I am so embarrassed and horrified right now and I just don't know what to do or how to handle this.

A tiny bit of background: We've been married for just 3 years, together for 4. We have two toddler boys and I have also have children from my first marriage. Our marriage has been failing since before it started. He was nice to me until we bought a house together and I was pregnant with our first. I've gotten numb as far as my feelings for him. A few reasons: he was talking/texting with his ex wife behind my back and lying to me, but doesn't have time to text me; he tried to help her by co-signing to get a car loan for her (didn't go through); his family is mean and rude to me and he lets them, has never stood up for me and never will; and he is mean and hateful to me unless I go along with everything he says and don't have an opposing thought, opinion or feeling (or at least keep it bottled up).

Okay, so now on to last night. He has been mad at me (what else is new) and sleeping in our boys' room for the past couple nights. I'm stressed. Our sex life has been practically non-existant - I can't make myself want to anymore, so I avoid it as much as possible. There's no emotional bond there anymore, which is what I need. And physically, he's rough and sloppy and repetitive and boring. We have toys and have used toys and he seemed fine with them, even with me using vibrators or whatever on myself while we were intimate. The toys are in a drawer in the nightstand right beside our bed. I just got an Eroscillator a few weeks ago. Only got to use it a couple times, want to do a review on it, but wanted to try it more first and obviously trying it with him isnt' happening. So I waited til I thought he went to sleep, plugged it in and he walked in. I dropped it and it went between the bed and stand. He somehow knew that's what I was up to and totally flipped out. He came back in a couple more times yelling til he determined what toy I had out and completely just said everything he could to make me feel like the biggest idiot alive.

Some things he said:
I'm a "info" - He meant nympho - he's not the brightest crayon in the box.
I'm disgusting (said this NUMEROUS times).
This is the only reason I wanted toys - I'm sick (also called me that a number of times) because I wait til no one is around and then &^%* with myself.
He's going to tell my mother about my toys and what I do (I'm in my late 30's for Heaven's sake).
I'm a hypocrite because I go to church (and I guess Christian's don't do stuff like that). He denies that he ever does, like I'm stupid.
He should break it - he did throw it, but it didn't break.
Everything that is wrong with our marriage is my fault.

I know I'm going to throw away all the stuff we never use - including books I had bought to try and help out. I'll keep the few items that I really like and box them up and put them somewhere. The thought of being around him makes me literally nauseaus.

He made me feel like the lowest, most disgusting pervert on the planet. Plus he was standing in the doorway and my daughter's room is right there and I know she could hear everything he said (she's 11 so had to have some idea of what he was talking about). I am so embarrassed. How in the world do I handle it because I can't even look him in the face now. I really just feel like I hate him and there is no hope for things to ever get better and I'm totally stuck. I don't know what to do... less

Honey, I am SO sorry he is treating you so badly. This is emotional and verbal abuse, and the throwing of the toy can be seen as violent! WTF is wrong with him? (I know you don't know. It just pisses me off.) He won't have sex with you, but he get angry when you NEED to please yourself?

Honey, this is a bad situation, I don't want this to turn violent. Can you get some EMERGENCY therapy, STAT? Call a local hospital (you do NOT have to go into detail about the toys) just the verbal abuse, the throwing of objects the verbal humiliation and let them know you are afraid he might get violent. Because, that is the next thing on the spectrum for this kind of behavior.

Can you take your kids and go somewhere SAFE for a few days? It doesn't mean the marriage is over (if it is worth saving) but, he needs to cool off and you and your children need to feel safe. The threatening is just infantile, and the angry near violence made my tummy hurt to read.

YOU ARE NOT A PERVERT nor are your "disgusting." You are a healthy normal woman with a healthy normal appetite for sex, and there is NOTHING WRONG with masturbation, either with a toy or whatever works for you.

He took the first thing he could think of to WOUND you as deeply as possible, he chose the toy, because he has been withholding sex, like an immature 16 year old girl, and then when you were vulnerable, he attacks the thing that, at that moment, was on your mind and he KNEW would hurt the most.

This is mean, despicable behavior and therapy is needed. If he won't go, go alone. A lot of good can come from even individual therapy, when a relationship goes sour.

Call the local hospital and ask for the Domestic Violence Hot Line and talk to someone there. Let them know you have small children and your husband is getting violent. DO NOT let this go, hoping it will go away on it's own. If he won't go to therapy, too bad for him, but YOU can help yourself by doing so.

Has he had a relationship like this before? I know you've said his family has a lot of control over him. Has he let them "stop" him from becoming intimate with women before? Do they disrespect women on a general basis? Do they play into the "Madonna-Whore" complex, where women are thought of as either sex partners (whores) or virginal mothers (Madonnas) and the two are never the same women? Did this shit start either when you were pregnant or right after the baby was born? Was your first husband similar (meaning your might feel things will "work themselves out" and tend to be TOO forgiving and not stand up for yourself, thinking "it'll be OK, if I don't say anything?") There are some issues here and even if HE won't go to therapy YOU need to work this stuff out for yourself.

