The New Intimacy

When you've got some obstacles.

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Contributor: Viv Viv
I was just considering asking the staff to start a discussion section like this. Thanks for reading my mind. ^_^

Eden is really great with having a place for the majority and the minorities which is what i love about the site. But this is a discussion I haven't seen yet, so I'm starting it.

My partner and I have a very active sex-life, but I do have a physically disability (abnormal connective tissue disorder) and this does create obstacles. When I was younger I was scared that I'd never be able to have sex because of my disorder (some positions can still dislocate my hips- yuck), but with a ton of communication and patience from my partner, we now have a pretty normal sex-life that leaves us both very happy.

Anyone else out there in a similar situation know of toys that have helped make their sex easier? or certain positions that are most comfortable with their pain?

I'm a fan of ergonomic vibes and dildos--one's that are easy to hold on to and not too heavy, like the toys from fun factory with their wide bases.

So anyone else out there out? there have got to be more gimpy people than just me, here. ^_^
03/12/2009
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Contributor: Viv Viv
Okay--it's been three weeks and so far no one has replied to this. I find it hard to believe that with such a varied community, no one else would be contributing to this conversation.

I understand that sex and people with disabilities can really trip some people up. It's not talked about. People don't seem to be comfortable with it. It's like someone in a wheelchair loses the ability to be sexy, but that's entirely not true. Just like with anyone else, it's all about self confidence and loving your body. My body is far from "perfect" but i'm still proud of who i am. Hell, when I was in a chair, I could Domme from that thing. ^_^

Loving your body is hard enough in this world, but then throw on top of it physical disabilities and you've got a real challenge on your hands. According to the US census from 2007, 18% of the US population is disabled. That's 51.2 million people. Studies have shown that due to poor self image, lack of available education, and social pressures, about 50% of that 51.2 million does not have any sort of active sex life. That doesn't have to be. Many simply believe they can't have sex or are too frightened to because their bodies don't match up with an ideal.

and it's not just what you'd normally consider disabilities that need some adjusting. You can group in with the gimpy people like me, those of us with carpal tunnel, arthritis, diabetes, chronic back pain, fatigue, depression, etc.

Everyone has limitations. not everyone can put their ankles behind their head. I can. Not everyone can stay on their hands and knees for extended periods. I can't. It's just a matter of working around these limits and communicating with your partner.

Okay, I'm getting off my soapbox now. I was just hoping we, as a community, could try to spread some awareness of this issue and it is a pivotal issue in a lot of people's lives. And try to have some fun with it. A sense of humor is everything.

And if you don't feel comfortable posting on her but would like to talk about this privately--feel free to send me a private message through eden.
04/03/2009
Contributor: Mamastoys Mamastoys
Neither me or my hubby have a disability to the extent of yours but he has several issues we deal with all the time. He had triple bypass surgery a little over a year ago and for three months, he had to take it easy. For six weeks, we had no sex- or not together...thank goodness for toys! Anyway, when we were able to resume our activities, we used lots of vibes for me and I got on top when the time came. This reduced the stress on him but we were both happy afterwards.

He also blew his knee out at work and is waiting (as long as possible) to have a total knee replacement which means he has lots of pain and limited mobility with his knee now. We've learned to work around it again with lots of toys and if he is in too much pain, we modify our positions.
I wish I could give you specifics that we use and do but it varies on an almost daily basis.. I think it is more by trail and error.

Also, I would have responded sooner but I missed the original post (which I do pretty often).
Good luck and I hope lots of others post suggestions for you. I think you are great to make the original post!!
04/03/2009
Contributor: Carrie Ann Carrie Ann
Taylor has pretty awful arthritis, especially for someone his age. (He's only 37) He also has a bunch of metal screws and whatnot in his hip from a car accident. He's got bad knees, too. So we deal with a lot of pain on his end, almost all the time.

We particularly have issues come up when we engage in BDSM play. His arthritis makes it hard to throw a flogger or a whip for a long period of time so we've had to adjust how we play. (Read get me used to no warm up. Lol) After play time he's often in as much pain as I am -- and he doesn't like it!

We've just learned to adjust. We've learned to adjust to both of us gaining weight, too. Some of the stuff we could do 25 pounds ago isn't so easy now!

I think none of it is a big deal, though, when you're in a loving relationship and willing to work at things; big, small, sexual and non.

We try to buy as many "short" toys for BDSM as long ones, these days. It's easier on him if he's close up and not having to really crank his arm.

Luckily we haven't had to make too many major adjustments.

I'll tell ya, though. I'd like a ramp and wedge!
04/03/2009
Contributor: Viv Viv
Hi! thanks for replying! and i know it sort of fell to the bottom of the pile so I figured it was worth bumping to give it a second try.

i think it's really great that you worked out a way to keep you both satisfied while he was recouping. sounds like a good method.

Trail and error really does seem to be the only method that works out when trying to set the boundaries of your limitations, huh? can't really know what you can and can't do until you give it a go.

