The New Intimacy

Does it bother you when your partner is in the mood for sex and you are not?

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Contributor: Septimus Septimus
This is sort of a follow up to my other poll on desire discrepancy.

My fiance often wants sex when I'm not in the mood for it. I feel terrible having to turn him down so much, but I feel even worse when I go along and I'm not in the mood.
This has caused some problems in our relationship and it's something that we're working on.
I was wondering if this is an issue that other couples struggle with. I'm trying to put some information together about the roll that it plays in relationships, and as always your input is appreciated.
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
Yes, it bothers me when my partner is in the mood for sex and I'm not
16  (18%)
Yes, it bothers me when I'm in the mood for sex and my partner is not
26  (29%)
No, it doesn't bother me when one of us is in the mood and the other is not
31  (34%)
No, that's not really a problem, our sex drives are very equally matched
17  (19%)
Total votes: 90
Poll is closed
01/05/2013
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Contributor: FunFantasys FunFantasys
Quote:
Originally posted by Septimus
This is sort of a follow up to my other poll on desire discrepancy.

My fiance often wants sex when I'm not in the mood for it. I feel terrible having to turn him down so much, but I feel even worse when I go along and I'm not in the ... more
This only happens sometimes to me, but communication helps.
01/05/2013
Contributor: Falsepast Falsepast
It would bother me moreso if I were in the mood and they weren't
01/05/2013
Contributor: anonymous1298304 anonymous1298304
in the past I've found that if i give foreplay a go even when i'm not in the mood, i tend to end up in the mood. so as long as my partner understands that if I don't end up getting in the mood it's not really gonna go far. Now if there is something behind why a person isn't in the mood than it's a matter of communication for sure. but if there is nothing behind it, it usually can easily be changed
01/05/2013
Contributor: panthercat23 panthercat23
Typically we don't have that problem. The only time it is an issue is if one of us is sick.
01/05/2013
Contributor: Lioncub Lioncub
Not an issue for us, we both understand that sometimes you just aren't feeling it.
01/05/2013
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
Quote:
Originally posted by anonymous1298304
in the past I've found that if i give foreplay a go even when i'm not in the mood, i tend to end up in the mood. so as long as my partner understands that if I don't end up getting in the mood it's not really gonna go far. Now if ... more
Same here! I'm nearly always willing to at least give it a go, or have a quickie, if I don't feel 100% in the mood. I love him & I'm willing to do what I can to take care of him, just as he is for me. Then, often during that process I get in the mood and end up enjoying it.

I'm rarely NOT in the mood though, to be honest. lol
01/05/2013
Contributor: BlooJay BlooJay
It used to bother me, but now it doesn't.
01/05/2013
Contributor: Raymaker Raymaker
People are bound to be different and that includes up to sex drive. Even if you were perfectly suited for one another, I personally don't think it's emotionally healthy to be entirely dependant on your significant other for sexual relief anyway. A little independance is good.
01/06/2013
Contributor: Arlinnae Arlinnae
I do not have a problem with turning him down once a while, but i do feel bad when it happens often.
01/06/2013
Contributor: brian691986 brian691986
No it does not
01/06/2013
Contributor: PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
Sometimes it bothers me when I'm in the mood and he isn't, but it usually doesn't take much to get him there!
01/06/2013
Contributor: Kyle Hunter Kyle Hunter
seems her sex drive is as high as mine but if she wasnt in mood 4 whatever reason then no it wouldnt bother me
01/14/2013
Contributor: MrsHouseWife MrsHouseWife
This use to happen to me and my husband alot. Especially when I wasn't working full time and he was. It took a long talk and lots of communication for me to understand that he wasn't turning me down, he just knew that he was tried and didn't have the energy to give me "the loving" I deserved. Sometimes it still hurts and feels slightly like rejection. But I know he loves me and desires me, so its ok.