Good luck and Blessings, sweetheart. You don't deserve this, and your kids don't deserve to see you treated this way, nor do they deserve to be scared (which they probably are, even if they say nothing about it. Kids know.) less

Honey, I am SO sorry he is treating you so badly. This is emotional and verbal abuse, and the throwing of the toy can be seen as violent! WTF is wrong with him? (I know you don't know. It just pisses me off.) He won't have sex with you, but he get angry when you NEED to please yourself?

Honey, this is a bad situation, I don't want this to turn violent. Can you get some EMERGENCY therapy, STAT? Call a local hospital (you do NOT have to go into detail about the toys) just the verbal abuse, the throwing of objects the verbal humiliation and let them know you are afraid he might get violent. Because, that is the next thing on the spectrum for this kind of behavior.

Can you take your kids and go somewhere SAFE for a few days? It doesn't mean the marriage is over (if it is worth saving) but, he needs to cool off and you and your children need to feel safe. The threatening is just infantile, and the angry near violence made my tummy hurt to read.

YOU ARE NOT A PERVERT nor are your "disgusting." You are a healthy normal woman with a healthy normal appetite for sex, and there is NOTHING WRONG with masturbation, either with a toy or whatever works for you.

He took the first thing he could think of to WOUND you as deeply as possible, he chose the toy, because he has been withholding sex, like an immature 16 year old girl, and then when you were vulnerable, he attacks the thing that, at that moment, was on your mind and he KNEW would hurt the most.

This is mean, despicable behavior and therapy is needed. If he won't go, go alone. A lot of good can come from even individual therapy, when a relationship goes sour.

Call the local hospital and ask for the Domestic Violence Hot Line and talk to someone there. Let them know you have small children and your husband is getting violent. DO NOT let this go, hoping it will go away on it's own. If he won't go to therapy, too bad for him, but YOU can help yourself by doing so.

Has he had a relationship like this before? I know you've said his family has a lot of control over him. Has he let them "stop" him from becoming intimate with women before? Do they disrespect women on a general basis? Do they play into the "Madonna-Whore" complex, where women are thought of as either sex partners (whores) or virginal mothers (Madonnas) and the two are never the same women? Did this shit start either when you were pregnant or right after the baby was born? Was your first husband similar (meaning your might feel things will "work themselves out" and tend to be TOO forgiving and not stand up for yourself, thinking "it'll be OK, if I don't say anything?") There are some issues here and even if HE won't go to therapy YOU need to work this stuff out for yourself.

Good luck and Blessings, sweetheart. You don't deserve this, and your kids don't deserve to see you treated this way, nor do they deserve to be scared (which they probably are, even if they say nothing about it. Kids know.) less

Ouch, I'm real sorry this is happening. I think you guys should go for counseling, but if it's too far down the crapper, then you need to get your kids and split, pronto. Verbal abuse could easily turn physical (especially since he's grabbing and throwing things) and that's the LAST thin you or your kinds need to be in.

And remember, NOTHING is your fault. less

HE is the one that is disgusting, by treating another human being like a dog that did something bad like chew on a shoe or something, and then bringing his CHILDREN into it by being abusive and awful to their mother in front of them. If there is anyone that needs to evaluate their faith and look to their god for answers, it's him, NOT you.

I agree with most of the above statements. Get the hell away from him, he's vile. You, on the other hand? Are an awesome person for being able to come here and talk about this stuff, and I really admire your courage. Get away from him, for yourself and for your children. None of you need or deserve this. less

Thank you all so much for responding and for the advice. I was in a marriage for 15 years that was similar in some ways. Finally got out of that one only to get in a worse one.

Update: I'm so stuck. I have 6 kids - 2 of which are with him. He has threatened that he will fight to take them if I leave. And his family has money - not sure if they would help him or not. We have a home not worth what we owe because of the economy. I would have no place to go. My dad is abusive and taking the kids there would be worse than where they are. I have no friends, no other family. No place is going to rent to someone with 6 kids (plus I can't leave the cats and dogs). I can't afford the bills on my own. Not even close to it.

Things aren't great and I don't think they ever will be. If I keep my mouth shut and don't say anything or disagree with him, at least things are quiet. We have virtually no emotional bond left - he destroyed that long ago. I can't talk to him. You know the story - hindsight is 20/20. I gave up being myself because that's not who he wants. His family are all rude, loud, foul-mouthed psychotic people. His exes were the same. I'm not like that. I don't fit in. Never will. Don't want to.

It sucks because I'm lonely and I'm worn down. I have the kids and my mom and no one else in the world. I only hope I can teach my kids not to make the same mistakes I've made.

Yes, we do go to church. We've been going for quite awhile - to the church my mom goes to down by where I used to live before I got with him and he insisted we move. I thought it would help, but it didn't. At least it didn't help our marriage. But at least it helped me to know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and that this life isn't all we have (that would be so depressing)! I'm just kind of hanging in there and doing the best I can. But thanks to everyone here! less

A man who is jealous of a sex toy has inadequacy issues. He can't please you and he's aware of it. I wouldn't be surprised if he starts accusing you of cheating on him, even if nothing could be further from the truth.