My biggest challenge is not ignoring my body's warning signals and pushing through because who wants to stop and adjust halfway into it, right? *laughing*

Best of luck to your husband and thanks again for putting your 2 cents in. good to hear i'm not alone on this site
04/03/2009
Contributor: Viv Viv
@Carrie Ann

short toys like short floggers or spanking toys? How do paddles go with him? I know that my shoulder gets bent out of shape pretty fast as far as flogging goes but with paddles and crops i can get a longer beating out on less pain. but that's just how my body works.

I definitely want to look into wedge. Any idea if that would make life for a top during intercourse? I haven't really looked into that as they are usually toted as really helping make things easier for the bottom, but I haven't heard much from a top's perspective.
04/03/2009
Contributor: Carrie Ann Carrie Ann
Quote:
Originally posted by Viv
@Carrie Ann

short toys like short floggers or spanking toys? How do paddles go with him? I know that my shoulder gets bent out of shape pretty fast as far as flogging goes but with paddles and crops i can get a longer beating out on less ... more
Paddles work GREAT for him.
I, however, run screaming thru the house. Lmao. Paddles make me cry. Heh.

I'm thinking the wedge would help keep me in position, which would in turn keep him from ending up too bend or crouched or squatted... if that makes sense. Keeping me where it's comfy for him, I guess?
04/03/2009
Contributor: Viv Viv
Quote:
Originally posted by Carrie Ann
Paddles work GREAT for him.
I, however, run screaming thru the house. Lmao. Paddles make me cry. Heh.

I'm thinking the wedge would help keep me in position, which would in turn keep him from ending up too bend or crouched or ... more
*laughing* I hope at least, it's a good cry. I know what you mean-- I have one small flogger from sportsheets that instead of leather falls has strings of small metal balls--that sends haslin running but it's really easy on me. ^_^

That does make sense. I'll have to go reread the reviews. thanks for mentioning it.
04/03/2009
Contributor: Luscious Lily Luscious Lily
It's my disability that makes our sex life more difficult. I've had severe, unceasing back pain for about a year, and moderate pain for a few years before that. I'm never not in any pain, and I honestly don't remember what it's like to be in no pain at all. The worst part is we don't even know what it is. The X-rays and MRI's are completely clean. So far, the blood work tests they've done are clean, though there seems to be an endless array of things they can test. Right now, they think it may be a form of early-onset rheumatoid arthritis, but weeks later and I'm still waiting to see a Rheumatologist.

On good days, we just have to stick to tamer positions, and I have to use a pile of pillows for doggy-style. On iffy days, it's nothing but missionary or spooning. On bad days... sex just isn't an option. Nor is orgasm... since I've never learned how to orgasm without arching my back. Which, on a bad day, either leaves me in tears, or throws me into a spasm. I'm just incredibly lucky to have such an understanding man beside me.

Saurou, I completely understand about needing to stop and listen to your body's warning signals. Often I'll just keep pushing until it overwhelms me. Bad Lily! BAD!

Thank goodness for modern medicine. All hail the pain-killer gods!

But how toys make things easier? As far as I'm concerned, the longer it is (without being unwieldy), the better, since I can't always bend over. Ergonomic toys are great, as are those I don't have to hold in position. Also, things I can use on him when I can't keep going any more. Just because I can't finish doesn't mean he shouldn't.

I want ramps/wedges/etc, though. We make frequent use of pillows, but they have an annoying tendency to run away at the most inopportune times.

When it comes to dealing out a flogging, for me longer toys are better: I often have to be standing up to be able to last, so I need enough reach to get to wherever I've bent him over.

My 2 cents.
04/03/2009
Contributor: Viv Viv
Quote:
Originally posted by Luscious Lily
It's my disability that makes our sex life more difficult. I've had severe, unceasing back pain for about a year, and moderate pain for a few years before that. I'm never not in any pain, and I honestly don't remember what it's ... more
Lily, I know where you're coming from. I've had incredible chronic back/joint pain for 13 years now and it's only within the past three months that we've been getting the start of answers. Not there yet but making progress. Same thing with me-- Xrays and MRI's came back clean. Doctors told me it's all in my head for YEARS. I test positive for rheumatoid (my mother developed RA when she was only 2) but don't exhibit symptoms. You really just have to keep pushing for the right doctor. Have more than one person go over your MRI. I had a spine specialist and a rheumatologist check my MRI and said it was normal. Another doctor looked it over and confirmed I had L1 spinal stenosis and scoliosis, in addition to diagnosing me with a abnormality connective tissue disorder. i've had doctors tell me my back xrays are clean then many others noticed that I'm missing vertebrae and have a fused lumbar spine. But it's been a 12 year battle. And it's not over. So believe me when i say i know how hard it is to live in pain without answers (not like doctors dont' take their time with it too--see you 6 months. what? that a problem?) but you really have to keep at it and be persistent.