Maybe explain to him, that it isn't fair on either of you, if you have sex without really wanting to. And that you aren't turning him down or rejecting him, you just simple dont want to.
01/14/2013
Contributor: Sinfully Sinfully
Nope. Not a problem.
01/14/2013
Contributor: SecretKinksters SecretKinksters
No, because even if one of us is in the mood it doesn't take long for the other to be ready.
01/18/2013
Contributor: woodsdragon woodsdragon
My husband (recently married) and I have this problem. He wants it all the time and with my job and currently working on a masters course I am usually so tired by bedtime that I am just not in the mood. We talk about it and I do feel awful when I am just not in the mood - but it happens. I have bought him toys to help when I am not in the mood and will sometimes please him in ways other than sex. We have also tried not waiting until bedtime which isnt always possible but it does help
01/18/2013
Contributor: Stagger13 Stagger13
Quote:
Originally posted by Septimus
This is sort of a follow up to my other poll on desire discrepancy.

My fiance often wants sex when I'm not in the mood for it. I feel terrible having to turn him down so much, but I feel even worse when I go along and I'm not in the ... more
More often than not we are on similar schedules for that sort of thing. It does happen occasionally and we are both pretty understanding.
01/18/2013
Contributor: CountryPrincess CountryPrincess
It kinda bothers me that he seems to ALWAYS want oral and I like giving it to him but it gets old when I'm ALWAYS asked for it and the other thing is when we first got together I told him I had a HUGE sex drive and he said that was awesome so did he but I've come to learn that mine is a lot more than his and it can get discouraging
02/04/2013
Contributor: jr2012 jr2012
I am on the other side of the fence from you....I am generally the one that gets turned down. It sucks, but mostly because I am horny and cranky about not getting any...rather than hurt feelings. I admit to usually remedying it with one of my toys!

I think one of the important tactics for the person who has the higher sex drive is to not get themselves aroused before asking for sex. If I go through the effort of putting on lingerie, fantasizing about the sex I'm going to have, getting all hot and bothered...I get ANGRY when I get turned down. But if I go, "hey want to have sex?" in a casual setting, and he says no, it's not a big deal. I don't know if that would work for your partner but it helps me a lot, and I almost never get hurt feelings anymore.
02/04/2013
Contributor: LavenderSkies LavenderSkies
Quote:
Originally posted by Septimus
This is sort of a follow up to my other poll on desire discrepancy.

My fiance often wants sex when I'm not in the mood for it. I feel terrible having to turn him down so much, but I feel even worse when I go along and I'm not in the ... more
It has never been a problem for us.
02/06/2013
Contributor: butts butts
yeah, we both have high sex drives but they don't always align. We don't like turning each other down.
02/06/2013
Contributor: shorejen9 shorejen9
No we don't have that issue. We always want each other it's just that life gets in the way sometimes.
02/06/2013
Contributor: srexom srexom
yea sometimes a bit.
02/06/2013
Contributor: Geogeo Geogeo
Quote:
Originally posted by Septimus
This is sort of a follow up to my other poll on desire discrepancy.

My fiance often wants sex when I'm not in the mood for it. I feel terrible having to turn him down so much, but I feel even worse when I go along and I'm not in the ... more
only if they are rude about it
02/06/2013
Contributor: Hummingbird Hummingbird
It bothers me when I'm in the mood and he isn't, not much I can do about it though, it's beyond both our control even with Cialis. I have my toys so that gets me through the I between times, it does take a lot of patience though.
02/06/2013
Contributor: Trysexual Trysexual
Never happens...I'm always in the mood..she is not.
02/06/2013
Contributor: karenm karenm
Quote:
Originally posted by jr2012
I am on the other side of the fence from you....I am generally the one that gets turned down. It sucks, but mostly because I am horny and cranky about not getting any...rather than hurt feelings. I admit to usually remedying it with one of my ... more
I hadn't really thought about it that way, but you're right. Thanks for the suggestion!
It get frustrating that I have a higher sex drive than my partner.
02/06/2013
Contributor: jlr23 jlr23
My boyfriend and my sexual schedule has been off lately, we can't seem to line up with when we want to have a little fun and it is so frustrating!
02/09/2013
Contributor: StarrStacked StarrStacked
I have a huge sex drive and my boyfriend is often the one turning me down. I do get frustrated because in the beginning of our relationship he always wanted me to initiate things but now, I'm always initiating and most of the time getting turned down. This actually happened a few minutes ago so I could be a little bitter....lol
02/16/2013