The New Intimacy

How to make a dilator sexy? Also is it really going to help?

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Contributor: Rhazya Rhazya
My apologies if this isn't the right area, I didn't really find one I thought would be better.

Basically, I have a set of three dilators. When I would try having sex, it was extremely painful when a man hit my pelvic floor muscle. It turned out I was subconsciously tightening, for fear of being raped again. I've went through counseling and "physical" therapy for that.

For the most part I can insert the dilators okay, but for someone who's never had a remote interest in dildos this isn't sexy in the slightest. Just because I can handle the dilators okay.. that's nothing close to a real penis. Even if I was able to handle all three dilator girths with no problem, it's not a penis. How do I know I'm not going to "clam up" and have even the insertion part of sex be painful? I've talked to my gynecologist about my concerns, and have just been told to keep working using the dilators, but overall I really don't see where using them will be perfect preparation for trying intercourse again? I'm just worried I won't be able to have actual penetrative sex with a man, considering my first time was the man barely was inside then he came, and then the second time I was raped. Of course worrying about being able to have pleasurable sex might be another can of worms?
05/30/2011
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Contributor: hornypoet69 hornypoet69
If you're able to handle the dilators, chances are you won't have any physical issues. I'm not your therapist, so I can't help you with the psychological issues, but I do have an idea. You might see if a man is willing to use the dilators on you. Its still not a real penis, so there will be less psychological baggage there, but because someone else is controlling them there is still an element of trust, and thus intimacy involved. I'm a gay man who has never had penetrative intercourse, and I plan on using dildos with my partner before trying intercourse when I find someone I choose to take that step with. Hope this helps!
05/30/2011
Contributor: Rhazya Rhazya
Quote:
Originally posted by hornypoet69
If you're able to handle the dilators, chances are you won't have any physical issues. I'm not your therapist, so I can't help you with the psychological issues, but I do have an idea. You might see if a man is willing to use the ... more
I'm not concerned about psychological issues so much as being physically capable of having pleasurable sex. That's not a bad idea, and it's something I've already thought of, but there's not going to be a man in the picture any time soon I imagine, as I really don't meet men I'd consider dating much. (Not much of a social butterfly so the only men I meet are those I work with, and I'd rather not date them.)

Thank you for your time though!
05/31/2011
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
From the sound of your explanation, it seems as though your original trouble with painful sex was more related to a subconscious fear. You probably could have physically handled the penetrative sex you had previously, but that subconscious fear crept up on you and made you tighten up. If you can comfortably handle the dilators, then you should be fine physically for penetrative sex. The fear of it hurting again, or not ever being able to have a healthy, enjoyable sexual relationship will probably be the biggest hurtle to overcome.

I love the idea of having a partner use the dilators on you - that's fantastic! Also, an open and honest dialogue about your fears can work wonders. Don't rush into anything, and make sure your partner knows exactly where you are coming from. Make sure you will have the freedom with him to tell him to stop at any moment if it becomes scary or painful, and make sure you have complete confidence in him to stop in that moment. It will take a lot of communication to build up trust like that, but it is so very worthwhile.

I think if you continue to use your dilators, and explore how that feels and how your body reacts physically to the dilators, you will make progress and will begin to start letting go of that fear of it hurting or never working. Best wishes to you! Please know that you are not alone, many of us have had very similar life experiences.
05/31/2011
Contributor: Rhazya Rhazya
Quote:
Originally posted by indiglo
From the sound of your explanation, it seems as though your original trouble with painful sex was more related to a subconscious fear. You probably could have physically handled the penetrative sex you had previously, but that subconscious fear ... more
It varies if I can handle the dilators or not, even if I use the same amount of lubricant. It's weird, it almost seems like my area changes sizes down there-sometimes I can use the dilators just fine, other days god help me nothing will fit.

I'm glad you emphasized the point about making sure I feel very comfortable with this partner, know them well, trust them well, and that we are communicating wonderfully.

Honestly, I'm afraid it might be a turn-off and someone would be afraid to have sex with me, because perhaps they are afraid they won't be able to stop fast enough and I'll end up feeling raped again. Because of that, I was tempted to be hush-hush about that part and pray things went well. However, you've convinced me that it would be better for both my partner and me, if I told them everything in advance.
06/07/2011
Contributor: Rhazya Rhazya
If anyone is silently reading, having a similar issue but to shy to say, I recently came across this:

I'm curious to give these a try, that's sure a great answer to the how to make a dilator sexy! I wish my gynecologist would have made me aware about these in the first place!
06/07/2011