The New Intimacy

He just ended it, but we're both still in love. He wants time to find himself bc he's confused on what he wants. Should I wait?

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Contributor: Crichton Crichton
So this morning my lovely boyfriend ended it with me. He says he thinks that for now we should end it. I was his first real relationship. I'm 29, he's 23, so this is a lot for him to handle. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship with a guy he was kind of friends with for a short period of time. (i know shame on us, but you can't help who you fall in love with and the other guy was abusive)

He always was adamant he didn't want kids, but starting coming around. He's not sure that he will feel the same down the road. He says he wants to make sure he's not making a mistake by staying with me and then end up resenting me and he also doesn't want to lose me and have that be his mistake. He says this is hard on him because he truly loves me and I'm perfect outside of baggage that I carry(family drama, not kids, although he says he doesn't think he's ready for them either)

I understand the fear of only having one relationship under your belt, as someone afraid of commitment I was like this, except when I left there was no love between exes. Here there still is. He says if he comes back it will be forever, but he wants time to find himself and doesn't feel he can with me there.

The thing is I don't know if I want to wait for him. I know I won't find anyone like him again, he shares all my kinks and it is a weird combo of kinks. He's bisexual and a crossdresser and I find that very attractive in a man. I won't compromise on any of those for anyone. I don't want to have a bland sex life and I've never found anyone that synced up to me like this and was 100% open and comfortable with.

Should I hope for the best? Has anyone been in the same situation? I sometimes read about people that dated and split up because they weren't in the right place in their lives and then later on got back together for good. I want that, but I don't want to be disillusioned at the same time.
Answers (public voting - your screen name will appear in the results):
Yes, there is still hope
sXeVegan90 , Bodhi , gsfanatic
3  (43%)
Move on
Incendiaire , padmeamidala
2  (29%)
Date around, but keep the option open
SaraW0512 , Dixiemomma
2  (29%)
Total votes: 7
Poll is closed
11/06/2012
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Contributor: sXeVegan90 sXeVegan90
I honestly feel there's still hope, but maybe I'm the glass half full kind of person. I've been in this situation before..and it was hard, but me and my S/O got through it. I allowed them time, as they allowed me the same, and through all of the doubts, the over-thinking that we did, our love was too strong to give up on our relationship. We care about each other, and deep down we didn't want to lose each other. This sounds like the case with you, and I hope your relationship pulls through as well.

Best of luck
11/07/2012
Contributor: Crichton Crichton
Quote:
Originally posted by sXeVegan90
I honestly feel there's still hope, but maybe I'm the glass half full kind of person. I've been in this situation before..and it was hard, but me and my S/O got through it. I allowed them time, as they allowed me the same, and through all ... more
Thank you very much for this. It's funny because he used to get on my case for being pessimistic and it's abusing that this is the thing I'm trying to be optimistic about. It's hard bring a sexually open person while all my acquaintances are reserved and don't understand.

How long did it take for you and your SO to get back together?
11/07/2012
Contributor: gsfanatic gsfanatic
Since he wants to define himself, give him some time, but don't treat it as a guarantee. If you find someone better, try them
11/08/2012
Contributor: Crichton Crichton
Quote:
Originally posted by gsfanatic
Since he wants to define himself, give him some time, but don't treat it as a guarantee. If you find someone better, try them
Yeah. It's really hard when he's still saying "I love you" to me. I think his main concern is my ex, who was a friend before we dated. He knew I was in an abusive situation but he still feels like he betrayed his friend. He is very upset with himself and is trying to work through his feelings about that. Being that I have one kid atm, he says it's a reminder of my ex and it just eats at him.

I know that alone might end with, "Just leave him then", but I think he's just not in the right mindset to get over it. He's thinking of it backwards. He's not taking my side and this is a reason we need to have a good talk. It's a shame that this good talk has to wait for nearly a month because he lives on the opposite coast.

I still have hope because he wants to work through it. He doesn't seem to want to just throw in the towel which would be the easy thing to do. He knows he can't handle it but he wants to be able to. I just have the fear that once he gets everything where we both want it that there will be another girl there to pick up the pieces.
11/09/2012
Contributor: SaraW0512 SaraW0512
I had a similiar situation prior to my husband. I waited and waited. In my situation, he did not come back. I found the man I married about 2 years later. My EX did try to get me back but by that time I found a man that loved me AND my children AND wasnt afraid of my family drama (I have a lot of it!). My advice would be to give yourself some time then start dating. I would not jump into anything serious for a while just to keep the option open. If you are meant to be, he will be back. I hope the best works out for you.
11/09/2012
Contributor: Incendiaire Incendiaire
I don't buy the "confused" excuse. It's likely that he's been thinking about this a for long time before he ever decided to raise it with you, and the fact that he brought it up means that he's reached a decision to leave for good.

When he claimed to be confused he probably thought that it would soften the blow of the break-up, but in reality all that it does is prolong the pain as you sit around agonising over whether he will come back. It's a misguided and unfair tactic which people seem to fall into.

From what you've said about things my assumption is that he's looked at your respective situations, and where your lives are headed, and he just doesn't want to go down that path. You're older, you have children with someone else, whereas he's young and would prefer to avoid having offspring. If he leaves then he's got a better chance of capitalising on his youth and building the sort of future he wants, rather than risking becoming tied down in a situation which he perceives to be less than ideal.

You may pine for him, and think he was the only one who could fit with you so well, but you're better off looking for someone who can appreciate you as a whole package.
11/09/2012
Contributor: Crichton Crichton
Quote:
Originally posted by Incendiaire
I don't buy the "confused" excuse. It's likely that he's been thinking about this a for long time before he ever decided to raise it with you, and the fact that he brought it up means that he's reached a decision to leave ... more
Thank you. I've been dealing with the backlash of my mom saying that I'm worthless and won't find a decent man because a decent man would never take me and my problems. She basically said my ex could do better and it's a good thing he left. I think my main problem is that I have no real support around here. All I'm getting is cookie cutter advice that really doesn't work for my situation or people like my mom that like making me feel worse.
11/09/2012