Dear Nateddog! I am a review manager at Edenfantasys. I am so sorry that the product didn't satisfy all your demands.
Reading the description of product details and reviews can be a huge help in choosing the right toy for you

We strive to make all customers happy with their purchases, so I'd like to suggest a few options that might be suitable for you. Please, check them out and let me know what you think.

Here is the list of hands-free masturbators of more than average size: Orgy machine, Eden handsfree masturbator,Duo vibrating masturbator, Apollo power stroker, Flip zero masturbator.

If the length is not essential for you, you may consider the following options: Wingman, Head master, Sutra masturbator, Flip hole

I hope I was helpful! If you need any further assistance, feel free to contact me!