The New Intimacy

As a single mom, is it wrong of me to just want casual sex because I'm not ready for a relationship yet?

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Contributor: Crichton Crichton
I just ended a two year relationship, well he ended it, but we still have feelings for each other but he needs to find himself.

Right now due to stress and feeling ugly again i want to just casually hook up with a guy that both my ex and I were interested in in the past. I'm in no way ready to date but i need some companionship. I don't have friends outside of work and everyone i talk to is saying I'm making a mistake. I feel utterly helpless. I don't want to get into another serious relationship just so I can get some sex.
11/08/2012
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Contributor: Beck Beck
Quote:
Originally posted by Crichton
I just ended a two year relationship, well he ended it, but we still have feelings for each other but he needs to find himself.

Right now due to stress and feeling ugly again i want to just casually hook up with a guy that both my ex and I ... more
It's not wrong. If you want casual sex, go for it. Explain before hand that is all you want.
11/08/2012
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
I don't think it's wrong either. I agree with Beck that it may be wise to make sure you let the guy know that you aren't looking for anything serious. I'd also not involve my child in it, ie not letting my casual hookup and child meet so the kid doesn't get confused or concerned about who this man is.
11/08/2012
Contributor: Crichton Crichton
Quote:
Originally posted by indiglo
I don't think it's wrong either. I agree with Beck that it may be wise to make sure you let the guy know that you aren't looking for anything serious. I'd also not involve my child in it, ie not letting my casual hookup and child ... more
Most definitely. I'm very cautious about who sees my kids. It's just the state I'm in doesn't look favorably on casual hook ups and I just want a guy who will try to change my mind despite me setting up clear boundaries.
11/08/2012
Contributor: voenne voenne
Of course! It's your life and there's nothing wrong with that. If you want something, and it will help you move on/make you feel better, then make it happen! It's not easy getting over a relationship, and it's great that you don't want to get into another one, so just take care of yourself.
11/08/2012
Contributor: - Kira - - Kira -
Okay, first, if you're feeling ugly and stressed I would suggest some therapy. Breakups can be hard on self esteem and it won't do you any good to get in that rut.

As for casual sex, I see no issues with that. As others have said, just be upfront about what you're looking for.
11/08/2012
Contributor: Crichton Crichton
Quote:
Originally posted by - Kira -
Okay, first, if you're feeling ugly and stressed I would suggest some therapy. Breakups can be hard on self esteem and it won't do you any good to get in that rut.

As for casual sex, I see no issues with that. As others have said, ... more
I'm already in therapy because i have bipolar. My therapist is great but he's also been dismissive of my relationship because it was long distance.
11/08/2012
Contributor: RavenWings RavenWings
No, just be honest.
11/08/2012
Contributor: Harpina is gone Harpina is gone
Nothing at all wrong with it, just make sure to make your intentions known from the start (and make sure he doesn't want anything more as well).
11/08/2012
Contributor: Crichton Crichton
Quote:
Originally posted by Harpina is gone
Nothing at all wrong with it, just make sure to make your intentions known from the start (and make sure he doesn't want anything more as well).
Everyone is saying it's unfair for the guy because he might fall for me. I said, quite bitterly, "that's his problem". I'm just tired of the drama and people expecting me to settle down.
11/08/2012
Contributor: - Kira - - Kira -
Quote:
Originally posted by Crichton
I'm already in therapy because i have bipolar. My therapist is great but he's also been dismissive of my relationship because it was long distance.
Yeah, I'd get a new therapist then. I have Bipolar as well. Finding a good therapist is really difficult. If he's being dismissive of your feelings, that's not good, even if he's great in other areas.
11/08/2012
Contributor: charletnarouh charletnarouh
Yup, what Kira said. As usually, she hit the nail on the head.
1. Find a new therapist. Dismissiveness and invalidation are NOT good qualities in a therapist. He's not the only therapist in the sea.
2. Find some friends and develop a social life. Your work colleagues are not the only friends in the sea.
3. Talk to the guy, be totally honest. Let him know exactly what's up, all cards on the table. If he's game, go for it, safely, of course. If he's not, then find someone else. He's not the only penis in the sea. (Just be careful not to see this guy as some connection to your ex, if you do fool around with him, since you mention your ex being into him too. It wouldn't be fair to either of you. If that's the case, you'd be better off seeking your booty call elsewhere.)

But do yourself a favor and do it because you want sex. Doing it because you feel ugly or rejected isn't fair to yourself! Besides, if you do the internal work to fix those feelings and find your sexy confidence, the sex will be that much better anyway. And expand your options, it sounds like you've closed your world off quite a bit.
11/08/2012
Contributor: Tork48309 Tork48309
From a Guys perspective, Not at all. I do, however, feel you need to be upfront about it.
11/08/2012
Contributor: Crichton Crichton
Quote:
Originally posted by Tork48309
From a Guys perspective, Not at all. I do, however, feel you need to be upfront about it.
I plan on being upfront. I was never the type for games. I'm very blunt and straight foward.
11/08/2012
Contributor: Crichton Crichton
Quote:
Originally posted by charletnarouh
Yup, what Kira said. As usually, she hit the nail on the head.
1. Find a new therapist. Dismissiveness and invalidation are NOT good qualities in a therapist. He's not the only therapist in the sea.
2. Find some friends and develop a ... more
I'm going to look for a new therapist soon. Since i don't drive and not many take my insurance I'm pretty stuck for the moment.

I'm also on the prowl for sex because i want it. I've been craving it for a while being that it was a while since I got some loving.

I don't know how easily I can even pick up the other guy for a hook up. I'm so socially awkward.
11/08/2012
Contributor: Supervixen Supervixen
Quote:
Originally posted by Crichton
Everyone is saying it's unfair for the guy because he might fall for me. I said, quite bitterly, "that's his problem". I'm just tired of the drama and people expecting me to settle down.
What a bunch of crap. So, should a guy not want casual sex? Because his partners might fall for him. It is HIS problem if he falls for you--you are totally in the right about this. What's not fair is people expecting you to settle when you're not ready, for you to deny what you want for yourself, and make your relationship with someone else all about him ("well, he might fall for me! I just can't possibly make this about me and what I want as well! I'm a woman and a mother!") Single mom or not, when people date, they date. And we are all after different things. If you date but don't want a serious relationship, does that mean you shouldn't because someone might fall for you? You can't control other people's feelings about you or towards you, so why in the name of all that is reasonable should you be expected to either sit back and be virginal or on the look out for a husband? You want casual sex. You should seek out a casual sexual partner. As long as you are upfront about what you want, you are doing nothing wrong.
11/08/2012
Contributor: Vaginas Vaginas
I think it's perfectly okay. there's no need to rush into a relationship if you don't feel ready
11/08/2012