The New Intimacy

Self Defense- Rape

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Contributor: Nashville Nashville
This doesn't quite belong here.. but what the hoot. Has anyone taken a self defense class to ward off an attacker or rapist? Do you know what to do?

Most people know the basics- Have your keys in your hand at all times when you're walking to your car, never go to a second location, if it's dark ask for an escort outside of your work or a store, etc... but my sister called me up and shared some lesser known things.

If you're about to be raped, PEE on yourself! Apparently, it worked for a girl in her city. She was jogging in the park and the guy wrestled her down, she was scared so she ended up peeing on herself, her attacker was so disgusted that he punched her in the face and got up and ran away instead of raping her.

Act Happy and Elated! Say, "Oh, I haven't had sex in so long". He'll wonder why you're so thrilled and you can choose to mention that you have HIV/AIDS or herpes. Sometimes it doesn't work and they'll say, "me too!"

Tell your rapist that you're ovulating and you've always wanted a child. Tell him that if he successfully rapes you that you'll get his DNA from a rape kit afterward so he has to pay child support for the next 18 years. Tell him condoms aren't effective if he uses one, and that you'll still get pregnant because you're on fertility drugs.

Act absolutely INSANE. Most people want to get as far away from a crazy person as possible. Spit, hiss, punch, bite. Now is not the time to remain stationary. Do everything short of speaking in tongues, most rapists will not want to have to put up with a crazy woman who is spitting all over him and herself. Vomiting works too if you can vomit on command. However, if it doesn't ward him off but only makes him more violent change your approach.

Be sure to tell your rapist that it isn't love or sex, that they are in fact raping you. You need to put them back into reality and have them fully conscious of the situation. Tell them that you will find them after this and ruin their life. You will tell everyone that they are a rapist. You will go to every job they ever get and tell their employer that they are a rapist. 10 years down the line you will find where they live and tell their wife and children that they are a rapist.

If you're not looking for ways to get out of a rape situation verbally but are not interested in taking self defense courses, I found a really great article. link It's most definitely worth the read. It gives approaches to never be in the situation where you have to rely on talking your way out of a rape as it prevents the situation from ever progressing that far.

Do you have any tips or advice to share? Any stories or accounts of someone or yourself successfully deterring a rapist?
03/23/2009
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Contributor: Victoria Victoria
This is an excellent post - Thank you!

About thirteen years ago, I was followed from the subway by two men (late at night, I was alone - dumb, I know) and I don't know whether they intended on mugging me or worse, but after a block of me crossing the street and them deliberately hovering right behind me and getting closer as the street lights and train station faded, I walked into the middle of the street, dropped my bag, turned to face them and started yelling at them at the top of my lungs. I used aggressive gestures and *strong* language about how I would fight them back if they came any closer to me. They looked surprised and talked quietly to each other and then they turned around. I stood there until I saw them go past the train platform. I felt cold all over, awash with nausea. It was a close call and I knew it.

Before that night, I thought my height and broad shoulders were enough of a deterrent - that somehow I didn't look like a 'victim'. I thought that the way I carried myself would keep me safe. So, it was a serious revelation; acting stupid put me in danger and acting crazy saved my ass. I never took the subway home alone that late again. The bus took longer but was closer to my house and much safer. I started walking in the middle of the street when I was alone in a dark desolate place. I stopped wearing headphones when walking alone at night. Little awareness things like that - and luckily I've never had another incident. Which is not to say that I don't sometimes sense the vibe when passing someone or walking somewhere - I absolutely listen to my gut. It's an instinctual thing, that hyper-awareness you sometimes get and you should pay attention when you feel it.
03/23/2009
Contributor: jedent jedent
I actually took one of these classes in high school. All the girls had to take the course for six weeks and for some reason at the same time all the boys were learning tactical wrestling moves...I always kind of thought that they out did each other.

A few things I remember is eye gouge the fucker, punch him in the adam's apple, if he's in your house and you're cooking dinner throw a pot of boiling water on him (more likely to be used in domestic abuse situations but still handy!)