As far as trained positions for orgasmic-- i've been there too. for me, i used to lift my pelvis up while bracing my legs with my knees bent--a position that now is a guaranteed way to dislocate my right hip which is no fun in the middle of sex. after doing a lot of reading, i found you can retrain your body to new positions, since we can be trained by habit of only one comfortable way of coming. You're supposed to start masturbating in your normal position (for us this would be when we are feeling up to it) and when we feel we are getting close, switch to a new position and finish there if you can. If you can't, switch back and work yourself up again then switch again. you're supposed to do this often, switching earlier and earlier into your session until you break the habit. it worked for me. just a suggestion.

interesting that long floggers work for you better-- that's really neat how everyone is so different.

if you want to chat more about crazy doctors and back pain stories, feel free to message me, okay? you are so not alone.

thanks for your 2 cents.
04/03/2009
Contributor: Luscious Lily Luscious Lily
Lucky for me, I've rarely found a position I CAN'T orgasm in. The issue is finding positions where my back doesn't act up on bad days. Before all this started, we were a tad on the acrobatic side, so we just try to laugh at the irony, and use that creativity to come up with some rather insane variations on old standbys.

I have the great joy of never having had a doctor tell me that it's all in my head. My primary is of the "you're in pain; there must be a reason why, so we're going to find it!" school of thought, and has referred me to other doctors who feel the same way. And they've all gotten back to me in reasonable amounts of time, except for that one rheumatologist. At least for now, I've got a couple of leads to chase down. It turns out that I have a bunch of symptoms that point to hypothyroid, and I while doing some research I discovered that there's a possible back-pain symptom of hypothyroid that pretty closely resemble the basics of my back symptoms! I'm waiting for the thyroid bloodwork to come back with my fingers crossed, since I might get an answer there.

One thing I've found that helps a surprising amount in the interim is meditation. I started practicing at the prodding of a friend, and it really helps with the worst days. And when nothing else works, even if I don't want to even think about sex, orgasm IS the best pain-reliever known to humanity! ^_~
04/08/2009
Contributor: Viv Viv
Quote:
Originally posted by Luscious Lily
Lucky for me, I've rarely found a position I CAN'T orgasm in. The issue is finding positions where my back doesn't act up on bad days. Before all this started, we were a tad on the acrobatic side, so we just try to laugh at the irony, ... more
that's so awesome that you found a doc right off the bat who listens to you! all the luck in the world that you get answers that have a treatment plan behind them!

and yes, meditation is a must for me as well. it can really help get through the day without all the nasty side effects of meds. orgasm pain relief is a gamble with me--it either relaxes tensed up muscles (yay) or dislocates a joint (not so yay). but it's usually a gamble worth taking *laughing* ^_^
04/08/2009
Contributor: Maiden Maiden
I had a relationship with a man who is quadripeligic. He broke his neck diving in a swimming pool when he was 16. Our sex life was great, even though he doesn't have use of most of his body. It was mostly about talking and being comfortable enough with each other to try anything and everything, even if made us feel silly. If something didn't work, we just laughed it off and moved on to something else. We did have issues finding toys that he could grasp with his limitations. It's almost a shame, because I've found this wonderful sight too late. He's still a great friend of mine, so maybe I can get him interested in EF so he can find suitable toys that would allow him more interaction during sex.
08/27/2009
Contributor: Maiden Maiden
My aunt is sitting here with me, saying " There's money in that!!!"

We should invent slings and suspension systems for people with disabilities! Like a whole sex toy site for the disabled!

Maybe she has a point.....

I'm going to do a search to see if there is anything out there like this.
08/27/2009
Contributor: Maiden Maiden
There isn't much out there.... if I had the capabilities I would start a business!!!

Well, at least I put the idea out there.... maybe some one will pick this up and figure something out. I'm sure that there is a HUGE market out there. The disabled want to have normal active sex lives too. I wish I would have thought of this when I was in the relationship.
08/27/2009
Contributor: God is a Woman God is a Woman
I've only been with one guy, but I have slipped capital femoral epiphysis- wiki this shit, and you will see "SCFE affects approximately 1-3 per 100,000 people." Yeah, that's just my luck and always has been. I -would- be that one-three out of 100,000. But anyway, basically I have no right hip joint now, so I can only bend out one leg- which makes spreading 'em pretty difficult. More than difficult- I can only spread half as wide as most women.

I found that Missionary was tough, but not impossible- however I would start to cramp, if I spread to wide- and that was a turn off, having to stop and be like, "Wait wait hold on..." But he was very patient, and we tried a few different positions that worked. A modified missionary, one where we were kind of on our sides- but I found the easiest was to just go from behind. Doggy style, or sort of modified where the girl just kind of lays on her stomach and shifts her hips enough that he can get into her.

That is what always worked for us, no worries- the only negative from that is that I found I started to go a little dry faster from behind than from the front. Either way, any possible way to 'hit it from the back' seems to work best for me, and I've got hip/lower back problems, and arthritis.
02/18/2010