprisingly good. The talent and chemistry between actors makes the movie so very watchable.

The DVD set contains four disks in all. The first disk contains the movie, along with options for sound, including commentary by director Joone and the stars of the show. The second disk contains 162 minutes of extended sex scenes plus the bonus sex scene. The third disk contains the Behind the Scenes footage, a Slide Show, and Featurettes (set design, make-up, etc.). The fourth disk includes Deleted Scenes, Bloopers, Star Interviews, and footage from the Casting Call auditions. There are over 2 hours each of Special Features and Behind the Scenes material.

Pirates 2 is one of those movies I want to watch over and over again, even if I may want to skip some of the more ridiculous scenes. By ridiculous, I mean Ai moaning "mowa mowa mowa!" Really, that fake accent kills it for me.

I've already watched it three times in the past month, alone or with friends. Every time I watch it I get something new out of it. I haven't even looked at any of the extended sex scenes yet, but the bloopers and deleted scenes do not disappoint.

The boxed DVD set is a bit of an investment, but this is quality entertainment and the box looks pretty good up on your shelf. Way, way up on your shelf, possibly hidden in a shoebox in your closet to hide it from minors/your parents/your cat who judges you for watching naked people on the television.