In The Pink is right about losing the headphones, or at least draping them around your neck. Also, if he wants you to get in the car, fuck that, just get out of there even if he has a gun. You would rather die there in the street where there are witnesses than be dragged back to his lair and tortured for days/weeks/months/year s. Also, it's hard to shoot a moving target so run in a zig zag pattern. Whatever you do, dont get into the car.

My favorite part of the class was kicking the dummies in the nards and being graded on how loud our "NO!" was. I think the teacher said something about if you yell while you're trying to hit someone it gives you 40% more power or something. I dont know, but just scream your head off and go for a head shot. Either head is fine, both effective in saving your butt.
03/23/2009
Contributor: Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
Quote:
Originally posted by jedent
I actually took one of these classes in high school. All the girls had to take the course for six weeks and for some reason at the same time all the boys were learning tactical wrestling moves...I always kind of thought that they out did each other. ... more
The reason that shouting "NO!" or just shouting gives you more power is it focuses your energy. I learned that from one of my Pagan friends who's into the whole energy channeling thing. Apparently, it also helps with bending forks!

That article Sleeping Dreamer linked to was most useful. I'm queasy about hurting people, but I won't think twice about giving it to someone who wants to hurt me. My only fear is that I might misunderstand someone's intentions and break a kneecap when they were just trying to give out free hugs (hey, it happens).

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to remember a statistic that says that a majority of rapes are NOT committed by a stranger. Many rapes are committed by someone the victim/survivor knows, such as a relative or friend. One of my very best friends was raped by her uncle when she was younger. How do these techniques work on someone you perceive to be an acquaintance? It's much harder to stomp or yell at someone who you don't think really means to hurt you.

Thoughts?
03/23/2009
Contributor: Sammi Sammi
That's a lot of good ideas and information! I've never taken a class, but I would like to.

I hadn't heard that stat about most rapes being committed by someone you know. That's a frightening thing.
03/23/2009
Contributor: Tuesday Tuesday
I've read of many techniques for self-defense. I sometimes practice them on my husband and son, but both are more than twice my weight and I'm rarely successful.

I once challenged a man I was dating to a wrestling match because he was small and proud of the fact that he never exercised. He pinned me down with no trouble at all. That experience was incredibly frightening for me - to realize that any man not in a coma can overpower me even though I lift weights 4x/week.

The only technique that worked in practice with my husband was faking being mentally ill. He said that even though he knew I was faking he was repulsed. I hear it also helps if you pee.
03/23/2009
Contributor: Nashville Nashville
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Cinnamon
The reason that shouting "NO!" or just shouting gives you more power is it focuses your energy. I learned that from one of my Pagan friends who's into the whole energy channeling thing. Apparently, it also helps with bending ... more
One website said 72% of rapes are committed by people you know.
03/23/2009
Contributor: Nashville Nashville
My apologies, it said 70% and it was just an article. They call acquaintances "gentleman rapists". link I'll post a few tidbits here from the link. This link isn't as in depth as the previous one I posted which I think was just great.

---

"He is called the Gentleman Rapist, because he often acts like a gentleman after the rape, by escorting his victim home and then asking her out for another “date” the next day. He rarely uses a weapon and uses coercion to get you to cooperate. He doesn’t consider what he is doing as rape. He lives in a fantasy world and is shocked when he discovers that he’s been accused of rape, since to him, he was just having a wonderful time sexually."


Step1
In order to stop him, you must break through his fantasy. Get him to see that what is happening is not sex or love, but rape.

Step2
Get his attention by shouting, screaming or other aggressive behavior. Tell him he is a rapist and that this is not love or sex.

Step3
If you physically resist him or fight back, be conscious of his behavior. He may become more violent and start abusing you.
03/23/2009
Contributor: Miss Cinnamon Miss Cinnamon
Quote:
Originally posted by Tuesday
I've read of many techniques for self-defense. I sometimes practice them on my husband and son, but both are more than twice my weight and I'm rarely successful.

I once challenged a man I was dating to a wrestling match because he ... more
The physical techniques for escaping a rapist detailed in the article Sleeping Dreamer linked to are effective even if the man is physically stronger than you are. I read in another article that no matter how built a person is, the knees and nose are still vulnerable to attack because they are not covered by muscle or fatty tissue.

