The New Intimacy

Hysterectomy and Sex

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Contributor: SaraW0512 SaraW0512
My brother a fantastic man and is engaged to a woman that had to have an emergency hysterectomy. Since her hysterectomy, she has lost all of her sex drive and shows no interest in fixing it. She says that she has no need or no want for sex. She has went as far as telling him to "go find a fuck buddy so I dont have to deal with it". My brother has a very high sex drive and like a lot of people I know feel that a healthy sexual relationship is the glue that holds a relationship together. Now I know that she loves him but she doesnt take any of his feelings into consideration. I have even tried to get her to register for EF just to get her imagination running and juices flowing... she shot me down immediately and said some other harsh things about a "stupid sex site". I have told him that I just want him to be happy. Unless she is willing to work on the issues he has in the relationship, he is better off to leave her. He will not leave her because he loves her but I dont want him to be 90 years old and regretting his life.

So my question is 1. Have any of you ever been through this type of situation? If so, what did you do? 2. Is there any advice that you could offer me, for me to offer to him?

I appreciate any of your feedback! Thanks
10/24/2012
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Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Okay, well is he taking any of her feelings into consideration?

An emergency hysterectomy can be traumatic for a woman, especially if she's young. She may no longer feel like a real woman (sounds insane, right? But, it's a common reaction. While her feelings may not be logical, they are certainly valid).

There's also the issue that she is no longer producing estrogen, and estrogen is a key hormone when it comes to the sex drive of a woman, just as testosterone is a key hormone in a man's sex drive.

Interestingly enough, a man called into Playboy radio yesterday with a very similar situation. He knew there was an estrogen patch for women who are in this situation, he asked his wife to try it and her rebuttal was "hormone replacement therapy causes breast cancer". She shut down the entire conversation in one sentence. At the end of the call, it pretty much sounded like she had given up on the idea of sex and that she was rather content with that choice.

And this very well could be the case with your brother's girlfriend; she might actually be relieved to no longer want sex. Some women just don't place a lot of importance on it and think it's something that isn't important in a relationship, she just might happen to be one of them.

In either event, I don't think you should be getting involved. It's his relationship and they need to work it out. I don't think I'd be very thrilled if my husband was discussing our sex life with his sisters, regardless of the intentions he had.
10/24/2012
Contributor: SaraW0512 SaraW0512
Obviously I don't know how they are when I'm not around, but I get the same story from both sides. I did not want to get involved but they both come to me. I went to college to be a Sex Counselor but I didn't get to finish my degree (grown-up life happened lol). I really really really do not want to be involved. I also told them that. Mostly because I am bias. I do think you are right about her not putting importance on sex. It seems sex is not a factor in her life. She had the hysterectomy almost 2 years ago, it really was traumatizing for her. I know how she felt because I went through a similar situation. Thanks for your response!
10/24/2012
Contributor: Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by SaraW0512
Obviously I don't know how they are when I'm not around, but I get the same story from both sides. I did not want to get involved but they both come to me. I went to college to be a Sex Counselor but I didn't get to finish my degree ... more
Ah, yeah then that explains how you know so much. That has to be kind of awkward, huh? Growing up in the South, I'm just so used to people putting their noses in places they don't belong that sometimes it's a knee-jerk reaction to assume someone is butting in, I apologize for the assumption.

That sounds like a situation that he's going to have to get out of if he wants any kind of happiness and can't see himself going the poly/swinger route.
10/24/2012