This DVD by is by “The Romance Series.” Evidently this series is made to appeal to women. I'm a woman. We'll see.

The header on the box says, “When she opens her eyes, she will finally see the man that truly loves her.” Uh. Is this porn?

If you have ever been watching a Soap Opera or a Lifetime Channel Movie (minus the requisite battered woman) and thought, “What this needs is 20 minutes of incongruous, uninspired, yet explicit sex, right now!” then this movie may be for you.

The “plot” concerns a woman named Theresa (Samantha Ryan) who has real breasts and whom has just gotten engaged to her live in love, Stuart (Dale DaBone, really.) Stuart claims his undying love for Samantha as he slips the ring on her finger, saying he will never leave her. Then, after many agonizing minutes of boring kissing, they have sex. OK, Theresa gets a good share of cunnilingus, I’ll give this movie that much. Followed by some tentative fellatio, tip only. (C’mon Samantha, we know you can take more than that!) The scene is already too long. Some fake moaning, some petting. Suddenly, Stuart has a condom on, rear entry Penis in Vagina sex, more fake moaning, a fake orgasm from Theresa. Then they keep going, doing the same PIV over and over again. LOTS of kissing. Only semi-penetration (Dale’s a big boy, but not that big.) Finally, he rips off the condom and the Money Shot finally makes it. They continue kissing.

Then she summarily goes outside and gets hit by a car.

Stuart is by her side in the hospital, saying horribly cliché things like, “I promised her I’d never leave her” while the nurse encourages him to go home and get some rest. NOTHING happens with the nurse. Is this a porno?

Her best friend Julia (Misty Stone) comes into the hospital room, with her husband, Matt (Tony DeSergio) and Julia overacts up a storm of fake hysteria. Matt takes her home and after a long long dialogue scene, complete with more cliches, they finally have sex. It starts with four minutes of kissing. OK, I don’t kiss my own man for four full minutes before getting down to it. Matt has a fake English accent, yet has a circumcised penis. An other incongruity. Plus, it’s a terrible accent. They do start with some cunnilingus, which looks like DeSergio is actually enjoying himself, and fellatio, which Stone apparently knows how to perform quite nicely. Then more kissing. (*sigh*) Matt (DeSergio) also suddenly has a condom on and they have about 23 minutes of uninspired PIV sex. Some fake moaning, although not a lot of it, from Julia, and then they change positions, but still do nothing but penis in vagina intercourse. No Gonzo Close Ups, most of the scene is full body shots, with romantic music playing. If she came, I missed it, or she’s very quiet about it. He pops off (after ripping off the condom) and it’s over.

Back to the hospital, there is more talking and dialogue and bad acting. This is where I almost fell asleep. The nurse insists Stuart goes home, so he does.

Eight months later. Theresa suddenly wakes up and has a male roommate. Nate (Danny Mountain) He's nice to her.

Theresa is unaffected by her eight months in a coma, Dr Jackson (Ryan Driller) comes in and tells her some gibberish about her medical condition (which is totally made up) and this would be a perfect time for a three way between Samantha, Driller and Mountain, if I were the director. But, it isn’t to be.

She asks where her engagement ring is, and there is MORE dialogue, where the nurse starts to talk, then there’s a flash back; Stuart breaks up with her after months in a coma and takes the ring.

And, after eight months in a coma Samantha’s gel nails are perfect! Mine look like shit after 2 weeks, of being fully awake and tending them! She also has on full make up. What a busy hospital that must be. She talks with her roommate.

For no reason, we see an other “inpatient” couple called Rich (TJ Cummings) and Sonia (Allie Haze.) I have no idea who they are or where they come from. Rich has a bandage around his head, and at first I thought he was “Nate.” Rich and Sonia get into an argument, with a lot of fake badly acted “anger” from TJ Cummings. Then they go into a huge supply closet and after more cliché dialogue, have some really boring sex on a chair and on the floor. These are brain injury patients? Rolling around on a supply room floor, in perfect body condition? Is this a porno?

Twenty four minutes of “sex.” Lots of kissing. She has what appears to be a Cesarean Section scar. (Is that supposed to make all of us C Section mommies feel better about our bodies?) I always wondered what sex with both parties wearing hospital gowns would be like, now I know: Boring and weird. Yeah, they both come and then it’s over.

Now, the entire cast (except Stuart) is in Theresa’s room. this would be a perfect set up for an orgy. Hello? New Sensations Romance? An orgy? All these lovely bodies? Please? No, they….. talk. Everyone is happy to see Theresa completely recovered from eight months in a coma after being awake for 12 minutes. YAY! More dialogue! He asks Theresa to move in with him. YAY!

Nate and Theresa are released and we are treated to an 80s style montage of the fun they are having over the next year, (I think.)

Then, Nate and Theresa are in bed. They have sex. Yes, there is some nice cunnilingus, and the requisite changing of positions. They both appear to come. There is a talk over about waiting for the Right One and how love will find you and blah blah blah blah.

THE END

That’s over two hours of my life I will never get back.

The DVD also has extras, Behind the Scenes, A Photo Gallery, “Pick Your Pleasure” (Oh, you can watch only the sex parts, why didn’t I see that earlier?) And some Trailers of XXX Parodies.

This DVD was truly one of the worst porn movies I have watched in over 20 years. If I want acting, I’ll see a regular movie. Not one with Dale DaBone and TJ Cummings in it. (Are those their real names? How fortuitous.)

When I watch porn, I want to be aroused. I didn’t find myself more than slightly aroused during any part of this movie. I did appreciate the real breasts on the women, the nice, real looking cunnilingus scenes were good. But the sex was excruciatingly boring, long and lacked imagination. If this is what the porn industry thinks “women want” maybe they are talking to the wrong women. Or they are just guessing, by adding sex scenes (with LOTS of kissing) to Lifetime movies. Perhaps this might be a starting point for some women who are afraid of porn, or afraid of multiple sex scenes (each person in this movie only had sex with one partner, except Theresa, but she was dumped by the first one) or don’t want to see any threesomes or any kind of girl on girl or kinky action. This movie might actually be good for some people. But, my tastes are a lot more kinky, a lot more complicated and I hate the Lifetime channel.

I’ll skip the next installment of “New Sensations Romance.”

I tried, I really tried to watch this DVD again. My Man refused to watch it, he hates Soft Core as much, if not more, than I do. (OK, maybe as much. Few people hate Soft Core as much as I do.)

The poor dialogue, the horrible acting, the infrequent sex scenes, the overly "sensitive" men. All things I simply don't want to watch in a movie, plus the sex scenes were boring, repetitive and lacked imagination.

I have no idea what I'm going to do with this DVD. I have no use for it, and only limited space for our porn. It can't be placed with the regular DVDs, but I don't want it in my porn collection either.

I'll know to stay away from this company. No more "Lifetime Sex Movies" for us.