The other thing is that practicing with a friend is often different from dealing blows on a would-be rapist. Maybe practice techniques on a dummy instead? I know I always hold back on folks I know and don't want to put in the hospital.
03/23/2009
Contributor: Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
I was grabbed from behind while walking across a college campus one night. I had to work in the computer lab until almost 3. Someone had stolen my bike and I had to walk.

When the man grabbed my shoulders, a flash of pure anger went through me. I elbowed him, turned around and kicked him while screaming "How dare you, you piece of #*&^. I'm going to kick your *#$" and stuff like that. It scared him.

All of the above advice is really good. My addition is that you should get angry if someone actually grabs you. I was taught once to turn fear immediately to something useful and in my case it saved me.
03/23/2009
Contributor: Tuesday Tuesday
Quote:
Originally posted by Miss Cinnamon
The physical techniques for escaping a rapist detailed in the article Sleeping Dreamer linked to are effective even if the man is physically stronger than you are. I read in another article that no matter how built a person is, the knees and nose are ... more
I'm sure that the fact that I don't really want to hurt my son or husband decreased my effectiveness.

I've also heard that one study found that women who started out not fighting then began fighting back at a later point during the rape were more likely to be murdered. After a rapist feels in control of the situation, if you threaten that control you can trigger him to think that's what he needs to do to maintain control again. Rape is about power, not sex.

So if you choose to fight, do so in the beginning.

Also, my husband told me once that a small person who doesn't appear to be concerned with getting hurt themselves is scarier than a bigger person who is trying to prevent self-injury as they fight. I'll try to keep that in mind and be that bullet-like small person if the need arises and I chose to fight.
03/23/2009
Contributor: Tuesday Tuesday
Quote:
Originally posted by Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
I was grabbed from behind while walking across a college campus one night. I had to work in the computer lab until almost 3. Someone had stolen my bike and I had to walk.

When the man grabbed my shoulders, a flash of pure anger went through ... more
Wow. How frightening. I'm so glad that worked for you.
03/23/2009
Contributor: LikeSunshineDust LikeSunshineDust
When I still lived on campus and was walking back to my dorm at night, I would call someone because it made me feel safer. Now, my question is this. If you can first get out your phone and make a call without losing focus on your surroundings, would being on the phone be a deterrent for would-be rapists?
03/24/2009
Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
I don't know if its just me but I thought the suggestions were actually jokes and not that great.

I agree (and am all for it) that practicing techniques and getting training are awareness increasing factors and also methods for amping up the possibility of efficiently carrying out defensive protection maneuvers....but.....w hen it comes right down to it we are biological beings with a fight or flight reaction.

Which means that we will either protect ourselves or freeze in fear and you'll never know until you actually experience a situation where you may/will be assaulted. I feel most of the people who wrote in this forum so far had great reactions of defense but its not going t be the same for everyone.

At the same time I find it frustrating that so much emphasis is put on how we can hurt someone twice our size and we can defend ourselves if we really want to because...that contributes to the very insulting reaction people have towards people victim of sexual assault which is "well, if she would have fought him strong enough she wouldn't have gotten raped". Which is a totally disgusting and insulting assumption.

So in all, I think increasing awareness is awesome and techniques can be good but I don't like the underlying assumptions that seem to make us feel more comfortable. I think that we have to be careful about what we say because it can make a woman who has experienced sexual assault feel accused for the rape.
03/24/2009
Contributor: Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I don't know if its just me but I thought the suggestions were actually jokes and not that great.

I agree (and am all for it) that practicing techniques and getting training are awareness increasing factors and also methods for amping up ... more
I agree that this seemed like a joke. Like some sort of forward you might get. On the other hand, if it helps, then go for it no matter how ridiculous it is.


I have heard statistics for years that most rapes are not by strangers and I wonder how true those assumptions are or if it's just a rumour that has gained astonishing strength.
03/24/2009
Contributor: Nashville Nashville
Quote:
Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust
I agree that this seemed like a joke. Like some sort of forward you might get. On the other hand, if it helps, then go for it no matter how ridiculous it is.


