They shot her up and left her for dead on her wedding day. She was in a coma for years. Then Chuck…WAIT NO…that was the *other* movie.

Kill Jill stars Mya Luanna as…um…Mya. She is training in the Cuma Fu Temple in sunny Beverly Hills or something and given the task of tracking down a rogue member from the Temple who has been teaching outsiders their ways, Jill (Kelly) her half-sister. I don’t think that gives away the plot. If you’re looking for plot in a porn…well…

Here’re some spoilers to sum up the movie:

Scene 1 – Mya and Tommy Gunn
Evan Stone and April Blossom watch Tommy and Mya go through their sexual “kata”. It starts with a duel between Tommy Gunn and Mya. Of course, Mya wins and they go at it while Evan absently plucks away on a Guzheng (Asian lute) and April plucks away on her own musical box. Every few minutes Evan, in his orange tea-cozy looking robe, sounds a post-production gong for them to change position/acts. Mya’s performance here sets the bar for the rest of the movie, for good or for ill.

Scene 2 – Evan Stone and April Blossom
This was done for the honor of Mya. It’s better than the first scene. If you’ve never seen Evan’s package, it’s HUGE. April did a really good job trying to swallow as much as she did, I was impressed. A couple of times during this scene it cuts to Mya touching herself in a chair while she’s watching, just to let you know she’s still there. April really seems to enjoy herself while she’s calling Evan “Master”.

Scene 3 – Mya and Dee
One of my favorite lines from the movie comes from this scene. Dee instructs Mya on the 5 point somethingoranotherorgasm technique, basically the porn name for the move that kills the guy from the real movie. Dee tells Mya that her original idea was to give her a “solar-powered vibrator that shoots invisible poison darts. The solar-powered thing was my contribution to the fight against global warming. The poisonous darts, eh. It’s so last week.” This scene features some really nice glass dildos as well as the best music in the whole movie.

Scene 4 – Derrik Pearce and Jasmine Byrne
This scene starts with Steven St. Croix and Mya during their honeymoon. She leaves to take a shower; Derrik and Jasmine sneak in and kidnap Steven, threatening to sell him to the white slave market as a sex slave. Some lite BDSM stuff between Jasmine and Steven while he’s tied up to a chair and she’s dressed like a school girl. They leave Steven in a closet and scrump in the stairway.

This is actually my favorite scene in the movie. Jasmine pretty much redeems Mya’s performance with this scene. This is the only scene with anal, but Jasmine makes up for the singularity of it with enthusiasm. I liked the music in the scene too.

Scene 5 – Jill and Mya
NO SEX! This is just the wrap up of the plot. Mya kills Derrik and Jasmine, rescues Steven. She then goes back to the Cuma Fu Temple and finds Evan and Tommy dead. Jill is wearing Evan’s orange tea-cozy of a robe. With dialogue that even Keanu Reeves would shake his head at, the plot ends with a very poignant “eh”. I'm pretty sure Jill Kelly was in this movie just for her name and possible contractual obligation.

Scene 6 – Steven St. Croix and Mya
Pretty much a forgettable scene except for when you see Steven St. Croix smack himself upside the head (not the one with hair). I don’t know if he does this to prevent or promote himself cumming, still kinda funny to watch.

All in all, the scenes are all pretty much the same order: one person gives head, the other person returns the favor, sex one way, sex another, money shot, the end. The scene with Jasmine and Derrik is the exception with the buttsecks. I should also mention that Kill Jill is a definite Gonzo movie. If you didn’t know already, a Gonzo movie is one with extreme close-ups for extended periods of time.

Best Actress: Jasmine
Best Actor: Evan and Steven (tie). Evan Stone has great delivery. Steven can actually act.
Worst Performer: Mya. Mya. Mya. I have no idea how she ended up with the lead in this. This movie would’ve been better without her.

Each change in position or act is its own chapter on the DVD. I love that! I can start with Evan and April and then skip to Jasmine and Derrik, GREAT! Each chapter in the scene has its own name (anal, oral, etc).