You've gotten some really good advice here. If you don't seek counseling together, try to get some for yourself. It's not for anyone to tell you to walk away, but if that's what it comes to, there's no shame in asking for help. Do what you need to do to cover yourself both emotionally and legally. Whatever you decide, your first priority has to be keeping yourself and your children safe.

And if you do decide to leave, try not to make it about blame. If you went into it for the wrong reasons, or it went south, or even if he's the biggest douchebag to ever walk the face of the earth, you have kids together, so try to keep it civil, because chances are he will still be in your life no matter what. less

Thank you all so much for responding and for the advice. I was in a marriage for 15 years that was similar in some ways. Finally got out of that one only to get in a worse one.

Update: I'm so stuck. I have 6 kids - 2 of which are with him. He has threatened that he will fight to take them if I leave. And his family has money - not sure if they would help him or not. We have a home not worth what we owe because of the economy. I would have no place to go. My dad is abusive and taking the kids there would be worse than where they are. I have no friends, no other family. No place is going to rent to someone with 6 kids (plus I can't leave the cats and dogs). I can't afford the bills on my own. Not even close to it.

Things aren't great and I don't think they ever will be. If I keep my mouth shut and don't say anything or disagree with him, at least things are quiet. We have virtually no emotional bond left - he destroyed that long ago. I can't talk to him. You know the story - hindsight is 20/20. I gave up being myself because that's not who he wants. His family are all rude, loud, foul-mouthed psychotic people. His exes were the same. I'm not like that. I don't fit in. Never will. Don't want to.

It sucks because I'm lonely and I'm worn down. I have the kids and my mom and no one else in the world. I only hope I can teach my kids not to make the same mistakes I've made.

Yes, we do go to church. We've been going for quite awhile - to the church my mom goes to down by where I used to live before I got with him and he insisted we move. I thought it would help, but it didn't. At least it didn't help our marriage. But at least it helped me to know I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and that this life isn't all we have (that would be so depressing)! I'm just kind of hanging in there and doing the best I can. But thanks to everyone here! less

I am so embarrassed and horrified right now and I just don't know what to do or how to handle this.

A tiny bit of background: We've been married for just 3 years, together for 4. We have two toddler boys and I have also have children from my first marriage. Our marriage has been failing since before it started. He was nice to me until we bought a house together and I was pregnant with our first. I've gotten numb as far as my feelings for him. A few reasons: he was talking/texting with his ex wife behind my back and lying to me, but doesn't have time to text me; he tried to help her by co-signing to get a car loan for her (didn't go through); his family is mean and rude to me and he lets them, has never stood up for me and never will; and he is mean and hateful to me unless I go along with everything he says and don't have an opposing thought, opinion or feeling (or at least keep it bottled up).

Okay, so now on to last night. He has been mad at me (what else is new) and sleeping in our boys' room for the past couple nights. I'm stressed. Our sex life has been practically non-existant - I can't make myself want to anymore, so I avoid it as much as possible. There's no emotional bond there anymore, which is what I need. And physically, he's rough and sloppy and repetitive and boring. We have toys and have used toys and he seemed fine with them, even with me using vibrators or whatever on myself while we were intimate. The toys are in a drawer in the nightstand right beside our bed. I just got an Eroscillator a few weeks ago. Only got to use it a couple times, want to do a review on it, but wanted to try it more first and obviously trying it with him isnt' happening. So I waited til I thought he went to sleep, plugged it in and he walked in. I dropped it and it went between the bed and stand. He somehow knew that's what I was up to and totally flipped out. He came back in a couple more times yelling til he determined what toy I had out and completely just said everything he could to make me feel like the biggest idiot alive.

Some things he said:
I'm a "info" - He meant nympho - he's not the brightest crayon in the box.
I'm disgusting (said this NUMEROUS times).
This is the only reason I wanted toys - I'm sick (also called me that a number of times) because I wait til no one is around and then &^%* with myself.
He's going to tell my mother about my toys and what I do (I'm in my late 30's for Heaven's sake).
I'm a hypocrite because I go to church (and I guess Christian's don't do stuff like that). He denies that he ever does, like I'm stupid.
He should break it - he did throw it, but it didn't break.
Everything that is wrong with our marriage is my fault.

I know I'm going to throw away all the stuff we never use - including books I had bought to try and help out. I'll keep the few items that I really like and box them up and put them somewhere. The thought of being around him makes me literally nauseaus.

He made me feel like the lowest, most disgusting pervert on the planet. Plus he was standing in the doorway and my daughter's room is right there and I know she could hear everything he said (she's 11 so had to have some idea of what he was talking about). I am so embarrassed. How in the world do I handle it because I can't even look him in the face now. I really just feel like I hate him and there is no hope for things to ever get better and I'm totally stuck. I don't know what to do... less