I have heard statistics for years that most rapes are not by strangers and I ... more
This is most definitely not a joke post. And the article I posted said 70% are by people you know.. statics change all the time so who knows how true to the actual number it is.
03/25/2009
Contributor: Anica Anica
we were trained on self-defense in my tae-kwon-do class. i had an incident involving a so called friend. this was before i learned any defense, so i was very motivated after to learn how to protect myself. i no longer drink at parties either.
03/25/2009
Contributor: Tuesday Tuesday
These suggestions are not a joke at all. When I was in college, friends of mine used to practice acting crazy or faking seizures just to perfect our technique.

When you attack someone you want them to know they're being attacked, otherwise what's the point? There's no gratification in attacking a crazy person or someone who is seizing.
03/25/2009
Contributor: Viv Viv
I understand what you mean about this maybe not coming across as seriously as the subject demands, but if you get can a conversation going about this sort of thing, I'd rather it was talked about like this than people just being too uncomfortable to read on. As someone who has been sexually abused and assaulted, i'd say that humor is sometimes all that made it bearable.

my 2 cents: not sure about other states, but in NH pepper spray is legal and you don't need a permit. it's like 15 bucks. pick some up. No one wants to see that pointed at them. Also if you can get your hands on a ranged weapon when you're attacked, it's better than even having a knife since you can keep them away from you rather than waiting until they are close. ex. pepper spray or something long and heavy. I used to be really nervous that i sort of yelled victim because even though i'm only 23, i have to use a cane most of the time, but i was just told that actually it's like having you're own personal baseball bat.

and no one's mentioned this yet i'm pretty sure, but never scream rape if things have gone beyond the fighting off stage and you NEED help NOW. no one responds to "rape" you're supposed to yell FIRE! and people come running. that's really sad, but likely true.
03/25/2009
Contributor: LikeSunshineDust LikeSunshineDust
*high five to fellow NH-er!* I have pepper spray too. I'm not sure what the laws are in Rhode Island about it ( I live down here most of the year), but I have it anyway. I'd rather get arrested for having pepper spray than get raped because I don't have it. Where do you keep yours so it's accessible? Mine is buried deep in my purse. I had it on my keys but it's just too bulky.
03/25/2009
Contributor: Viv Viv
Quote:
Originally posted by LikeSunshineDust
*high five to fellow NH-er!* I have pepper spray too. I'm not sure what the laws are in Rhode Island about it ( I live down here most of the year), but I have it anyway. I'd rather get arrested for having pepper spray than get raped because I ... more
*high fives back!* my fiancee and her mother both keep theirs on their keys. bought a special leather holder for it that makes it more manageable without being hard to get to. I don't carry a purse so when i go out somewhere it just goes in a pocket. though i tend to only carry when i feel i'll be in a situations where i'm at risk (alone, or at night, in strange area, at party etc) but i should really get into the habit of carrying all the time. when i carried a purse, i kept in a pocket and when i felt like i was starting to get a little nervous for some reason, i'd dig it out and keep it in my pocket until i got some place safe.
03/25/2009
Contributor: Nashville Nashville
Mace is illegal- pepper spray is legal. I carry a small bottle on my key chain, be careful leaving it in the car though on hot days.


I bought a tazer with a key for child safety that also serves as a wrist strap (so if an attacker grabs it away from me and off my wrist to use against me it won't work because the key is out of it and around my wrist!). My husband let me use it on him (being in the military he goes through all kinds of fucked up shit) and after coming at him from the front, I had him on his knees in under 5 seconds. It took him a day or two to recover.

All you want is time to get away. Stomp the shit out of their feet so they can't run.. don't aim for the junk unless they don't see you going for it, guys instinctively try to protect it, it's a natural reaction.
03/26/2009
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
I was grabbed from behind while walking across a college campus one night. I had to work in the computer lab until almost 3. Someone had stolen my bike and I had to walk.

When the man grabbed my shoulders, a flash of pure anger went through ... more
I had a similar experience while I was living in Tampa. I was twenty something and walking alone at night cause it was a beautiful breezy night and a carload of young men started following me and catcalling. I was scared, alone and quite a distance from my apartment building. I remembered my mother had told me to find a place where there are lights, people and preferably families (mothers and fathers are always looking to protect their cubs...that protectiveness can bleed over). I wandered purposefully over to an apartment complex where I saw a man, a woman and a small child. I waved at them and acted like they were expecting to see me. I bent down to talk to the child and when the parents were close enough I looked up at the woman and said "those men are following me and I am too far away from home to get away from them..." The men were waiting at the stop sign and the couple just smiled and took me to their apartment where I waited outside until they had called a roommate of mine to pick me up.
Turns out the guy was an off duty cop so he got the license plate of the car and I never had another run in with them. Sometimes Mom advice can come in REAL handy!
04/03/2009
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Naughty Student
I don't know if its just me but I thought the suggestions were actually jokes and not that great.

I agree (and am all for it) that practicing techniques and getting training are awareness increasing factors and also methods for amping up ... more
Agreed. The thing is each rape situation is unique and not always something that you can escape unscathed from. At the rape crisis center where I volunteered we were told that the only thing you can do in this situation is try to survive and in some situations the only choice may be to simply SURVIVE by whatever means necessary. If that leads to a rape then the outcome is always positive if you live, and that's the assumption that we went on. The woman...or man, or child, had no choice but to take the abuse and the fact that they survived makes them strong people not victims. We tried very hard to convey to the rape sufferer that they did the very best they could in an untenable situation. They had the opportunity to recover, which was our focus.
04/03/2009
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Adriana Ravenlust
I agree that this seemed like a joke. Like some sort of forward you might get. On the other hand, if it helps, then go for it no matter how ridiculous it is.


I have heard statistics for years that most rapes are not by strangers and I ... more
The stats are correct as far as reported crimes. Thing is most rapes are not reported and date rape or stranger rape being clearly under reported. Acquaintance rape is still seriously under reported but even the police will tell you it's more "acceptable" to report acquaintance rape though they usually don't have any good reasons as to why. Even in this enlightened day and age it is still too damn easy to blame the victim and we seem to have an almost psychopathic need to do so. Still it is getting better, slowly.
I believe sites like EF are instrumental in changing people's perceptions about sex and sexuality, which is the real step needed to finally stop the further abuse of rape survivors. We need a place where safer sex and safer sex attitudes are discussed and relied upon.
04/03/2009
Contributor: Epiphora Epiphora
Quote:
Originally posted by Nashville
Mace is illegal- pepper spray is legal. I carry a small bottle on my key chain, be careful leaving it in the car though on hot days.


I bought a tazer with a key for child safety that also serves as a wrist strap (so if an attacker grabs it ... more
Could you point me to where I could buy pepper spray and a tazer? Thanks!
04/04/2009
Contributor: Nashville Nashville
Quote:
Originally posted by Epiphora
Could you point me to where I could buy pepper spray and a tazer? Thanks!
I bought everything off of ebay, VERY cheap.

I meant to say I had a stun gun not a taser. Tasers are incredibly expensive and have cartridges that need to be replaced every time you use it whereas a stun gun just needs batteries replaced every so often. my stun gun has the wrist strap and an alarm on it so I can press it if I'm not quite sure I'm going to get attacked.

And this is the pepper spray I use- make sure not to get mace as it's illegal in some states and if you injure your attacker and it causes things such as blindness- you can get sued. link
04/04/2009
Contributor: Nashville Nashville
Stun gun: link
04/04/2009
Contributor: Epiphora Epiphora
Quote:
Originally posted by Nashville
Stun gun: link
Thanks a lot. I have wanted these things for a while now but didn't quite know where to get them.
04/04/2009
Contributor: Backseat Boohoo Backseat Boohoo
At the risk of sounding awful, rape (except for date rape) is usually about power. In that case, I think peeing on your rapist could...actually excite them. Make them think you were wetting yourself with fear.

If I'm all alone, I usually call my dad. It's apparently a good idea if you're talking actively (ie, you're not just holding the phone to your ear for long periods of time), since a good percentage of people will know somebody else is listening and won't mug/assault/jump you as a result.

A lot of times, struggling and screaming WILL scare a rapist off, but if any criminal holds a weapon to you, especially a gun, it's usually recommended that you do what they say.
04/04/2009